Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(64)

“I’m lost.”

He met her gaze. “No, Megan. I was the one lost. Let me explain what happened.” He told her how Grant had broken into the condo and stolen her computer. “After you reported the breakin to him, Adam contacted Grant to see who lived nearby. She gave him my numbers, and he called me in to check on you.

“Wait. I know I’m not supposed to interrupt, but what would she have done if I hadn’t told Adam? It was a random thing that he even called that night. Otherwise, I’d have just handled it with the police—and spent the next few nights at a hotel until Patrick came home.”

Ryder smiled. “Knowing her, she’d have found a way to make it plausible that she heard it on a police scanner or something. I think he knows she’s using her incredible communication skills these days to keep track of his Marine family.”

He sobered. “I know this business with Grant is crazy, but it worked. Grant knew Adam would send one of his Marines here to check on you. But she didn’t tell Adam what a mess I was at the time. I’m not sure I’ll forgive her for putting you in potential danger. If I’d done anything to hurt you… Anyway, Adam called and I showed up on your doorstep in the middle of the night. You know the rest of the story.”

“That’s not just crazy, that’s bat-shit crazy. If I ever come across that woman again, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind.” God, what if Ryder hadn’t been able to handle the pressure? How could Grant risk his wellbeing like that?

“I’m sure Adam’s going to have a piece of her hide for putting you at risk like that, knowing as she did that I’d spent time in the psych ward.”

“Oh, Ryder, you’re only a danger to yourself.” She placed her hand over his and squeezed. “I believe everything happens for a reason, though. If I was meant to be the one to help you reconnect with the world again, I’m honored you trusted me enough to allow me to do that.”

Their entrees came, interrupting the conversation, and they ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. She still had a dozen questions popping into her head about how all of this had happened, but hadn’t enjoyed anyone’s company since, well, since she’d left Ryder’s place.

She’d suffered such emptiness since then.

Alone.

“I’ve missed you, Ryder.” More than you can ever know.

He glanced away, seeming uncomfortable. “I’ve missed you a lot, too.”

Was he just saying that because she had? He’d come to return her computer, so maybe she was reading more into why he was here than he intended. “Maybe we can agree to see each other every now and then.”

When he met her gaze, she saw some reluctance. Or perhaps regret. “Sure, Red.”

Somehow she didn’t expect him to ever call her for a romantic date. They’d quashed any chance of that already.

Ryder ran his hand through his hair and sat back in his chair abruptly. “Who the hell am I kidding?”

What did he mean? He didn’t even want to see her as a friend? That hurt more than his rejection of her being his submissive trainee.

He reached across the table and placed his hand over hers, and she set her fork on her plate, no longer hungry.

“Megan, I’m miserable without you. Yeah, I’d like to be your friend. But I’d like to have something more than that, too.” His thumb brushed over her knuckles and sent her nerve endings rushing to the surface.

He did?

Stay calm.

Hear him out.

“What did you have in mind?” Her voice sounded breathless, probably because her heart was pounding all of the oxygen out of her lungs. A significant part of what worked between her and Ryder was their deep level of caring for each other. She wanted something more than kink. What did Ryder want?

“Megan, I can’t give you a whole lot other than myself and the love in my heart. I don’t know when I’ll go off the deep end. I’m sure it’ll happen, but I’m working on getting my head on straight. I think I’ve found something that helps.”

She moved her palm upward so she could grip his hand. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Someone, actually. You. My eyes were opened recently. I’ve got all kinds of possibilities ahead of me, but if I can’t have you in my life, they won’t be worth much.”

“You know I’ll be there to help you through whenever I can be.”

Ryder stared into her eyes, and the air sizzled around them. “What I’m trying to say…” He ran his free hand through his hair. “Megan, I can’t ask you to marry me yet, but I’d like to see you while I’m working through some things.”

A smile broke out on her face. He was getting her hopes up too soon. The woman was an optimist with a capital O. Hadn’t she heard what he was saying?

“My time is yours, Ryder. We have a lot of fun together.”

Why did it sound to him as though she was remembering those two nights of kink? Man, he couldn’t go there again without doing something he’d regret—like having sex with her. Maybe he could avoid the subject and point out some of the obstacles to their tying the knot for a while.

“Baby, I don’t have a house of my own. I don’t even have a job.”

“Well, I don’t have a steady paying job myself, and I’m living with my brother. It will take years for me to make a living at photography.”