Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(61)

Really? Ryder needed time and space to process all this intel.

“Easier said than done, but try and let go of the guilt. It just rots your gut. Now, hear this. Anytime you’re having trouble with what happened in the past, you’d damned well better call me first if you need any kind of help. You got that, Marine? We’ll take advantage of every program we can find to get you through it. Hell, we’ll go OFP if we can’t find a sanctioned program that works. Talk to Doc sometime about what it took to break through to him—not that I intend to repeat that process for you or anyone else if I can help it.”

Ryder was afraid to ask for details. Maybe he’d get a chance to talk with Doc again when he went to Denver.

“Actually, Top, I already found some things I think are going to help.” Should he mention Megan was at the top of the list? Not yet. He wanted to show Top he had his shit together before asking for any blessing to date his sister. “I just went through a vision quest and purification lodge ceremony here on the pueblo. I already see a difference in the way I handle things.”

“Good for you. The Native American tribes can teach the VA a few things.”

“I did this outside the VA, but it seemed to help me deal with some things I already had a little screwed up before I even went into the Corps. Issues with my mom and dad.”

“Our pasts sometimes bite us in the ass. Trust me. This, I know.”

Top had issues, too? Who did he go to when he needed help processing shit? He always seemed to be in control of everything. Maybe no one was immune to having to deal with those dark days. Maybe his wife had helped him. Having someone beside you at those times must be a comfort, even though he’d never forgive himself if he unintentionally did something to hurt Megan during a night terror or flashback. Still, he’d talked with her after some of them, and it really did help.

“Keep me posted. And Ryder, I think we can dispense with our military names. Call me Adam.”

“Top…I mean Adam, I’m going to take a ride up to Denver sometime this summer. I’d like to hang out with you guys over some beers sometime and shoot the shit.”

“Sounds like a plan. Door’s always open for any of my Marines.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“Ryder, my best advice: Find a girl, get married, have babies. I highly recommend it.” The man’s contentment sounded loud and clear through the phone.

Ryder smiled. “Megan tells me congratulations are in order.” He grew serious again. “Sorry to hear your wife’s having a hard time of it, though.”

“Yeah, and I need to get back to her. Tell Megan we said hi, and we’ll call her and Patrick with a full report soon.”

“Oh, one more thing, Top!” Ryder paused a moment, wanting to find the right words to ask Top for his okay to date his little sister.

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back when things—” Ryder heard him speaking to someone else. “Kitten, you should be in—”

The call ended, and Ryder was left frustrated. Maybe it was for the best. When the time came for him to ask the man for his blessing before he proposed to Megan, he’d make sure he planned and practiced his speech. Face to face would be better anyway. He’d plan on heading up to Denver in the next few weeks.

Jesus, another city.

He’d need to ask her other brother, too. Talk about running a Marine gauntlet. But Megan would be worth all that pain and more.

Ryder pocketed the phone and found himself staring down at the empty bed where she’d slept, realizing at some point in the conversation he’d wandered in here again. Not for the first time, either, since she left. He even slept in here the night before the vision quest began when he couldn’t find peace in his own bed. Just having her spicy scent on the pillow calmed him down. He could close his eyes and pretend she was lying there beside him.

He’d spent a lot of time remembering those two evenings they’d explored kink together. No Dom could ask for a more eager sub. What might have happened between them that last night if he hadn’t been running scared?

He’d thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Jesus, I miss her.

At least now he had a reason to go see her and try to make up for being such a coward. Even if she didn’t want to see him again, she’d welcome back her computer. Should he call first and make sure she wanted to see him? At least he knew she wasn’t in Denver.

Time for a new mission.

Find a girl, get married, have babies.





Chapter Twenty





Megan adjusted the lighting on her tiny subject in her makeshift studio in Patrick’s condo. Photographing babies was always so bittersweet to her. This chubby-cheeked angel stared at her with the biggest, bluest eyes as if she could see through to her soul.

The work didn’t feel as fulfilling as it once had. This week, she went through the motions of shooting babies, recent graduates, and couples embarking on their happily-ever-after lives together.

Well, at least she’d experienced one of those three monumental events herself. The others she’d have to give up on.

God, she missed roaming around the land at Ryder’s place and discovering nature’s surprises. Just walking hand in hand with him as he told her about the plants and the history and—