Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(54)
Finding that a purification lodge ceremony was scheduled for fellow veterans only two days later made Ryder grateful he had gotten his head out of his ass in time to participate. He needed to reclaim his life. He only hoped he would find the answers he needed. He couldn’t go on living a shadow life, one in which he kept those he loved at a distance while merely going through the motions of existing.
Hell, Megan’s leaving had shown him he didn’t do existing all that well, either.
Ryder missed her more than anything he’d lost before in his life. Jesus, he’d screwed things up. Even though he knew she’d be better off without him, damn it, he wanted more in life than to remain alone and in hiding on this mountain. He wanted his life back.
One thing he’d come to realize during this initial day of fasting and reflection was that he really had been screwed up before he enlisted. He needed to forgive and make peace with the father who deserted him and his family, as well as with the mother who had her own problems but at least had continued to provide for him and his sister, Marcia.
Ryder bent to pick up the water bottles he’d drunk in preparation for the purification lodge ceremony. No beer, coffee, or anything detrimental to his body had passed his lips today. Not even food. Only water. He had been instructed to drink lots of water.
He passed the altar Carlos had helped him construct. It would remain throughout the four days and nights. When he reached Carlos’s side, his friend turned in silence, and the two walked side by side down the trail. His friend stood a few inches shorter than Ryder’s five-eleven. His stride was long and sure.
The man had been a rock to Ryder for more than two decades. “Thank you, Carlos.”
“No need to thank your brother. You’d do the same if I had been the one who had faced combat.”
He hoped he would have been there for this man he loved more than any other, even more so than Master Sergeant Montague. He and Carlos had a history, a bond that no one could break. But Ryder was tired of always being the one receiving from Carlos. He wanted to give something back. To do that, he must heal great wounds hidden within.
They drove in Carlos’s Jeep to the site the leader had chosen to conduct the ceremony along the banks of the Rio Guadalupe on the pueblo. Ryder’s double-sided drum and stick were in the back of the Jeep. He wouldn’t use it during the sweat, but planned to take it with him when he returned to the mountain to spend the next three nights. He hoped to make it sing once more. Drumming spoke to him in spiritual ways other music did not.
Carlos had told him he needed to bring nothing but himself—and a willingness to be mindful and open to whatever happened. Of course, modesty was valued as a show of respect for the Great Spirit and the Relatives, so no one would be nude inside the lodge. And this one would be limited to males only.
After parking in the remote area, they hiked half a mile to the site. Ryder smelled the smoke from the fire before he actually saw the domed lodge, which had been constructed of willow saplings prayerfully cut down on the pueblo. Ryder had helped in its construction yesterday morning, although he hadn’t been here when a layer of hand-woven blankets had been placed over the tree trunks. Those had been covered by an Army surplus tarp. A fitting concession to modernize the spiritual ceremony that had once been held under buffalo and other hides.
“Things sure have changed for your people, Carlos.”
“Sometimes the more they change, the more they stay the same. The tarp is only a means to an end. The important work is what happens underneath it.”
“Well, one thing I know is that I need to change. I don’t want to run scared and hide out another day in my life.”
“The elders are pleased that you are taking this step. They tell me they have sent many prayers up to the Great Spirit for your healing and peace of mind.”
No doubt those prayers had helped lead him here today. “I can be a little dense sometimes.”
“True. Stubborn, as well.”
Ryder smiled along with Carlos. His friend didn’t feed him any bullshit. Knowing The People had been praying for him made him see the need for this ceremony even more.
“They know you respect and understand many of our ways because of the time you spent here with me. You also have provided every week for our elderly and infirm in the community.”
“Thank you for being here for me—not just today, but way back when I was a lost and angry kid in high school, too. Honestly, though, providing for others has given me a sense of purpose. I need to be needed. Knowing someone was expecting me to stop by with a freshly dressed rabbit or a mess of fish kept me going on days when I wanted to just put an end to the demons in my head.”
“You scared the shit out of me so many times, man.”
“I didn’t mean to—I just didn’t know how to stop hurting. You know your people are my family, too. Ever since your grandmother took me in as one of her own, I’ve been at peace here. Thank you for giving me this place to stay in after I came back to New Mexico.” Ryder clapped Carlos on his bare back. “You saw I was lost and gave me a safe place to regroup.”
“I didn’t expect you to use this as a hideout, though. As you go through this quest ritual, I hope you will remember some of what you have been taught on the pueblo. No man is an island. These past few years I have feared having you becoming another casualty of war. We’ve lost too many already.”