Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(53)
And for what? He hadn’t exactly reassured her that having his babies was no big deal. The man would make a good father, teaching his children about the world around them. Images of a little boy or girl with his black hair and tanned skin brought tears to her eyes. She brushed them away.
Ryder had never intended for anything to happen with them beyond these few days. She knew that, so why did it feel as if her insides were being ripped out again?
This was worse than any pain she’d experienced with endometriosis, because her heart wasn’t so easily repaired. Why had she thought his knowing about her defects might make him see they weren’t all that different? Both had unseen scars they hid from the world.
With or without the ability to have babies, he’d pushed her away tonight. Here she’d thought a lack of reproductive organs would be the deal breaker in a relationship with a man, but even before he’d known about her defect, he’d been ready to call it quits.
Ryder doesn’t want me.
Rather than try to sleep, she opened her laptop and set it on the desk to edit more of her photos. The few images she’d taken of Ryder when he didn’t know she was photographing him drew her in. In a number of unguarded moments, he appeared to have been enjoying her company. Sometimes the camera could deceive. A trick of the lighting, perhaps. An unusual angle.
Still, she’d miss those times with him.
Could she settle for friendship with him over not having him in her life at all? Did he even care enough about her to want any contact beyond the morning to come?
“I said, I’m here. I don’t make promises I can’t keep…”
She’d promised to be there anytime he needed someone to talk with. Would he take her up on her offer if things got rough for him?
When the dawn broke and the light spilled through her window, she closed the computer and placed it in her bag. Picking up her things, she wheeled her suitcase into the kitchen.
Ryder sat at the table, a mug of coffee before him.
He met her gaze. “Good morning.”
She couldn’t think of anything good about it, other than the coffee. “That smells good.” He started to get up. “No, sit. I’ll get my own.” She set her purse and bags down beside the suitcase.
“Let me fix you some breakfast.”
“No, thanks. I couldn’t eat anything.” The thought of keeping anything down in this room where he’d begun to introduce her to her submissive side would be ludicrous. “I’ll just have half a cup, and then I should leave.”
“I wish—”
She stopped on her way to the coffee pot and placed her hand on his shoulder. “No regrets. But I promised you once that even if you needed someone to talk with at three a.m., or any time, you should call me. That stands. I’ll be there, even if you just want some company.” The thought of him doing something permanent to fix a temporary problem scared her. “If you let me down and I find out, I’ll kick your ass.”
He grinned up at her. “No worries. I’ve come this far. I’m not going to do anything stupid. Carlos keeps tabs on me, too.”
Of course, he had Carlos. He didn’t need her. She blinked away the tears before they embarrassed her again and walked up to the counter and poured her coffee. She didn’t even pour half a cup. The sooner she drank this, the sooner she could go back to Patrick’s. He should be home by now.
She didn’t know what she planned to do beyond this summer, but the thought of staying in New Mexico no longer appealed to her. Maybe she’d visit Mom for a while in Chicago. And Adam and Karla might need some help in the coming months. They’d probably love having their own photographer to document their big event.
Whatever she decided, she’d keep busy. No idle time thinking about what might have been.
Chapter Eighteen
Ryder sat perched on the red rocks overlooking the valley. The sun was setting behind him, casting a long shadow across the land stretched out below him. The last time he’d come here was with Megan, and her presence remained strong. As the first twenty-four hours of his fasting period came to an end, he prepared his mind for what was to come. Today, he’d looked back over his life, taking inventory while realizing who he needed to seek forgiveness from. The list was long, from his parents to Marcia to Gino and Marc D’Alessio to Sherry and, finally, to Megan.
He’d spent the day deciding what things he wanted to let go of, from the guilt surrounding the losses and injuries of good warriors to his inability to connect with people in a meaningful, lasting way. Tonight, he would come down from the mountain and be immersed in the centuries-old traditions of the purification lodge. Carlos would keep watch over him during his four day and four night vision quest, but in the sweat lodge, he would be joined by other combat veterans, all seeking healing and hope for their world.
The crunch of rocks behind him set him on alert.
“Just me, man. It’s time. The sweat leader is ready.”
Ryder stood and turned to face his friend. Both wore only a pair of shorts and sandals, even though Carlos wouldn’t be going inside the lodge with him. Instead, he’d agreed to stand guard at the door, protecting those inside.
He still remembered the surprise in his friend’s voice over the phone two days ago when Ryder called and told him he was ready to participate in the next sweat. His friend had been asking him to do one for years, but Ryder had never deemed himself ready. Perhaps unworthiness was a significant reason for holding back, too.