Before I Saw You(55)

The more he spoke, the quicker Alfie’s heart raced. Surely she wouldn’t be willing to put herself through all this?

‘Whatever you say to me, doctor, I’m going ahead with the surgery. So just tell me what I need to do and how quickly we can get it scheduled.’

He knew that Alice could be stubborn. Anyone who could be silent for weeks on end clearly had extreme willpower, but he was shocked at how forthright she sounded and how determined she was to have this operation, in spite of the risks.

‘Al, maybe give it a day or two just to think it over. We can discuss it and see how you feel in the morning.’

Thank you, Sarah.

‘I think your friend is right. This isn’t a small undertaking, and I would ask that you take some time to think about it. I’ll check back in a couple of days and we can work out a plan from there, OK?’

‘Fine.’

‘Great. I’ll see you both soon. Have a good afternoon.’

All of a sudden Alfie felt very uneasy.

‘I know you want this, Alice, but please at least sleep on it,’ he heard Sarah say. ‘In fact, why don’t you do what we used to do … write it out? The pros and cons list. We can review it tomorrow morning if you like? You’re never one to make a rushed decision about anything. Don’t let this be the one time you do.’

‘You’re right. I know you’re right.’ Her voice was thick with defeat.

‘Now, why don’t we get Alfie to take us all back to Hogwarts again, hey?’ Sarah shouted across to him. Alfie quickly slid back to the middle of his bed. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to discover him eavesdropping.

‘Were you asking me or were you telling me?’ The odd sensation of anxiety was still rumbling in his stomach, but he managed to inject lightness into his voice.

‘Telling,’ Alice and Sarah both confirmed in unison.

‘As the ladies wish …’ And so he began to lose himself in the wonder of words yet again.





43


Alice





She knew she wasn’t going to sleep a wink that night. There was so much going on inside her head that keeping it all in was becoming unbearable. She grabbed the piece of paper next to her bed, switched the reading light on and searched frantically for a pen.

When in doubt, write it out.

Sarah was right. It was always her solution whenever Alice was faced with a problem she couldn’t easily solve. Do I take this job? Do I buy these shoes? Do I spend ￡3,000 on a kitchen I am never going to cook in?

‘Pros and cons – write them down.’

It was always the same advice, and nine out of ten times it worked.

As Alice snatched the clipboard from the end of her bed to lean on, she couldn’t help but smile at seeing the piece of paper she’d grabbed. It was the schedule Alfie had made for her. The wonderful attempt he’d crafted to help her get through the days.

Don’t think about that right now.

Focus.

And so, for the next hour, Alice created a pros and cons list: to have the surgery or not.

Pros:

– Look like less of a freak



Come on, Alice, be serious.

– ‘Reduced scarring and more even skin tone’ – says Mr Warring

– Potential to look more ‘normal’

– Help me gain more confidence

– Less afraid to be seen

Cons:

– Might not work as well as I hope

– Complications of surgery – could I die if it went wrong?

– Have to go through recovery all over again

– More time in hospital



But more time in hospital could also mean more time with Alfie.

But who was he? This man behind the curtain. The complete stranger who had now become such an integral part of her every day. There was so much she wanted to know and so much she realized she was afraid to find out.

‘Alfie? Are you awake?’

‘Yeah, are you?’

She laughed. ‘Surprisingly, yes.’

‘Good. Everything OK?’

‘Yeah …’

She took a deep breath in. Her mind was spinning with thoughts and it was becoming harder and harder to focus on a single thread.

‘It’s just … I mean … I don’t know …’

He remained faithfully silent.

‘I guess I was wondering … how does it feel to be in love?’

‘Wow. I won’t lie to you, I wasn’t expecting that …’

‘Sorry.’ She was mumbling, trying to gather the words back into her mouth. ‘I just thought, because of your ex-girlfriend, that maybe—’

‘It’s fine. It was just a bit out of the blue.’

God, she wished she’d never asked. The silence seemed to stretch out for hours.

‘Do you want the honest answer?’

‘Yes.’

Do you really, Alice?

‘I don’t know. I thought I was in love with Lucy. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. I fancied her so much. Sometimes it hurt to look at her because I wanted her that badly. We’d been together three years and so I thought she must be the one. The one I was going to marry, have kids with, grow old with. But now, when I really think about it, it feels like there was something missing. I think I got so caught up in the idea that someone wanted me back that I let it override my true feelings. It was as though I felt like I should have been in love with her because on the surface everything was so perfect.’