Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5)(52)

“Megan, I’m not sure I can continue to train you.”

Her hand stilled. “Is it because I kept talking when I shouldn’t and I couldn’t keep—”

Ryder placed his pointer finger over her lips to still her words. “You did everything perfectly for a beginner. I’m the one with the problem.”

“I didn’t notice any problems, Sir.”

He wished she’d call him Ryder—just not the way she’d shouted his name out when she came a little while ago. But technically, their last scene together wasn’t over. He needed to talk with her about what he was feeling. Why they needed to put an end to their playtime.

He scrubbed his hand over his face. “I should be drawn and quartered for getting you into kink. We both knew it was temporary, but now I have to worry about what you might do when you go home and start trying to find someone who will continue to train you.”

Megan pushed away from him, and from the glare in her gaze, he prepared for incoming fire.

“Who do you think you are? Why do you get to unilaterally decide it’s over? I thought the lifestyle was all about communication and mutual agreements.”

“It is. But as a Dominant, it’s my responsibility to do no harm.”

“What if I tell you I have no regrets? You’ve helped me explore something I’ve been curious about, but would never have tried with just anyone. Stop trying to be responsible for everything in your world, Ryder. Because some of us can take responsibility for ourselves.”

She scooted off his lap and started to walk away before turning around again. He expected tears, but she wasn’t finished being pissed with him yet.

“I’m not going to fall to pieces just because we aren’t dating when I go back to Albuquerque. I’ve lived on my own a lot of years without having a man there to take care of me. I never intended for things to go this far, and I’m sorry. You aren’t the only one here who’s damaged goods, Ryder. Know what? I can’t have babies. I chose the coward’s way out rather than suffer, so certain I would never meet someone I wanted to make babies with.”

Tears did fill her eyes now. Jesus, how could he unf*ck this? He’d hoped they could at least stay friends. “I don’t—”

“You know what?” She didn’t give him a chance to respond. “I’m a big girl, and I’m going to be fine whether I continue exploring kink with you or not. That’s not who I am at my core. I just thought it would be fun—and it was. Well, until now.”

She glanced down, clenching her hands in front of her. He stood and started toward her, but she held up her hand to stop his words. “I think I’ll head back home in the morning.”

Ryder’s chest ached at her words, and not just because of what Top would say. “That’s not a good idea. We don’t know that the danger is over.”

“It doesn’t matter. Patrick should be home tonight or early tomorrow. If there’s any threat, it will be handled under his watch. Besides, I didn’t come here because I was afraid of someone hurting me. I just didn’t want to see you in so much pain.” Two tears rolled down her cheeks. “But if you need to hide out here alone, so be it.”

Is that what she thought he did here—hide?

Well, what else would you call it?

And while he tried to convince himself she was the one who needed him, the idea of her going away showed him just how much he’d come to need her here. He’d hoped for at least one more day together.

All the more reason she needed to go home. He couldn’t handle long-term attachments to people, not even someone he enjoyed being with as much as Megan. People he loved always came to expect more of him than he was able to give.

This woman deserved someone as strong as she was, someone who would walk beside her and protect her from anyone who tried to harm her. Okay, he’d managed that last part these past few days, not that there’d been any enemies or intruders to fight off.

“Eventually, my shortcomings would have made it impossible for us to have any kind of long-term relationship.”

Shortcomings? She was perfect. He was the flawed one. His mind had been so busy processing the fact that she wanted to leave that he’d lost track of the conversation somewhere along the way.

“Megan, there’s nothing that would keep me from—”

Shit! What had he been about to say? Loving her? He raked his fingers through his hair and stood up. He couldn’t love her the way she should be loved.

“I’ll follow you back to Albuquerque tomorrow.”

“Suit yourself, but you don’t have to. Patrick will be there.”

He hated seeing her leave.

“Good night, Ryder. And you won’t have to sleep on the sofa. I’ll just change my sheets and lay a towel on my bed if needed.”

She turned and walked away. He didn’t bother arguing with her about sleeping arrangements knowing putting an end to all ties probably would be for the best anyway. Having her sleep in his bed would only complicate matters. He wanted no reminders of her in his bed.

Or his life.

Good luck with that, *.

He knew he’d never forget Megan Gallagher no matter how many years passed.

*

Packing her things took less than fifteen minutes, but she hoped to leave soon after daybreak. No sense prolonging the pain by adding more memories to their time together. She’d already spent too much time with him, revealed too much of herself.