Before I Saw You(71)
She re-read the words over and over.
He must be really struggling.
Had she been too hard on him?
She couldn’t shake off the feeling that being angry with him didn’t feel quite so good any more.
With no Alfie to talk to and the wind taken slightly out of her sails about the operation, Alice was struggling to find ways to pass the time between physio sessions. She’d walk around her cubicle, diligently following the doctor’s instructions and Darren’s exercise plans until her bones ached and her skin felt raw. Then she’d be left with pretending to read, pretending to watch TV or pretending to sleep. It was a truly mind-numbingly boring existence. Not that her life before the accident had been full of social events and activities, but never had Alice spent so much time doing nothing. Work had filled her days. Work was her excuse for not hanging out with friends or making plans. She used to moan about her triple-booked diary, her relentless meeting schedules and demanding to-do list, but what she wouldn’t give to have it all back now. The feeling of walking into a boardroom with such confidence, such certainty of yourself that nothing anyone could say would affect you. The adrenaline of a deadline and the sweet exhaustion that came from successfully meeting it. Now, without work, all she had left was to lose herself in other people’s dramatic storylines on terrible daytime TV shows. At least none of them would get on her case about her shitty life.
Thankfully, she must have fallen asleep at some point during the afternoon, because next thing she knew, she was woken by the voices of Alfie and his parents, overcome with joy that their son was going home.
Alice felt torn. Never in her life had she felt so many conflicting things at once. Actually, never in her life had she felt so many things full stop.
She hated him for the other night. She hated him for making her let someone in again after all these years. She was mad at him for leaving her.
Without thinking, she reached back for her phone, and in a rare moment of desperation she messaged Sarah again.
Message to Sarah BFF 11 July 15.15
Alfie and I aren’t actually talking at the moment, and I just found out he’s leaving soon. I don’t know what to do. I was SO angry at him but now I’m just scared. I know there’s nothing you can do, and I don’t really know why I’m telling you this when you’re so far away. I love you and miss you xxx
Message from Sarah BFF 11 July 15.25
Alice, what happened? Actually, regardless of what happened – I’m not saying he’s perfect or he hasn’t done anything wrong, but some things are more important when you look at the bigger picture – don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of this. He loves you. You know he does. So do I. xxx
Her tears were making it difficult to read the screen.
But what was she meant to do? She took a deep breath and tensed every muscle in her body, holding everything so tightly until she was shaking from the pain. Her jaws were clenched shut; teeth on teeth, bone on bone. It was taking all of her energy not to scream the rage out of her. Instead she squeezed her body tighter, screwed her face up and dug her nails deeper into the palms of her hands. A voice inside her head was howling, ripping the silence apart.
I don’t want to FEEL THIS ANY MORE.
All at once her body went limp. The exhaustion hit and she could no longer hold on to the fire. It was burning her from the inside out.
54
Alfie
‘Alfie?’ Her voice was soft and almost dream-like. Alfie couldn’t quite trust that he’d heard it for a moment, until she spoke again. ‘Alfie, are you awake?’
‘Uh-huh. What’s going on, is everything OK?’ He was still a little surprised at her making the first move.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
OK, now he was really confused. ‘What?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving so soon?’
‘Oh. I only found out a couple of days ago. Then we weren’t talking, and then we were, and then we weren’t again. I just … there just wasn’t a right time.’
A part of him was flattered by her sadness. Another was confused. She was the one who was angry with him. Why would she care if he stayed or went?
‘I know, but still, that’s big news.’
He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the same time the fear of being vulnerable with her again was clamping down on his words. He knew he had to be honest with her. He knew that if he pushed her away now, the chances of getting her back were slim to none. She’d opened the door and there was no way he could slam it back in her face.
Taking a deep breath, he dived in. ‘I’m sorry I upset you the other day. It’s just, I have lost so many people in my life in such a short space of time, and I guess I’m petrified of losing another one. You nearly died once, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact you want to risk it all over again when you don’t need to. But that’s me. That’s my opinion and I shouldn’t have put that on you. I’m sorry.’ He took another breath. ‘I really am sorry.’
Clenching his hands tighter, he fought back the impulse to cry.
He heard her breathing deepen, quicken, then slow again.
‘Alfie—’ Her voice cracked with emotion. ‘I’m absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen. I know you don’t think I need an operation to accept myself, and I wish I could buy into that too, but you don’t see the way people look at me. Even the nurses – when they try not to stare, they can’t help it. I see it. Every day.’ She paused for air. ‘I need to do this to help myself. I don’t ask that you agree. I don’t ask that you wheel me into theatre singing praises about my decision. All I ask is that you support me. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted you by my side, in my corner. And when you weren’t, I guess I panicked and lashed out.’