Undone(38)

Stu leaned against the wall and breathed out. ‘God. That’s . . . I had no idea. That’s pretty hardcore.’ Only an idiot like Stu would think hardcore was an appropriate word to use when talking about rape. ‘I’m sorry. That’s terrible. If I’d known, I never would have . . . I mean, obviously.’

‘I know you wouldn’t.’

‘Who . . . ? Did you go to the police?’

I shook my head. ‘No point. My word against his. Look, Stu, I shouldn’t have told you . . . but I wanted you to understand why I freaked out like I did. You do understand, don’t you?’ I was all but fluttering my eyelashes at the boy.

‘Of course! God, I’m so sorry.’ He went to touch my arm and then stopped when he realized that maybe being touched by him was not something I would want.

‘So we’re OK? You won’t mind me hanging out with you lot sometimes? It helps, you know? I feel like I’m finally fitting in, after all this time.’ I nearly winced, sure that I’d gone too far. That he wouldn’t buy it.

‘I don’t mind at all. I’m sorry I was a dick.’ Again with the poor choice of words. This boy seriously needed to work on his vocabulary. He rubbed his hand over his head in a nervous gesture.

‘You’ve nothing to apologize for. I’m just glad I was able to explain. And you promise you won’t tell anyone? I couldn’t bear it if people knew. I want to get on with my life and forget it ever happened.’

‘I understand.’ I’d never seen him look so serious before. It didn’t suit him.

‘Thank you. Well, I’d better get to English. I’ll see you later, OK?’

Stu nodded but didn’t make a move to leave. ‘Jem, there’s something I . . . I want you to know that it wasn’t a dare. Me and you. Nobody dared me to pull you. I made that up.’ He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. ‘Wounded pride or something. Sorry,’ he mumbled, looking at his feet.

I smiled and it was genuine. ‘That’s OK. Thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it. See you later, Stu.’

I left him leaning against the wall. As soon as I was out of the cafeteria I had to stop myself from doing a lame little victory dance or punching the air. I walked calmly down the corridor, but I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

I’d done it. I’d really done it. Stu wasn’t going to be a problem. He’d been officially neutralized. And it had been so much easier than I could have imagined. It was almost scary how easy it was to get away with a story like that. I’d half expected him to call me a liar, but it would be a very brave person to say that to someone who’d just told you they’d been raped. You’d have to be absolutely sure you were in the right. And Stu didn’t know me well enough to know anything of the sort. Stu didn’t know me at all.

The admission about the dare was what pleased me the most. Either he was now telling the truth and there’d been no dare – he’d followed me into the greenhouse for his own reasons. Or he was lying, in which case he felt bad enough to want to protect my feelings. It was win-win.

When I lay in bed that night I tried to ignore the question my conscience kept coming back to: had I enjoyed telling that lie? Even just a little bit?

No. No.





part two





chapter twenty-four


I’ve done it. Somehow I’ve achieved the impossible. I am officially one of Them. I thought it would take a lot longer to infiltrate Team Popular, but I suppose once they decide you’re in, you’re really in. There are no half measures where this lot are concerned.

I wonder if everyone would do this if they knew how effortless it is. Do people look at me and wonder how I did it? I bet they put it down to the hair and the make-up and the stuff they can see on the outside. And that was the start of it, no doubt. This would not have happened if I hadn’t changed all that, if I hadn’t moulded myself into an approximation of a face that fits. But there’s more to it than that: it’s about watching and listening and saying the things they want to hear. It’s about knowing when to speak and when to shut up. It’s about learning the dynamics of the group. Looking in from the outside, I thought I knew exactly how they operated. Luke was King and everyone bowed down to him. The others were his loyal subjects, existing for the sole purpose of making him look good. I was wrong.

Lucas and the boys are louder than the girls – they seem dominant. The girls laugh and roll their eyes at the boys’ antics. You’d be forgiven for thinking they’re simpering idiots – clinging onto the boys with their manicured fingernails, knowing that if they put a foot wrong they risk losing their place in Team Popular. But the more I watch, the more I realize it’s the girls who hold the real power. Pretty much everything the boys do is to impress them. Even the things that are gross or violent or incredibly stupid – it’s all about the girls. Especially Sasha. She’s the centre of the group, which explains why she wasn’t ousted when she broke up with Lucas. It also helps explain why it was so easy for her to bring me in from the wastelands of the general school population. It’s Sasha who’s made the Plan possible really. I must remember to thank her one day.

Anyone can see that Bugs is in love with Sasha. Any opportunity to touch her or hug her and he’s there. Lucas doesn’t seem to mind or even notice – probably because it’s Bugs. Bugs can get away with stuff purely by virtue of being Bugs. The other boys don’t see him as a threat – at all. I’m willing to bet that if it was Stu who was all over his ex-girlfriend like a rash, Lucas wouldn’t be so cool about it. Sasha doesn’t seem to mind either; I think she likes the attention. And because she doesn’t see Bugs in that way, she can cuddle him or sit on his lap or ruffle his hair without a second thought.