Before I Saw You(59)
It had been a strange sort of afternoon; she’d felt something had been off the moment Alfie’s parents walked on to the ward. A tension in their conversation, Alfie’s tone slightly harsher and blunter than usual. But for now she’d wait; they had all evening to talk, so her curiosity could be silenced for a little longer.
Surprisingly, it was Alfie who started the conversation with her. To say she was relieved was an understatement; navigating her way skilfully into emotional heart-to-hearts was still not her strong point.
‘Hey, Alice, do you want some more brownie? I think for the first time in my life I’ve reached my limit.’
‘Alfie, it’s 10 o’clock at night.’
‘And? Brownies are good 24/7, it’s a scientific fact.’
‘Well, in that case, yes, hand some over. Plus, Sarah ate most of the lemon drizzle cake we had – I barely got a look in.’
An entire cake tin suddenly appeared through the gap in her curtain.
Alice reached in for a couple, only to find the tin stuffed full with cake. ‘Whoa, how much did your mum bake? There’s still so many!’
‘Please, Alice, just take the whole lot. I still have two tins back here, if you can believe it.’
‘If you insist.’
Without hesitating, she started making her way through the brownies. Maybe she could eat herself into oblivion and avoid the reality of the outside world. She supposed it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Burns victim survives fire but dies by chocolate.
‘Was there any particular reason why your mum decided to give us all diabetes today?’
‘You can always tell something bad has happened, or someone’s sad, when my mum starts to obsessively bake.’
‘Is … is everything OK?’
‘It’s a bit of a weird one. I’m not really sure where to start.’
‘You can start anywhere or nowhere. It’s totally up to you.’ She held her breath: would he remember he’d said those same words to her not so long ago?
‘Ah, someone very wise must have said that to you once.’
‘Oh yes, he was very wise. Wildly inappropriate, and laughed at his own jokes a lot, but he was one of the smartest … and the kindest.’
‘Well then, in his honour I guess it’s only fair that I tell the story.’
‘I’m right here – with a hell of a lot of brownies and ready to listen.’
‘Today was the anniversary of my dad’s death.’
Had she really heard that right?
‘But I th—’
‘You thought Robert was my dad? Well, of course you did, I call him Dad. To me he is my dad. I’ve never known anyone else. But biologically he isn’t.’
‘Oh, right, I see.’
She wanted to know more immediately but she didn’t dare push him.
‘My real dad, Stephen, got cancer when my mum was only a few weeks pregnant with me. It was in his kidneys. They operated and he went through chemo, all with the prognosis that he could have years left to live. Years left to meet me and see me grow up, and live a relatively normal life. Unfortunately, they got it wrong. Or maybe the cancer just decided to show us all who was boss. So, not only did my mum have to nurse my dad through some really dark times, she also had to look after two young boys, all while being pregnant with me. Then, to top it off, the love of her life went and died on her only weeks before she gave birth. It was really shit – apparently – I mean, I only know this from my brothers, and Robert of course.’
‘Wait, so Robert was around even then?’
‘Robert was actually my dad’s best friend. They’d known each other since school. They came as a package, apparently – you rarely saw one without the other. Robert was like an uncle to my brothers. They grew up with him too. With Mum being so heavily pregnant and basically dealing with all of this on her own, he was around a lot to help us out. Plus, he kept Dad’s spirits up and helped with taking care of him. I don’t think my family would have survived without him. Nothing romantic happened for a while after Dad passed. Robert just wanted to make sure he looked after us. I think Dad made him promise to be there for us after he’d gone. Over time, things started to change between him and Mum, and it turns out they found love. It’s amazing, to be honest, and I love Robert like a father. Like I said, to me he is my dad. I’ve never known any different.’
He paused, although Alice knew there was more.
‘It makes days like the anniversary of Stephen’s death hard because everyone is grieving, even my brothers, and I’m just there going through the motions. I know I should feel sad, but I can’t miss a man I never knew. Robert insists on telling me stories about him – I think he wants me to love the man like he did. Everyone says I’m a lot like him, that I have his laid-back attitude, his humour, and of course I’m the only one who got his eyes.’
‘His eyes?’
He laughed. ‘I forgot you wouldn’t have seen them! I have different-coloured eyes. One is hazel and the other is bright green. It’s pretty cool, although growing up, people used to tease me about it. Every time I’d come home crying after school, my mum would say to me, “It’s a piece of your dad, Alfie. What’s not to love?” That made me hate him even more. It was hard for my mum to watch her youngest son try to forget his real dad ever existed. As I grew up, I realized how important he was to both Mum and Robert, and so I made a special effort to listen more to their stories. To ask questions. To study the photographs of them all as a family. It’s just hard when it’s not the family I know.’