Before I Saw You(66)

Before his own accident, Alfie could never really understand why people got so worried about forgetting their loved ones when they passed. Surely you could never erase those memories or moments from your mind? How could you ever forget a person who had meant so much to you? But you could. And you did. One of the hardest lessons he’d had to learn was that time doesn’t stop for anyone. If you don’t go with it, there’s a risk people will move on without you too. But to take that first step feels so much like betrayal it roots you to the spot. Watching the ward prepare for another person to move into Mr Peterson’s space was another stark reminder of how quickly the world carries on without you.

‘Alfie. Are you awake in there?’ One of the nurses’ voices broke his stream of thoughts. It was tentative and barely audible over the whirring in his head. It seemed everyone was treading on eggshells.

‘Uh-huh.’

She pulled back the curtain. ‘Agnes is here. She’d like to talk to you, if you don’t mind?’

Panic raced through him, stealing his breath as it went.

‘It won’t take long, dear. I know you’ll want to be by yourself today.’ Agnes’s voice sounded so strong and calm. Was she still in shock? Had it hit her yet that her husband was dead?

‘Of course, come in.’ He sat up, rearranging himself in the hope of masking the creases of grief that had folded themselves into him.

She looked smaller than the last time he’d seen her, although maybe that was just in his mind. Her crinkled face was etched deeply with lines of laughter, of tears, of sun-kissed days and freezing nights. This was a worldly woman. Alfie got the impression there wasn’t much that could shock her any more. Today it seemed she was using everything she had inside her to keep upright and strong.

She shuffled towards him and sat down in the chair by his bed. Her hands were clasped around her handbag, holding on to the worn leather so tightly that the paper-thin skin of her knuckles was turning white.

‘Agnes I’m so, so—’

‘Alfie.’ She stopped his words dead in their tracks. ‘It was his time to go and we must respect that.’

Alfie sat with his eyes and mouth wide open, looking at the incredibly calm woman in front of him.

‘Of course, that doesn’t stop it hurting.’ She coughed and her gaze dropped briefly down to her hands. ‘I want to thank you for being there with him. Not just last night, but ever since you came to the ward. I’m not sure if he told you, because he was a stubborn old bastard at times, but he loved you. It’s funny; so many people have asked me if I’ve found it hard being apart from him for so long. Have I found it difficult knowing he was being left in this place without me? But whenever I’ve thought about it, I’ve come back to the same answer. I’ve never felt worried or guilty because I knew he was surrounded by love here. He had you. And he was so grateful for that.’

Alfie shook his head. Alfie was the one who had stopped checking in on his friend as much because he’d got too caught up in another silly side story. He couldn’t bear the compliments. He didn’t want the affection. Niceties made the stabs of guilt more intense.

‘But I let him down.’ The words came out so small and quiet.

‘You did nothing of the sort.’ Alfie was taken aback by the slap on the wrist she gave him. ‘Stop that nonsense. I knew my husband for over sixty years, and I saw the way he looked at you. You were a good friend to him, and I am very thankful for all that you did for him. In fact …’

She reached into her handbag and pulled out two worn, shabby-looking books.

‘I know he’d have wanted you to have these. I can’t stand the things, but I know you both loved puzzles so much. These are two of the hardest, apparently. He tried over the years to finish them but never got round to it. Now it’s your turn to try.’

Only then did Alfie manage to cry.

‘Oh, look, don’t get yourself upset now.’ She handed him a tissue from her bag. ‘He’d want you to be happy.’

‘Thank you. I’m really going to miss him, you know?’

She patted his hand one last time and shuffled her way up to standing. ‘You and me both.’





49


Alice





She’d messed up. She’d messed up really, really badly.

Straight after it happened, she tried to convince herself that she’d simply been too confused to do anything. Being woken up by the screaming had been disorientating and she couldn’t be sure if she was still dreaming or not. Confusion. That was the reason it took her so long to react, and then by the time she’d worked out what was happening it was all too late.

It was a hard pill to swallow to admit it was all bullshit.

Ultimately she was a coward. A selfish, unforgivable coward.

It was true that she was disorientated when she first woke up; however, the moment she heard Alfie’s voice she knew that this was very real and something was very wrong. Yet despite his cries for help, she couldn’t go to him. Fear was holding her down against her will. The most ludicrous part of it all was that no one would be looking at her anyway. The only thing anyone would be caring about was saving the life of a man who was dying in front of their eyes. It was all in her head. She was the only one that cared. She was the only one standing in her way, and now she was suffering the consequences.