Before I Saw You(72)

Alfie took a few moments to let her words sink in.

She wanted me to be there for her.

‘Will you do me a favour? Just for one second, would you try something for me?’ he ventured.

‘It depends … your plans always worry me!’

‘All I want you to do is close your eyes.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Hmmm. OK. Fine. They’re closed.’ She sounded suspicious but there was definitely a hint of curiosity there. ‘You do know that I could be lying, right? You’ll never know for sure if I’m doing what you say.’

‘I know, but I’m hoping I can trust you.’ He wasn’t in the mood to mess around tonight.

‘OK, so what next?’

‘I want you to imagine a place in the world you’ve always wanted to go to. It could be a country, a city, a building, anywhere: just make sure it’s somewhere you haven’t been to yet.’

He waited a moment.

‘Can you see it?’

‘Yes, I can see it.’

‘Now I want you to imagine you’re there. That you’re standing in that place right this second.’

‘OK …’

‘How does it feel?’

‘What?’ She sounded confused and perhaps a little impatient.

‘If you’re really imagining yourself there, I’m asking how does it feel? What’s the air temperature? What can you hear? What does it look like when the sun rises? How does it change when the moon shines? Alice, are you there yet?’

He heard her inhale.

His heart was racing.

‘It’s incredible. It’s breathtaking.’

‘You’ve never been to this place before in your entire life, yet when you imagine yourself there now, it’s making you feel things, right?’

‘I guess.’ She was hesitating; he knew he had to finish this quickly.

‘It’s making you feel things in your stomach, in your chest, in the way your breathing changes and your mood relaxes. Alice, don’t you understand? I don’t have to see you to know that you make me feel things.’

‘Wait – what?’

He couldn’t stop now. ‘Being around you, speaking to you, even just hearing you breathing does things to me I’ve never felt before. You make my heart beat a million times a minute, you make me smile without even saying a word, and my stomach ties itself in knots when I know you’re awake next to me. I don’t need to look at you to know how I feel about you.’

‘But those feelings are based on a fantasy, Alfie. On only half the information.’ The frustration in her voice was clear. He knew it was a risk, he knew she wouldn’t like it, but he had to try.

‘I know it sounds insane. And trust me, I’ve questioned it myself over and over again. But let me ask you this. What do you feel when you think of me?’

Silence.

‘I don’t need you to tell me. I just need you to know. Because I’m guessing when you start thinking about it, you’ll realize you can feel things about people without relying on your eyes to tell you who they are or what they’re about. When I close my eyes and picture you, I see someone so strong. I see someone who’s brave. Someone whose life has forced them to become so fiercely independent that they shut out everyone who wants to get close to them. I see someone who, behind all those walls and facades, is filled with so much kindness and love that it’s breathtaking. I feel someone who radiates the most amazing, electric energy that she lights up this very cold, very lonely and very empty room every single day. So, no. I haven’t seen your face. I don’t know the colour of your hair or the length of your arms or legs. I don’t even know if you have any! But I don’t care. Do you hear me? I. Don’t. Care. I see you. I see you for who you are, Alice, and it’s the most dazzling thing I have ever seen.’

The silence was excruciating.

Alfie fought hard not to break it.

He tore his gaze away from the ceiling to try and see if he could make out any of her silhouette in the moonlight.

He couldn’t.

Instead, he found her very pale, very shaky, very lonely hand waiting for his.





55


Alice





She woke with her hand still hanging off the side of the bed. It felt cold and empty without Alfie’s to hold. She wanted to reach through and grab it again, to feel the touch of the man she cared for so deeply. A man who had spoken to her the most wonderful words she had ever heard. A man who had saved her these last few weeks.

Just as she was about to close the gap between them, he started to stir.

‘Hey. How are you?’ His voice was covered with sleep.

‘I’m good. Tired, but good.’ She wanted to let him know how much last night had meant to her, but she was also aware that in the cold light of day, maybe he was feeling a little embarrassed. Or worse, he might even be regretting it. ‘How are you?’

Did she really want to know the answer?

‘Same. Although I’m keen to get back to reading The Philosopher’s Stone now we know we only have limited time left to finish it!’

She laughed. Alfie Mack was back, and Alice felt nothing but relief.

‘You’re relentless.’