Before I Saw You(56)
‘It sounds perfect to me.’ She closed her eyes and let the feeling of longing drench her in sadness.
‘It was, but like I said, it was only surface level. I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. There wasn’t any deeper connection. I mean, look at us now. I lost my leg and she left me. She didn’t even want to try. And looking back, neither did I. I could have fought for her but I didn’t. I didn’t wake up every morning needing to know if she was OK, how she was feeling or if I could do anything to help. I didn’t waste hours upon hours just thinking about her, or ways I could make her world brighter, or things I could do just to hear her laugh one more time. Hearing her name didn’t make the hairs on my entire body stand up on end. Something was missing. There was nothing that bound us together. Do you know what I mean?’
‘No, Alfie, that’s the whole point. And I’m scared I never will.’ She shook her head. How stupid had she been for even bringing this up?
Never finding love – now, where would that go on your pros and cons list, hey?
‘Sorry for asking a question like that. I didn’t mean to start such a deep conversation in the middle of the night.’
‘Well, they were a key item on our schedule, so I’m glad you’re taking it seriously!’
She forced a laugh that seemed to disappear as quickly as it came.
‘I guess I’m just starting to realize how lonely I’ve been my whole life. Before I didn’t care so much, but now I think I really do.’
‘You have Sarah.’
‘True, but the reality is she’s moved away. Her life is on the other side of the world now, with Raph.’
‘Do you think you would ever try and reconcile with your mum?’
‘Ha!’ If only he knew the half of it. ‘I’ve tried, I really have. When I first left home I swore I would never contact her again. The anger was so intense I couldn’t see past it, but over the years I found there was a hole inside me I couldn’t seem to fill. Not with work, not with food, not with men. I wrote her so many letters telling her how she’d made me feel, how it was growing up in a house like ours, and how much I wanted to hear her say, “I love you.” But it was pointless. I burnt the letters and made peace with it. My family is elsewhere and I don’t need her validation to be happy.’
The words were flowing now; she knew she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to.
‘Sarah is my family. I have acquaintances and people who care about me, but I don’t let anyone get too close. I used to think that was a choice. Being independent was a sign of strength and a badge I wore so fucking proudly, right in the middle of my chest. “You can’t hurt me because there’s no way in hell you’ll get close enough to try.” “The only person you can count on is yourself.” “Other people let you down, even those who are meant to take care of you and love you unconditionally.” “The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.” All this bullshit I fed myself, just so I didn’t have to face the reality that I’m scared about being vulnerable and intimate, and God forbid, falling in love with someone. In the end I either pushed or let everyone fall away, and now, with this hideous body and face, no one is going to want to even come close.’
‘I’m still here.’ His voice was so quiet and timid, like a little boy.
‘Only because you’re stuck in the bed next to me.’
‘Yeah, it’s mandatory for me to spend my whole day speaking to you because I’m stuck in the bed next to you.’ Through the sarcasm, the resentment was unmistakable.
‘OK, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m tired, my mum is coming tomorrow and it’s going to be a tough day, so I just took it out on you.’
‘That’s OK. Why is it going to be tough? Is everything all right?’
‘Yeah, yeah, all fine. Ignore me. I’m just tired.’
‘OK …’ She wasn’t convinced but she didn’t push it. Maybe she was starting to know his boundaries too. ‘Goodnight, Alfie, sorry for keeping you up.’
‘Goodnight.’ She heard him sigh and pictured this faceless man closing his eyes. ‘And just so you know … I love being stuck in the bed next to you.’
Her breath caught in her throat, and for one glorious moment she felt her heart flutter. ‘I love you being stuck in the bed next to me too, Alfie.’
44
Alfie
When he woke up the next morning he instantly felt regret at last night. Why had he said all those things to her? There was something about the darkness that made it feel safer to talk openly – no one to stare or judge you as you let fragments of your heart pass between the curtains. It had been the first time he’d ever admitted his realization about Lucy. In fact, he hadn’t even known it himself until he’d reflected on it a few days ago. He had cared for her, deeply and truly, but he had never had conversations with her like he did with Alice. As he was describing all the things that were missing from his relationship with Lucy, it dawned on him where he now sought them. Sometimes his connection with Alice felt more real and precious than three years with his ex-girlfriend. Had he revealed too many of his feelings last night? Had he given away any hint of where his thoughts were going? He prayed not. He didn’t want to give Alice any reason to push him away again, not now they’d come so far.