Losing Him (Mitchell Family #8)(18)

I watched him walk to the front door, letting him and Jacob in, before closing it behind them.

Why couldn’t he talk to me about feelings? I hated not knowing what was going to happen, especially since he was the only person that I had left, besides my own son. I needed his support and understanding. I wanted us to be together again.

After a couple minutes, I started getting mad about his actions. He was being supportive, but where had he gotten the idea that sleeping with me was going to be okay? He took it to that level, in my most emotional state ever, with no regard for how it would affect me later on.

I stomped up the stairs and found him sitting on the couch, reading something on his phone. It made me madder that he was sitting in here like he didn’t know that I was upset with him. “Why can’t you talk to me?” I stood over him, demanding an answer.

“What if I said what you didn’t want to hear? Would you still want the damn answers?”

It was going to get ugly. We’d been down this road before. “I just want to know where we stand. What happened this morning? Why’d you come to me? I didn’t ask for that.”

“You weren’t complaining!” He said rudely.

“Of course not. All I want to do is be with you. In fact, you knew I wouldn’t be able to say no, so you took advantage of me, didn’t you? You just wanted to f*ck me and walk away again, like you always do. I’m not a damn punching bag, Jess. I have feelings. Right now my heart is so broken. Being with you made it all go away, even if it was temporary.” I stood there, in front of him, waiting for him to respond to me.

He put his hands over his face while he thought about what to say. “Heather, can we just sleep on it and talk tomorrow? I’m tired and I’m really biting my tongue so I don’t hurt your feelings.”

“It was a simple question. I didn’t ask you to marry me. All I wanted was to hear you say those words.” That stinging in my eyes was happening again and I was fighting to hold back the tears. He couldn’t see me getting emotional over his actions.

Jesse stood up and got in my face. He ran his hand over my cheek and kept it there. “I f*cked you in the shower because I was horny. As far as my feelings, right now, I just feel sorry for you. Consider it a pity f*ck.” He walked away from me, leaving me there alone in the living room.

I fell to my knees, burying my face into my hands. He could probably hear me, but he never came back out. Jessie had said worse things than that, but he always knew when it would get to me the most. I got that he thought I didn’t deserve his love, but he had a terrible way of speaking to me. He was still so angry, after all this time, and I guess that being there, around the people that were affected, was too much for him. He probably felt embarrassed that he was ever with such a monster.

I wondered if I would ever be able to break free of my past. Even starting over with someone new would require me to tell the truth. I knew that was what Jessie was so angry about. He wanted to hear what I’d done that was so bad. All he knew was about the sex parts. He didn’t know the real story about what I’d done to Ty. He had no idea that I’d drugged him and taken pictures to make his wife leave him. He didn’t know that my actions almost killed her and her twins.

I cried harder, knowing that I will never going to be able to move forward unless I came clean. Like it or not, I was going to have to be honest. I shook my head, knowing the inevitable was going to have to happen. With nothing else to lose, I stood up and starting walking down the hall to find where Jessie had gone.

He was tucking Jacob in. I leaned against the doorframe, trying to keep my tears at bay. When he looked up and noticed me standing there, I could see the content in his eyes. He didn’t want to hash things out again.

“I’m ready to tell you everything, Jess.”

His one eyebrow cocked up. Jessie leaned down and kissed Jacob goodnight, then stood up and started walking toward me. He followed me back into the kitchen, where our fight had begun. He face was unreadable as he sat down and folded his hands. “You told me all this before and then I found out from my sister that it wasn’t the truth. What makes this time different?”

I looked up at him. “I’m tired of fighting about it. If you’re going to leave me and walk away from this, at least I will know it was because you couldn’t handle the truth, instead of you not being able to handle not knowing it.”

“Heather, you do realize that if it’s that bad, I may not be able to get past it?”

I nodded and started tearing up again. “Yeah, I know. I already feel like I’ve lost you, so telling you seems like the right thing to do. At least you can walk away with the truth.”

“For what it’s worth, I appreciate you being honest with me. No matter what happens, I did love you, Heather. I just can’t deal with the bullshit.”

“I know,” I said sadly. “I’m used to being hated. If I were in your shoes, I’d hate me too.” I paused for a moment and looked up into those blue eyes. “Can you just promise me that you’ll keep it from Jacob? He doesn’t need to know the person I used to be. I’m his mother; I’d die before I’d let anything happen to him. Please don’t tell him.”

He reached over and touched my hand. “You know I’d never do that. I know you love our son. I won’t tell him, alright?”