Before I Saw You(61)

She’s not a child, Alfie.

He was panicking and he knew it.

‘Hello, Alice. It’s Mr Warring. May I come in?’

‘Sure.’ She was quiet; maybe some uncertainty had crept back in. Maybe she would ask for more time.

Alfie shifted his weight over again to listen in close.

‘So, it’s been a few days since we last spoke, and I wanted to get a sense of where you are with our conversation.’

Just say it bluntly, doctor. Do you want to undergo major surgery all over again for the sake of a few scars?

He knew he was being unfair but this anger was appearing out of nowhere.

‘I want the surgery and I want it as soon as possible.’

Her assurance was loud and clear. There was no hint of doubt.

‘OK then, we will get you scheduled in. I’ll let you know dates and we can talk details then.’

And so it was done.

He knew he couldn’t be here right now. If Alice dared to try and talk to him, he was afraid of what emotional outpouring would escape him. He needed space to breathe and to think and to be.

Hauling himself up, he reached for his prosthesis and attached it as quickly and quietly as possible. Now was not the time to draw attention to himself. Slowly, he extricated himself from the bed and was out of the ward without any word from Alice.

Somewhat unconsciously, he found himself standing outside in the courtyard again. This little patch of outdoors was quickly becoming a place of refuge for him. He made his way over to the swing bench in the corner and allowed himself to sink down and wallow in his thoughts.

There was one he couldn’t seem to let go of.

Why am I so against the surgery?

If he really cared about Alice, surely he would just want her to be happy?

Alfie closed his eyes and let the answers bubble up from within.

There they were, clear as day, the lifeless bodies of Ciarán and Ross staring up at him.

He couldn’t save them. Nearly every night, his dreams showed him how he had failed to save the two people in the world who had needed him most. Despite his best attempts, despite dragging his body across the road to reach them, he’d been too weak, too hurt, and too pathetic to get to them in time. He could have done more. He should have done more. For the rest of his life he would have to live with the knowledge he had let them down. Would protecting Alice somehow make up for his previous failings? Had his natural inclination to help morphed into something more intense? He knew the risks of surgery were small, but after the pain he’d endured he didn’t want any possibility of loss in his life, no matter how long the odds were. He couldn’t lose her. Not on his watch. He simply wouldn’t.

‘You all right, buddy?’

Alfie jerked his head up so violently he gave himself head rush; he had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard anyone approach. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was Darren standing over him.

‘Oh, hey, yeah, I’m OK.’ His voice betrayed him with a slight wobble.

‘Mind if I sit?’ Everything inside Alfie wanted to say no – wasn’t it obvious he needed space? But then again, this was Darren, the nicest man on the planet. He shifted over, making a little room for him on the swing. ‘I saw you as I was walking past – you seemed a bit off so I thought I’d check in.’

Alfie’s gaze was fixed determinedly on a group of ants in front of him.

‘You want to tell me what’s going on?’

Alfie bit his tongue and dropped his head lower.

Darren was playing the waiting game, and Alfie realized the only way to get him to leave was to give him what he wanted.

‘One of my friends is thinking about having major surgery to correct her face. She was badly burnt in a fire. I don’t know how much damage there is. I haven’t seen her – she won’t let me see her – but I do know it would be purely cosmetic.’

‘Ah.’ It suddenly dawned on Alfie that Darren knew Alice. He’d treated her. He’d seen her. ‘And you don’t think she should have it?’

Ever the professional, Darren didn’t acknowledge that Alice was the subject of their conversation. Alfie couldn’t ignore the pang of guilt that hit him hard. He felt himself grow suddenly defensive. ‘I just don’t think she should put herself through all of that risk and uncertainty and stress for no reason.’ His fists were balled tightly now.

‘But that’s her choice. Not yours.’

He should have known Darren was not the person to talk to about this. Of course he wouldn’t get it; he was too nice for his own good.

‘Don’t you think I know that?’ His voice came out louder than he intended, but it felt good to shout. Alfie didn’t care that people were staring at him. Let them stare. ‘I keep thinking, what if she dies? What if she dies and I didn’t try to stop her?’

He felt Darren’s hand on his back. A warm, comforting, solid hand. Alfie shook his head as the tears came.

‘It’s not your job to save her, Alfie.’

Alfie was so tense he could feel his fingernails making cuts into his palms.

‘I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, mate, but I’ll always be honest with you.’

Alfie knew he was right, but a part of him still wanted to scream in Darren’s face. Instead he chose to remain stubbornly wordless.