Before I Saw You(58)
Sarah fished out a large slice of the lemon drizzle and disappeared behind the curtain.
‘Thank you!’ Alice called.
‘THAT’S OK, LOVE. THERE’S MORE HERE IF YOU WANT.’
Why his mother was shouting at her, Alfie had no idea.
‘Mum, it’s just a curtain, not a stone wall. You don’t have to shout.’
‘Oh, right. Yes.’ Redness flooded her cheeks. ‘Well, just be quiet and eat your brownies.’
The afternoon passed surprisingly well. Probably a result of the extremely high blood sugar levels and numerous cups of tea being delivered because ‘a slice of cake isn’t right without a cup of tea’, according to the nurses.
‘So come on, tell us. Is there any news on when you’ll be out yet?’
His mum was desperate to have him home; every day that passed was one too many in her opinion.
‘No. They keep saying soon. It all depends on when the physio team are happy to sign me off.’
‘Do you want me to talk to them? Maybe get them to give a firmer timeline? I’m happy to go and speak to them if you want.’
Of course his mum would be happy to go and speak to them. If you needed an answer from someone, it was highly recommended that you send in Jane Mack. No man, woman or child could survive a grilling from her.
‘No, it’s fine. Thanks, though. I’m having a review next week, so if I still don’t have any answers after that, I’ll call you in for back-up.’
‘You’re just too laid back. If this was either of your brothers, they’d be asking every minute what was happening. But knowing you, you could be in here for another ten years if someone doesn’t get involved! You get that from your dad.’
‘Don’t go comparing me to my idiot brothers, please. And I think you’ll find I’ve seen our Robert over there stressed and highly strung on many occasions. Don’t lump me in with him!’
‘No, Alfie.’ She looked exasperated. ‘I don’t mean Robert. I mean your dad.’ Her voice was tired. She sounded exhausted by life today. ‘I remember so many times when everyone would be tearing their hair out or shouting and screaming, and your dad would just be sat there, not fussed at all. Calm as anything. Sometimes we asked him if he had any cares in the world at all. Life was just water off a duck’s back for him.’
Robert wore a mixture of joy and grief on his face. Somehow, they’d landed right in the centre of where Alfie really didn’t want to go today.
‘Mhm. I remember you saying this before.’ Alfie didn’t want to be rude, but he was frantically looking for a way to steer the conversation away from here. Sometimes, if he just sat quietly, they would run out of steam and move on themselves.
‘I remember this one time, we were all going on this stag and th—’
‘Can we not? Please? I just can’t hear it today,’ Alfie snapped, stopping Robert in his tracks.
He couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to look Robert in the eye because he knew what he’d be faced with: deep regret, grief, and longing to educate a boy he loved so dearly about a friend he’d loved just as much.
‘Of course, son, of course. I guess, just today being the anniversary and all, it’s easy to get caught up in reminiscing. But you’re right, we can do that at home.’
Then came the familiar wave of guilt. Alfie didn’t mean to be so sharp with them. It just came so naturally whenever they started doing this.
‘Sorry, I know it’s hard. I just …’
‘No need to be sorry, darling. Let’s talk about something else, shall we?’ His mum patted his hand reassuringly. ‘Have another brownie, it always makes things better.’
‘No, Mum. You always make things better.’
He leant over and kissed her on the cheek. Neither of them managed to stop the tears from welling in their eyes.
*
If there was a world record for the number of cakes eaten in a day, Alfie was sure he would come close to claiming the title with his performance that afternoon. His parents left earlier than usual – he assumed to go and visit the rest of the family – but conveniently forgot to take with them the remaining piles of sweet treats. Sure, it was probably emotional eating, but it felt so good stuffing his face with rich sugary brownies that he couldn’t even pretend to feel bad about it. Sarah and Alice were chatting away as usual, and despite their many attempts to bring him into the conversation, Alfie didn’t feel like talking. He just wanted to sit there, eat and then go to sleep.
‘See you tomorrow,’ Sarah said, as she popped her head around the curtain to say goodbye. ‘It was lovely to meet your parents today. Your mum is a magical baker.’
‘Yeah, she’s pretty special. They both are.’ Alfie looked down at his hands. Why did he still feel so guilty for his behaviour earlier? And why was Sarah looking at him like that?
‘Makes sense that they created someone as special as you then. Night, Alfie.’
And just like that she left.
And just like that, he started to cry.
45
Alice
As hard as she tried, she couldn’t ignore the sounds of him crying next to her. Muffled sobs and gulps of air punctuated the relative silence of the ward. And as much as she wanted to reach out and ask if he was OK, they’d been through enough now for her to know that space was key.