Before I Saw You(60)
‘That’s a hell of a lot for you to deal with as a kid.’
He was silent.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything bad about your family. It just seems like that’s a lot of pressure for you to have taken on so young.’
‘No, it’s OK. I’d never really thought about it like that. Growing up in a family that carried so much sadness and that had been through so much pain, all I wanted was to make them smile. I guess I’ve never grown out of it. I hate the thought of ever upsetting anyone.’
Instinctively she reached her hand through the curtain. His hand was warm and firm in hers. ‘Sorry, there’s probably a load of brownie on my fingers.’
He squeezed her harder. ‘Just how I like it.’
Once again she had that urge to share something of herself with him in return. Not out of duty or because she felt like she had to, but because she really wanted to.
‘My dad left us after Euan died.’
Wow, there it was. Just like that.
‘Really? How come?’
‘Didn’t want to be around the sadness any more. That was the exact line he wrote in the letter he left for me. He didn’t even have the guts to say goodbye to me face-to-face. I was twelve by then, and he left me at home with a psychopathic mother who could barely look after herself, let alone a child. He was a coward.’ There was so much venom in her voice that she could feel the acid burning her tongue as she spoke. Her dad was a subject she rarely talked about, even to Sarah.
‘Has he ever been in contact since?’
‘He wrote a few times. Always apologizing and trying to explain why he had to get away. And the worst thing is, I understand. I couldn’t have stayed married to my mother after what she became, but still, to leave me there with her … I find that really hard to forgive.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘The funny thing is, I convinced myself he was coming back. Every night I would leave the hall light on, a glass of brandy out on the side and a portion of dinner I’d saved in the oven for him. Every night for almost a year, until one night my mother – who had drunk more than her usual bottle of whiskey – woke up on the sofa and saw me leaving the drink out. She laughed and told me how pathetic I was for thinking he would come back for me. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t wait to get away from me. Euan was the only one he cared about, and he’d told her he wished it was me who’d got sick instead. I was so mad I threw the glass at her head. It missed, fortunately or unfortunately, but after that I gave up on him. And her. Told myself he was never coming back and shut myself off from that life altogether.’
Silence.
Hands squeezing even tighter than before.
‘Alice, I’m so sorry that happened to you.’ His voice was so soft it barely kissed her ears.
‘I haven’t thought about that night for years. I kind of forgot it ever happened, actually.’
‘People do say I’m like therapy, but better and free.’
He was obviously joking, but he was right. Not that she’d been to therapy as an adult. Her dad had tried to make her go after Euan’s death; she’d gone maybe three times before her mum pulled her out of it, saying it was a waste of money.
‘Thank you.’ She squeezed his hand again and let go. It was suddenly too much for her and she had to break free.
‘You know that not everyone is going to hurt you, right?’
His words hit her hard. A sob escaped from her mouth as she buried her head in her hands. All of a sudden the pain was pouring out of her and she didn’t know how to make it stop.
‘I didn’t mean to make you more upset. I just needed you to know that. Not all of us are going to leave you. You don’t have to push us all away.’
She looked down to see his hand still outstretched on her side of the curtain. She reached for him once again, just briefly. A wave of heat flooded her body.
Maybe Alfie was right. Maybe she didn’t need to push everyone away to survive. Maybe love didn’t need to be feared. She remembered the words that had come to her before.
If you’re not willing to die, you have to find a way to live.
46
Alfie
He didn’t know what was more exhausting, waking up after a night of vivid dreaming or waking up after having a late-night conversation with Alice. Both seemed to pull deeply at his heart and leave him more than a little drained. This morning, though, alongside the heavy tiredness there was a giddy feeling. An excitement that hummed deep inside his stomach. How much had she shared with him last night! He couldn’t believe how much she had opened up and also how very painful her life had been growing up. That story alone would explain the walls she’d put up and her deep-rooted independence. The mystery of Alice Gunnersley was slowing unravelling.
‘Morning, Alice. Mr Warring said he would be down to see you shortly. I wanted to let you know in case you needed more time to think.’ Nurse Angles didn’t even ask permission to go into her cubicle these days. Alfie watched as she walked straight in without thought or apology.
‘That’s fine, thank you.’ Her voice sounded thick with sleep.
Did this mean she knew what she was going to do?
Please, Alice. Don’t rush into this.
Luckily he didn’t have long to wait for the answers before the figure of Mr Warring appeared, striding down the ward. Was she really going to do this without Sarah here?