Before I Saw You(73)

‘You don’t know the half of it.’

‘Is that so?’

God, if Sarah was here right now she’d be vomiting at their flirtatious exchange. But she wasn’t, and it was making Alice feel all sorts of lovely.

‘Mhmmm. I’m not sure you could handle it.’

‘No, sweetheart, he’d eat you alive.’ A new voice had suddenly joined the conversation and Alice almost fell out of bed with shock.

How much had Nurse Angles heard?

The mortification began crawling over her skin. It felt as though she’d just been caught naked by a stranger.

‘Mother A, are you snooping again?’ Trust Alfie to manage the situation without any sign of embarrassment.

Nurse Angles began to laugh in that deep soulful way of hers. ‘Chance would be a fine thing. I have ears, Alfie, and you’re not as quiet as you might think. Sweet nothings are usually whispered, not barked.’

Arghhh! Her whole body was radiating now. She could feel her face turning a deep red.

‘Someone is bringing the sass today, aren’t they!’

And just like that, he’d sent her off in another direction. Alice had to hand it to him; Alfie was a professional when it came to conversation. The change of subject didn’t, however, ease any of her embarrassment, and she was sure by the time Nurse Angles came to do her morning checks, her cheeks were still shining a strong crimson.

Alfie hadn’t been joking about returning to Harry Potter. In fact, the full schedule he had so carefully created before Sarah had left was reinstated with renewed vigour. During the day, only easy conversation was welcomed – no profound questions, no reminders of the two big upcoming events, and absolutely no talk of feelings. This didn’t stop Alice constantly replaying the words he’d spoken to her that night.

I see you. I see you for who you are, Alice, and it’s the most dazzling thing I have ever seen.

She couldn’t get them out of her head. At first, she would just sit there smiling from ear to ear. Her heart was so full of him it felt like it would burst. Then, the familiar seeds of doubt started to sow themselves into her thoughts.

Does he really mean that, though?

One look at your face and he’d probably take it all back.

Just as she would start to get sucked in by the negativity, she’d reach for Sarah’s message.

He loves you. You know he does.

Did she know? She knew that before this weird and wonderful thing had arrived rather unconsciously in her life, Alice had never been in love. Her dating life wasn’t exactly what you’d call a success before the accident, so how it would fare post-burning didn’t bear thinking about. Sure, she’d had sex. Dated guys for a few weeks. Dated multiple guys for a few weeks. But that was it. No relationships. No commitment. Certainly no love.

The closest she’d ever had was a very convenient arrangement with a man she’d met late one night in her office building. He worked for an investment bank that occupied one of the other floors, and they had caught each other’s eye a number of times in passing. Both were slaves to their jobs but both of them had needs. Twice a week they would meet, spend the night together, and then go about their business fully satisfied and without any urge for contact. Aaron was a forty-three-year-old twice-divorced man who didn’t have the time, energy or heart space left for a relationship. He was extremely attractive, kind and incredibly talented in bed. This situation ran on for a good few months until, it seemed, Aaron found some time, energy and space in his heart for a relationship. It just wasn’t with Alice. After that very amicable ending, Alice never really tried with anyone else. Her lack of dating experience never really bothered her. Sometimes she felt like she did it because it was what she should be doing. It was only recently, when the prospect of being able to meet someone easily if she wanted to was taken away from her, that she resented how flippantly she’d treated it before. Apparently it was OK being lonely, but only when you were lonely by choice.

One thing she knew for sure was just how much was riding on this surgery. A new life. Perhaps even a chance to feel brave enough to meet Alfie at last?

The last part she still couldn’t quite commit to. The thought of him leaving the ward and never speaking to her again made her feel sick to her stomach. Yet, could she really find it in herself to meet this man face-to-face? What if even after the operation she was still a disappointment? What if he left and never looked back? What if she was simply a project for his amusement, to while away the time?

She’d allowed everyone in her life to leave her in the end, and even Sarah was halfway across the world now. She couldn’t take it if Alfie abandoned her too.

*

‘T minus one day, Big Al. How are you feeling?’

‘Really still wishing you wouldn’t call me that hideous name!’

‘Sorry! It’s a bad habit, I know, but stop avoiding the question.’

‘I’m feeling the same things I felt yesterday when you asked me. And they were the same things as the day before that. I’m absolutely positively 100 per cent terrified yet … excited.’

‘The terrified I understand, the excited not so much. And you’re sure you don’t want to try some of my scar cream as a last attempt before the big op?’

A little white tube poked through the curtain.

‘Oh yeah, because I’m not already using that, am I? Plus, that tiny tube would just about cover my arm.’