Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(33)

Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I sent my parents my new address for correspondence. None of this was their fault, and I couldn’t allow myself to blame them by making them worry.

I enclosed a letter even though writing it drudged up everything I’d been through since she walked out of my hotel room.



Dear Mom and Dad,

I wanted you to know that I’ve arrived overseas and have settled in the best I’m able to. I owe you both an apology. Never in a million years did I see things playing out the way they have. I didn’t show up at the wedding to ruin everyone’s lives. The truth is that I couldn’t help myself. I had to pursue her because I’ve loved that girl since we were children. She’s everything to me.

I know I made a mess of things. I screwed up and embarrassed you. I ruined my relationship with Branch, but I think you deserve to know why. All this time, all the years since they started dating, he’d been feeding Kat and I lies, keeping us apart. From the age of twelve he told me Kat wasn’t interested. I trusted him.

Apparently he was doing the same to Kat, telling her that I didn’t like her that way. All this time we could have been together, but instead he weaseled his way into her heart, making her feel bad for ever having feelings for me.

I’m not saying that what I did wasn’t wrong. I know right from wrong. Two people went into my hotel room that night, and what happened was mutual. We knew the risks, but took them anyway. I honestly couldn’t stop myself. Once the truth was revealed nothing could have kept me from her. I snapped.

You may never be able to understand what it’s been like for me, watching her with him, year after year, as if I was a punching bag. I’ve got thick skin, but even the toughest person would have broken down at some point. I’ve been trained to replace pain with power, but this doesn’t apply. I’m on a path of destruction because I simply don’t care anymore. Branch ruined my life. He was the reason I had to get away. Joining the military was my way out. I knew it would keep me from coming home and bearing the burden of watching them happy. I punished myself for loving her and attempted to move on with no result. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop loving her, that’s why I know I can’t come home. There’s nothing left there for me except pain. I’ll never regret being able to live under the same roof as my two best friends, but I will hate myself for not going after what I wanted sooner. I could have prevented all of this. We could be sharing our lives together, having children, and waking up to knowing nothing will tear us apart. Instead I’m on the other side of the world, throwing myself into defending my country, because it’s the only thing keeping me going.

I can’t promise that I’ll write back all the time. It’s hard for me to sit down and put my feelings on paper. I’ve already been warned that what I’m about to see over here will haunt me forever. I’m used to living in hell, so I’ve got every reason to believe that I’ll get through it. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I was such a disappointment. I was acting out because I couldn’t have what I wanted. Jealousy took control, forcing my hand to make irrational decisions. At the end of the day I deserve to be here, in the middle of this battle zone. If something happens to me and I don’t return please don’t dwell on my death. Just know I’m no longer in any pain. Nothing will ever hurt me again.

Thank you for bringing me up right and teaching me what love was. As much as it hurts, I don’t regret experiencing it. How I feel about Kat is something special. Not everyone finds their true love so early in life. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t keep her. Maybe I had enough time with her when we were younger. No matter the case, I’m appreciative.

Take care of her and Branch. Help them to make amends. We’ll always be family.



Until next time with love,

Brooks



Before I sent the letter home I needed to take a couple seconds to come to grips with everything I’d expressed. It was as if I was sending away a suicide letter because I knew I wouldn’t keep in touch. My old life was over, and I had no plans of ever returning to it. Branch could consider himself an only child from now on. The damage was irreconcilable.



After I regained enough courage, I placed the pen down to another fresh piece of paper.



Branch,

I’m not writing this to apologize. You don’t deserve that.

All of this could have been avoided had you told us the truth from the beginning. What kind of brother purposely keeps the two people he cares the most about apart? How could you look yourself in the mirror after that? Didn’t you know that one day we’d talk about it? Did you think she’d never tell me?

You can be mad at me forever, I frankly don’t give a damn. You took everything from me. You ruined my life. I hope that helps you sleep at night because I can’t close my eyes for a second without thinking about her. I’m not going to argue about loving her more than you do. It’s obviously the truth, because I’d never lie to her, not even for my own benefit. I love her enough to lose her.

Live with that, Branch. Dwell on the fact that you alone made this happen. I’ll never forgive you for making me believe that she never loved me and taking my future that I could have shared with her and destroying it.

Until you take your last breath I hope you suffer because I know it won’t even compare to the pain that I’ve already endured.