Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(36)
Chapter 18
I’d been in Afghanistan for nearly five months. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, I would witness something horrendous, leaving me wondering if a God existed, because if there was one, how could such devastation keep taking place? How could innocent families, little children, continue losing their lives?
One night, while I was staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, I began thinking about my old unit and the friends that I missed. I remembered what the sarge had said when he’d given me the journal, and how everything so far had been spot on. The next day, after duty, I sat down outside with a pen and the empty journal, and started writing down some of the events that I’d experienced. Since I wasn’t reading, or responding to any mail that my family was sending, I wanted them to have something, in case I never returned.
July 1st 2011
I’ve avoided writing in this thing until now, mostly because I was afraid of what I’d reveal to myself. My demons are real, and no matter how hard I try to bury them, I know they won’t hide for long. Everything is a reminder of what I lost. Even waking up every morning makes me wish I was back home, right across the hall from the woman I loved. By now she could have reconciled with my brother. It pains me to think about it, but what other choice did she have? They’ve spent years together, planning a future around both of their dreams. With me out of the equation they have plenty of time to get past what happened in the hotel. Knowing my brother he’d take her to Vegas so they could elope without drama.
I want her to be happy. More than anything else, it’s what I need to know. I couldn’t bear to think she’s somewhere alone, wishing she could take back our last moments together. I wondered if she regretted it. Did she feel like she’d ruined her life being with me? Was I her greatest mistake?
“This is stupid.” I said as I shut the journal and prepared to throw it across a field. Something wouldn’t let me though. It was like that little notebook was my only friend. Sure, I had a unit that was with me every day, but I didn’t have the energy to get close to them, not when I knew that we could perish at any moment. This book was my last link to humanity. My sarge had been right all along. I’d need this bit of normalcy if I wanted to survive mentally. It wasn’t like I could get a shrink on the line and have an hour long session. This was as good as it would get because if I walked into the medical center and requested a shrink there’s no telling how they would diagnose me. I already knew I was borderline losing it. Not being afraid of dying was a good sign of that. I certainly wasn’t at peace. In fact, I couldn’t come to grips with one reason that they would find me fit to do my daily routines. I’d withdrawn from socialization, and even from finding the ability to open my correspondence from home. There’s no telling what my parents had written in their letters, so I just assume not read them. I didn’t want to hear about Branch or Kat. I honestly didn’t want to hear about any of them. Anything in those sealed envelopes could trigger more pain for me, and at this point even death wasn’t something I wanted to know about.
I realize that I was being irrational, but to be in my situation one couldn’t begin to grasp what it was like to wake up to random sounds of gunfire or explosions, or even military helicopters landing to either bring in more troops, supplies, or even fly out the dead.
A couple things happened to me in the next several days. I was being transferred to a different unit. At first I thought it was for my lack of group participation. Perhaps someone had complained about my being withdrawn. It wasn’t until I saw him turn around that I knew it was for another reason. Trevor Mullins spread his arms out and welcomed my manly hug. “Did you miss me, pretty boy?”
“What the hell are you doing here?” It had been months since I’d seen him, but in that time he’d changed. His face was scruffy, and his eyes looked tired. “You look like shit.”
“It’s been a hard few months, man. I guess you haven’t heard what happened.” He pulled me to the side, away from all the other soldiers standing around. From the way he hesitated I could tell it was something bad. “They’re gone, Brooks. My girls are gone.”
“Gone? Did you separate?” I thought maybe his wife left him. She hated what he did for a living.
He shook his head and looked down, only coming back up with pools of anguish in his eyes. “First I lost my little girl. She’d been up crying for hours, and neither Amanda nor I could keep our eyes open any longer. We put her in bed with us to soothe her. When we woke up the next morning she was cold.” He turned away and scrunched his face up. I placed my hand on his shoulder, absorbing some of the same pain as it rushed through him. “There was nothing the paramedics could do. She was already too far gone.”
“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to say.
“My little girl died inches away from me and I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. While we selfishly slept she suffered. The doctors said it was SIDS, but who knows for sure. At any point we could have rolled on top of her. I hate thinking about it, but the thought never leaves my mind. It tortures me, man. I missed being there was she was born, only to be so close when she took her last breath.”
“What about Amanda?” He loved his wife, so it made no sense why they weren’t together. He was entitled to bereavement, so they’d obviously been together when it all occurred.