Undone(39)

It must drive Bugs crazy. He knows nothing’s ever going to happen there – never in a million years – but he takes what he can get, like a dog waiting under the table for scraps. It’s kind of sad actually. Or utterly pathetic, depending on how charitable I’m feeling.

Even Nina the Pointless Blonde has her own subtle sort of power over Stu. He’s clearly keen for this particular former conquest to become an ongoing one. Nina seems to be resisting his charms at the moment, but it’s only a matter of time. She said as much to me and Sasha the other day. Her exact words were, ‘I reckon I’ll let him have sex with me soon.’ Sasha laughed and said, ‘I knew it!’ A smile was the best I could do, mostly because the thought of anyone having sex with Stuart Hicks was repugnant. And there was something about the way she said it – that she’d let him. She would allow him to do it to her. Like she wouldn’t even be a willing participant. Like sex is something that a boy does to a girl, not something they do together. It was disturbing.

*

I’ve been watching them, analysing them, and they have no idea. They think I’m just another harmless girl, filling up the ranks. Maybe they let me in because they realized that Nina doesn’t really add up to one whole useful person.

I’ve decided to go for Bugs first. It didn’t take long to come up with the idea. Captain of the rugby team, with the biggest crush in the world on his mate’s ex? Anyone can see where his weakness lies. And considering what they did to Kai, it really couldn’t be more perfect. I just need to wait for the right moment. I’ve been dropping hints whenever I’ve spoken to Bugs, feigning interest when he goes on about that car of his. Bugs is a year older than the rest of us. I listened to the whole long boring story about some childhood illness that meant he was in and out of hospital. Any kid with half a brain would have been able to catch up on all that missed schoolwork, but Bugs isn’t the brightest crayon in the box so he was kept back a year. He’s reaping the benefits now though – the only kid in our year who’s turned seventeen well before GCSEs. And since he somehow learned to drive before he turned seventeen (I’m sure he mentioned something about an older brother and an airfield but it’s really hard to stay conscious during car-related chat), he’s on course to pass his test in a couple of weeks. I’ve made it clear that I’m very keen to go for a drive sometime, and Bugs seems more than keen to play chauffeur.

He has no idea what’s coming.





chapter twenty-five


I’ve been dreading Kai’s next letter. And not just because the last one was so brutal. I know what he’s going to talk about, and it’s something I’ve been trying my best to ignore.



Jem,

It’s April. Our month. I’m sorry I’m not there to bake you a bizarre-tasting, slightly-crispy-round-the-edges birthday cake like I did last year. Maybe your mum will get you a cake from M&S - one that people can actually eat. I’m sorry I’m not there to give you a birthday present too. Something amazing that you’ve secretly always wanted.

I’m sorry I wasn’t around for my birthday, mostly because you always enjoyed mine more than yours for some reason. (You never did like being the centre of attention, did you? Even when it meant cards and presents and cake.) Anyway, I hope it wasn’t too awful. It’s just a day like any other, after all. It will get easier, I’m sure. I hope that one day in the not too distant future you’ll be able to raise a glass of champagne on 19th April and maybe remember me and smile a little bit? I would really like that.

And I do hope you’ve got something special planned for your big day. Something that involves leaving the house, at least. But if you don’t feel up to doing much, that’s OK too, you know? Not that you need my permission or anything.

Shit. I’m sorry Jem. I hate to think of you being alone on your birthay. It almost I’m sorry for being such a selfish bastard.

OK, I need to move on to May now because this is too hard to think about. I was all ready with a challenge and everything (socializing at the weekend, maybe wearing your new top/dress/whatever, in case you’re curious), but all I really want is for you to get through these few days. That’s all I really care about. I’m sorry I had to go and make things so hard for you, pickle, I really am.

Your loving best friend,

Kai

xxx



He’s right. His birthday was bad. I stayed in my room all day. Mum didn’t even try to coax me out. Just brought me food on a tray, no questions asked. She said she was here for me if I wanted to talk but understood if I didn’t. I tried not to think about how much worse it would be in the McBride house. I tried not to wonder what they would be doing to mark the day. I tried not to think of Kai never getting any older. The boy who never grew up.

My birthday isn’t much better. Mum and Dad and Noah make a real effort to make it special and they try not to look disappointed when I barely manage to crack a smile. Mum and Noah even baked a cake together; Noah’s proud little face almost breaks me. I try to forget that this will be my last birthday. The girl who never grew up.

I didn’t tell anyone my birthday was coming up, and I’ve always had it hidden on Facebook (mostly to avoid the shame of having nobody write on my wall, since Kai prided himself on his complete ignorance of any and all social networks). I receive a single card from someone who’s not a member of my family: Jasmine. The last birthday card I got from her must have been when I was about twelve, so it’s a little odd that she remembered the date.