Before I Saw You(69)
‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Alice. I’m not going to lie to you.’
‘Really? After everything you’ve preached to me about, you’re saying you’d rather I spend the rest of my life hiding? Hiding away from people, from new places, new experiences. Hiding behind these fucking hideous curtains? I want more, Alfie. I never thought I’d say it but I do.’
How had they gone from not speaking to making up to arguing? All Alice knew was that she was so full of rage nothing else mattered.
His voice was so soft she barely caught the words. ‘I guess I just wish you could see what I see.’
‘But you haven’t seen me, have you.’ The uncontrollable fire burst out of her. ‘You lie there day in day out, creating this fantasy of me behind this fucking curtain, but you have no idea. You have no idea how damaged I am, Alfie. So stop pretending that you know me!’
52
Alfie
He barely slept that night for all the thinking. At some point in the early hours he must have drifted off, because when he woke it took him a couple of moments to remember that it hadn’t all been a dream. The dynamic had shifted and Alfie had no idea who was going to talk first.
‘Good morning, and how are we doing today?’ Nurse Angles’ bust was making its way through his curtains and into the cubicle. He was grateful she sounded a little brighter today; the loss of Mr Peterson had hit everyone harder than expected, but he had a feeling he’d need every ounce of her sunshine and positivity to get him through the next few hours.
‘Fine. Tired, I guess.’
‘Hmmmm.’ She eyed him warily. ‘Are you two friends again or are we still pretending to dislike each other?’ She nodded in the direction of Alice’s bed. The way she said it reminded Alfie of how some of the teachers would treat the children at school; come on now, let’s not be silly, forgive and make up.
‘Long story, but I don’t think we’re friends.’ Alfie really didn’t want to go into any more detail on the subject. He also made sure his voice was as quiet as possible so Alice wouldn’t be able to hear.
‘I don’t know what to do with the pair of you.’ She shook her head in dismay. ‘At least you’ll be able to tell your mum and dad your good news today! That will be wonderful for them.’
‘Huh?’
‘Alfie, what’s wrong with you this morning! You’re more confused than Sharon without a glass of wine in her hand.’ She laughed at her own joke. She was definitely feeling better. ‘Physio agreeing to sign you off!’
Alfie feigned a smile. ‘Of course! Sorry, apparently I’m too tired to think. Yes, I’m sure my mum will be thrilled. Or panicked. Or both.’
‘She’ll just be so relieved to have her baby back. Our loss, her gain.’ She flashed him one more loving smile and left him to his thoughts. Surprisingly, not to thoughts about being able to deliver the news his mum had been dying to hear for months. Not to thoughts about the delicious crispy roast potatoes that would be arriving at his bedside imminently. No, all his thoughts were about the woman lying in the bed next to him whom he hadn’t even laid eyes on.
Alice Gunnersley, what have you done to me?
*
‘Oh, sorry we’re a little late, Alf. The traffic was awful, and then I needed the toilet so we had to stop at this cafe, and then Robert got a coffee. I told him to wait until we got here but you know what he’s like with his coffees.’ His mum was talking nineteen to the dozen while kissing him on the cheek, patting him down to check for any new limb loss, and eventually settling into the chair by his bed.
‘You know the coffee here tastes like it’s come straight from a bedpan. You can’t berate a man for wanting a decent latte, can you, son?’
‘Oh, don’t bring Alfie into it. The poor boy has to put up with the food here all day every day! Anyway, baby, how are you?’
‘Well, I won’t be putting up with it for much longer actually.’ He smiled, drip-feeding them the news to see how quickly the penny dropped.
‘No, no, of course not. That’s the attitude to have. It’s not for ever, you’re right.’ His mum was still flapping. She was busying herself with unpacking the food and attempting to serve it on to the paper plates they’d brought.
Robert looked at Alfie. ‘Hold on a second. Are you trying to tell us something?’
‘Huh?’ She paused midway through dealing out a Yorkshire. ‘What do you mean? Alfie, tell me! Have they given you a date?’
‘Calm down, Mum, I only found out a couple of days ago.’ He’d forgotten what Jane Mack on a mission could be like. ‘And I wanted to tell you in person: physio have signed me off. They just need the doctor to give a final assessment and then … yeah, if all goes well, I’m coming home.’
Before he could take his next breath he felt his mum wrap herself around him. The weight of her, the smell of her, the warmth of her seemed to bring the reality of the news home to him.
He was going home.
He was really going home.
He could feel his shoulder getting damp as she cried tears of relief.
‘Come on, Mum. You’re soaking me over here!’ He gently held her out in front of him and gave her a kiss on the cheek. There was so much love in her eyes he felt it physically wash over him.