Undone(37)

‘I used to go line dancing with my Mum.’ I have never been line dancing in my life.

Lucas burst out laughing and slapped his knee in a totally disproportionate way. ‘Now that’s a good one! That’s almost worse than being scared of the dark. So when did you hang up your cowboy boots?’

‘A couple of years ago. You know, line dancing is a lot harder than it looks. There’s a lot of skill involved.’

‘Is that so? Maybe you could teach me some moves some time?’

The invitation hung in the air, inhabiting the space between us. There was that strange exposed feeling again – like he had the measure of me. I knew he didn’t. I knew he couldn’t possibly know what I was thinking, but that didn’t stop me from looking away, embarrassed.

I was saved by Bugs shouting over, ‘Hey, Lucas, stop flirting with the poor girl! You’re so bloody obvious, mate. You want to take a few lessons from the Bugsmeister, my friend.’ He raised one ginger eyebrow with faux suaveness, then yawned and stretched his arm around Sasha. Before she knew what was happening, she was pulled into his embrace. She squealed as Bugs pretended to maul her like the big bear he was.

I’d never been so glad to hear the bell ring for lessons. I grabbed my bag and jumped up; the others carried on like they hadn’t even heard it. Lucas was watching me, amused. ‘Blimey, you’re keen.’

‘I’ve got geography with Mr Lynch. He makes you stand outside if you’re late. It’s embarrassing.’ Why do I feel the need to explain myself to him?

‘Well, we wouldn’t want you being embarrassed now, would we? Off you go.’ I couldn’t tell if he was mocking me. That smile was really quite distracting. ‘Actually, I’ll let you go on one condition.’ His legs were blocking my escape route, so I had no choice but to stand and wait. ‘Sit with us at lunch? It’s kind of a downer seeing you sitting in the corner all by yourself.’ Once again I found it hard to believe that a member of Team Popular had deigned to acknowledge the existence of an outsider. The thought of them watching me made my skin creep and crawl.

‘OK.’

Lucas smiled.

I smiled back.

I was in.

It was that simple.





chapter twenty-three


Of course, it wasn’t actually that simple. After lunch, I was silently congratulating myself on getting through a whole hour in their company, marvelling at the fact that I hadn’t spilled any food on myself or choked on my water or sprayed food in anyone’s face. Maybe this won’t be so tricky after all. Then there was a voice in my ear as I queued up to hand over my empty tray. ‘What are you doing here? Nobody wants you here.’ I could smell onions on his breath.

I didn’t turn to face him as I spoke. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

He waited until the others had walked out of the cafeteria ahead of us. ‘What are you playing at? With all this?’ He flicked my hair, his finger grazing my ear in the process.

I’d seen the way he’d looked at me all through lunch, emitting all kinds of bad vibes from the other end of the table. At one point I’d heard Nina asking him what was up – his response was a grunted ‘nothing’. I knew I was going to have to deal with him sooner or later. I’d just expected it to be later, that’s all. But I’d already worked out how I was going to handle him.

I looked over my shoulder in a really obvious way, then pulled him away from the crowds pouring out of the cafeteria. My touch on his arm was enough to confuse him. I leaned in close, steeling myself against the onion breath. ‘Look, I’m really sorry about what happened. I’m sorry about your nose.’

‘Yeah? You didn’t seem sorry after it happened, remember?’

‘I know. I was just . . . messed up, I suppose.’ I averted my gaze from his.

‘What do you mean by that?’ His eyes were suspicious, but I knew they wouldn’t be for much longer if I played this exactly right.

‘I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry. Please, you have to understand.’ I touched his arm again and left it there for a second or two.

‘I haven’t got a bloody clue what you’re on about. All I know is we were having a good time and then you went and freaked out like a lunatic.’

I took a shaky breath and looked him square in the eye. ‘If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone else?’ This performance was turning out to be truly Oscar-worthy.

‘Yeah, I won’t tell anyone.’ He was looking uncomfortable now. Clearly he wasn’t accustomed to girls telling him secrets.

‘You have to promise, Stu. This is serious. You can’t tell Lucas or Bugs or anyone. No one knows. I’ve never told anyone before.’

‘I promise.’ His voice softened. ‘You can tell me.’ He sounded almost sincere.

I leaned even closer and whispered the words into his ear. The words I knew would get me off the hook with him. Three little words.

‘I was raped.’

A stab of guilt as I said the words. A stab of guilt that had to be ignored.

Stu’s eyes widened and he flinched as if I’d hit him. ‘What?’

‘It happened a long time ago and I guess . . . I guess I thought I was over it. But I haven’t . . . y’know . . . been with anyone since then. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t and I freaked out and I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault.’ Those last words almost stuck in my throat. Part of my brain was truly appalled at what I was doing, that I’d even come up with this idea in the first place. The other part was pragmatic, reassuring me that I had to do this. It was the only way.