Losing Him (Mitchell Family #8)(19)

I smiled, but it wasn’t because I was happy. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest, while my body shook in fear. This wasn’t exactly easy for me. I’d never come out and admitted what I’d done to someone. In fact, I’d always thought that I could get away with never talking about it again. People didn’t understand how much it hurt me to look at my own child and remember the time when I almost killed two, out of stupidity. They didn’t see that every time I looked at Jacob when he was born, I thought about those little twins hanging onto life. They didn’t know that I feared losing my child every single day of my pregnancy, because I didn’t deserve to be a mother. They didn’t know that I’d considered giving my baby up for adoption because I didn’t think I could take care of someone else, when I couldn’t even manage to be responsible myself.

Jessie was the reason that everything changed. When he came back and told me that he wanted to be a part of our child’s life, the fear and pain went away. Now, imagining being without him forever was ripping me apart.

“You already know most of it.”

“Heather, tell me. I want to know that deep dark secret that you haven’t told anyone. I want to know what you did. Why does Tyler and his wife hate you so much? Why are you so surprised that Van and Amy showed up today? What the hell are you hiding from me?”

My lip quivered as I cried in fear of seeing him walk out my door. I suppose that it could have been worse; I could have been a real murderer. This was going to be bad enough. I knew Jessie and this wasn’t going to fly. I should have never agreed to tell him. I’d rather him walk away not knowing. I had to change my story. I had to keep the awful truth locked away if I had any hope of us being a family again.

Chapter 10


Jessie


She was stalling. I could tell that I wasn’t going to like what she was about to tell me, but I’d known that when I found out she’d been keeping something big from me.

I realize that people can change, but it’s the fact that she kept it from me for so long. I’d begged her to come clean, to trust in me; to trust in us, but she refused. Her inability to reveal her big secret made me feel like she probably kept other things from me too.

I knew Heather had a hard life. She’d pretty much mistaken sex as love for years. I’ll never forget our first night together. She trembled at my touch, because for the first time, she was with someone that genuinely cared for her. It wasn’t her looks that first attracted me to Heather. I guess I liked that she was broken and running. I wanted to take care of her and make her see that she could feel safe with me. I wanted to protect her, and even have a future together.

Had it not been for the truth coming out, I think we’d still be together, raising our son in a loving environment. Instead, we spent most of our time arguing and avoiding the obvious. We were a broken family. I got that part of it was on me, not being able to move on. I’d been betrayed by someone that I thought I could trust.

It wasn’t just her knowing Rick. It was so much more. She’d come to my town for dirt on him, not to seduce me. I got that. Still, what happened between us never would have happened had I known the truth. I could have sent her on her way and never looked back.

Her web of lies forced me to be in a relationship with her. I couldn’t walk away because we had a child. Now, after all this time, I was done trying to make it work. I wanted the truth or I was gone. Jacob would be fine. We lived close enough that we could share custody, if I decided to take that route.

Heather was crying, but after she poured a glass of wine, she sat back down and looked right at me. I watched her fingers rolling around the top of her glass as she thought about what to say to me first. “Jessie, if I tell you this, I know it isn’t going to make you stay with me. I know you and you are going to hate me, more than you do already. I just wanted to forget about it myself. It wasn’t just because I didn’t want you to know. What I did hurts to admit. I still can’t forgive myself for it. I can’t get past it.”

She cried even more, leaving me waiting for this big reveal. I was done feeling sorry for her. “Just tell me. Don’t you trust me?”

She nodded. “I’ve always trusted you. You’re a good man. You live by strict morals and I admire that about you, so much. That’s one of the reasons that I fell in love with you. You’re the best man I’ve ever known. You see the good in people and appreciate them for their flaws.”

“That’s because they’re honest, which is something you’ve never been. Don’t you get that? I’ve given you the benefit of doubt. I’ve stayed and tried to work things out, even after I found out why you showed up at my door. I protected you, shared my life with you, but you had more secrets. How am I supposed to be with you, Heather? You’re full of lies and secrets. Who would have the patience for that shit?”

She shook her head. “Nobody. I know it’s my fault, okay?”

“Just get this over with. I’ve waited all these years. Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

“Yes.” She looked down and then back up at me. “Can you just tell me one last time? I just want to hear you say the words, even if you don’t mean them. I know you don’t want to, but I just need to hear them.”

I knew what she wanted to hear. I looked right into her blue eyes. “I can’t.”