Before I Saw You(67)

At first she couldn’t work out what was worse, his anger or the silence. Hearing the disappointment in his voice was devastating, but it was the edge of repulsion that she couldn’t seem to shake off. He was disgusted by her actions. Well, her lack of. And no matter how many excuses she tried to find, Alice knew that he was justified in his feelings towards her. Knowing that seemed to make it hurt all the more.

Even though she was still hidden away in her cubicle, Alice decided to wait until the evening to try to talk to him again. Being rejected in broad daylight was never a nice feeling, even when you’d tried to make yourself invisible.

‘Alfie?’ Her voice was tentative but definitely audible.

Silence.

‘Alfie, please?’

Nothing.

‘If you don’t want to talk to me I understand, but please at least hear me out.’

She took his silence as a green light.

‘What I did, well, what I didn’t do … it was unforgivable. I didn’t get up. I didn’t get up because I’m stuck in this ridiculous minefield of fear. I wanted to, I really wanted to be there for you, to help, to do something, but I just … I just couldn’t. Do you know how sick that makes me feel? How ashamed I am? I don’t want to live my life as a coward any more, Alfie, I refuse to live my life like this. That’s why I’ve agreed to have another operation. A second surgery to fix my face. I know it doesn’t make up for what I did, and it doesn’t bring Mr Peterson back, but … I want you to know that I’m going to change.’

She waited, straining her ears for any sound of acknowledgement.

‘Alfie, I’m going to be better, I promise.’

She heard him take a breath.

Her heart rose slightly.

She knew he’d still be there, like he’d always promised.

‘Well, good for you.’ His sarcasm coated every word.

Alice felt her heart fall through the floor.

I’m sorry, Alfie. I’m so, so sorry.

*

It turned out living in silence wasn’t that fun any more. Alfie still hadn’t so much as breathed in her direction since Mr Peterson’s death, and in fact the entire ward seemed to have descended into an eerie stillness. The only signs that there was life beyond her curtains were the faint shuffling of feet and nondescript noises of human existence. Grief had made its home here and there was no sign of it leaving. Even Nurse Angles was struggling to find a smile.

‘Morning, Alice. I have some good news.’ There was not one shred of joy in her voice. ‘Mr Warring has confirmed the date of your surgery. You’re scheduled for eight days’ time.’

Wow. That soon?

‘Amazing, thank you so much.’ Alice’s cheeks hurt from her overcompensating smile. ‘I’m also so sorry for your loss. Mr Peterson was a good man and I know how much he meant to you.’

God, you really are trying, aren’t you, Alice?

All she received for her efforts was a tiny nod of acknowledgement, and then Nurse Angles was gone.

Every day Alice thought about trying to make conversation with Alfie, but each time she opened her mouth the sting of rejection closed it tight. There were so many moments when she wanted to cry out or scream, just to get some sort of reaction. Life was definitely less vibrant without him in it. She missed all of his annoying quirks, his jokes, his laugh and his incessant determination. Without him, her days were painfully quiet, and it was a quiet that ironically Alice no longer welcomed.

There had to be a way to make him see how sorry she was. There had to be a way to get through to him.

Then, just like that, a flash of inspiration took hold.

It was time to take on Alfie Mack at his own game.





50


Alfie





He knew she’d been battling with herself all day about whether or not to talk to him. The interesting thing about not being able to see someone was that you became incredibly attuned to the sound of them. Every time she opened her mouth to try to speak, he would stop what he was doing to listen in. Despite the small sparks of enjoyment he relished from her anguish, there was a much bigger part of him that wished they could go back to the way they were, back to the way it was only a few days ago. In the space of a few hours, he’d lost two of the most important people in his life on the ward. Loneliness was not a familiar feeling for Alfie and he was starting to understand how one could die from the pain of it.

Normally Alfie would find the silence unbearable. He supposed that previously he would have been the one lightening the mood, trying to find a way to cheer people up and make them laugh, but not any more. Instead, he ended up spending his day staring blankly at the pages of his puzzle book while trying to push all thoughts of Mr Peterson out of his mind. The only person he would want to talk to about what had happened was exactly the same person who had let him down so deeply. The conflict was too much to bear.

He couldn’t quite believe the relief that washed over him when it was time for his physio appointment. At last! Something to take him away and distract him. When Alfie arrived in the little side lounge, he was in such a daze that it took a moment for him to register the scene before him.

Had he missed something? What was going on?

Standing in the centre of the room was Darren, holding a massive ‘Congratulations’ balloon and wearing an overwhelmingly large smile on his face. Alfie looked behind himself.