Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(56)
A vision of a smiling and radiant Megan swam before his eyes. Jesus, how he loved her. She might not be able to forgive him for the way he’d pushed her away, but he would have to ask anyway. She’d brought into his dark world her innocence and joy for living, and he’d stomped on her heart.
Forgive me, Baby.
He passed the pipe to the veteran on his left who held it a long time before speaking. “My name is Joe, and I’ve spent the last thirty-eight years trying to kill myself with drugs and booze and a lot of other reckless activities. I haven’t been able to forgive this country for the way it left us to have to fight our way home, too.” Ryder reached over and squeezed his shoulder, much as the man had done for him a few moments earlier. He cleared his throat before continuing. “I have grandkids now. I don’t want them to have to go through what I did, and I don’t want to screw up their lives by being a bad role model. I’m here to ask God to help me be the warrior I once was and to fight off the enemy—the enemy within.”
Ryder hoped the man found his peace. Some day he’d like to be a father, maybe even a grandfather, and he didn’t want to shame his family any more than he had already done by shutting them out. When he finished his quest, he wanted to get together with Marcia, and even Mom. He didn’t expect to ever know where his dad had gotten to, but could still forgive him. Some people weren’t cut out to be parents.
The round ended, and several men went outside, but Ryder and Joe remained along with the leader as the old stones were replaced and new ones brought in. Ryder and Joe asked the leader for more ideas to overcome the darkness in their lives.
In the second round, each man was recognized for his courage, endurance, strength, and other honorable characteristics. Accepting their positive words and prayers helped put his feelings of shortcomings into perspective.
By the time the third round of rocks had been brought in, Ryder became lightheaded as sweat poured from his body. The fast had probably helped to accelerate the process. As the leader recognized knowledge and wisdom and prayed that each man would follow along their paths in all their endeavors, Ryder saw Gino D’Alessio’s face before him. The man looked the way he remembered him before his first deployment. Eager. Fresh. Innocent.
Tears welled in his eyes again.
“Forgive me.”
“Nothing to forgive. You were there for my brother when he fell. No telling what would have happened if you hadn’t been there. Marco needs a keeper.” Gino laughed.
Ryder smiled. The brothers had some kind of rivalry going on back when Ryder had known Gino. The first D’Alessio brother he’d met had told him about a woman they’d fought over, but from what Ryder recalled of those nights in the bars in Oceanside, Gino hadn’t loved the woman. He’d only wanted to protect his brother.
True brothers. Just like Carlos and Ryder. Ryder wouldn’t let anything come between him and his family again, including Carlos.
“Stay strong, brother. Not your fault.” Gino said before the vision faded away.
“I will. You, too.” He didn’t understand what he meant about something not being his fault, but he hoped Gino and Sergeant Miller were at peace in the afterlife.
Deciding to listen to his body, Ryder took advantage of the opportunity to break after this round. Carlos didn’t speak to him as he left, but nodded his encouragement. Ryder took a plunge in the river, the water near freezing in comparison to the heat of his skin.
Invigorated, he shook off the water and returned with the others who had left as the fourth and final round began. After being reminded of each of the earlier rounds, the circle was completed with a focus on growth and maturing, from which healing comes.
In conclusion, the leader spoke about how all who walked the earth were related. “What happens to one of us will inevitably impact many others of us.”
Ryder saw how his inability to forgive himself for his shortcomings—and even things beyond his control—had made it impossible for him to move on the fulfilling path intended for him in this life.
Ryder prepared to leave the lodge ceremony with a newfound connection with his spiritual side. He’d gone through the motions for years—meditation, nature hikes, time alone in the mountains—but the mental blocks he’d surrounded himself with had kept him from finding understanding and peace within his world.
Crawling out of the lodge, Ryder experienced the sense of being reborn. Just as on the day his mother had birthed him, the future was wide open with endless possibilities. He’d shed the past hurts and mistakes just as he’d shed the sweat from his body.
He would no longer allow shame, anger, and other negative emotions to overshadow everything good in his life. Nothing in life was black and white. No person was all bad or all good.
Before rejoining Carlos for the drive back up the mountain to complete two more nights in his vision quest ritual, he stopped to speak with Joe. After learning the man hadn’t chosen to do a vision quest, he knew it was time to say goodbye and told him if he ever wanted to just come and hang out up on the mountain, the door would be open as long as he lived there. He didn’t have anything to write his address or number on, but told him to just ask the lodge leader or Carlos. They’d know how to find him.
With a gruff voice and red-rimmed eyes, Joe replied, “Thank you, brother. Same goes for me. Any time. Today’s the first day of a new life. Let’s make the most out of our new paths.”