Say You Love Me(56)

It's hard not feeling enough. It's hard feeling that there is something lacking in you. Knowing there is something you will never ever have. Something that you see everyone else has but you. I just don't understand. Why not me? I don't understand what's wrong with me? What can I change? What can I do? What can I feel? What can I say? Can I be skinnier? How can I be prettier? How can I be more desirable? How can I get smarter? What can I do? If only I knew. If only I knew. If I only I knew why Cody didn’t love me. If only I knew why he didn’t care. Why he didn’t understand. Why he didn’t want to be with me. But I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I could love him so much and he could be so oblivious. I could spend my life trying to figure it out and yet, I would never understand. There’s a voice in my head that screams and shouts at me. A voice that wonders why I can’t just seem to let it go. It’s a voice that hates me being me. It hates me feeling like this. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality. Sometimes I wonder if I have serious mental issues. Any sane person, any normal person would have moved on by now. They would have gotten the memo. I got the memo, several times, and ripped it to pieces. I deserve the heartache I feel. I deserve not feeling good enough. I deserve it for constantly putting myself in this position. And though I deserve it, it doesn’t stop me from shedding tears for myself. It doesn’t stop it from hurting. If only I could figure out a way to stop the hurt and pain.



* * *



“I can’t breathe.” I whispered over the phone to Mila as soon as she answered. I was sobbing, but trying to mask my voice, so I was talking as low as possible.

“What?” She said loudly. “Are you sick?”

“No, maybe. I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face and I took a deep breath. “I just can’t breathe.”

“What’s going on, Sally?” Mila sounded worried and I could hear her yawning.

“Sorry for waking you up.” I said, feeling guilty. “Cody left me some messages. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“You can wake me up at anytime. You know that.” Her voice was loud again and I could hear TJ in the background mumbling something. “It’s Sally.” She whispered and I smiled as I heard her saying something to him, telling him to go back to sleep. “Hold on, Sally.”

“Okay.” I said and lay back in the bed, and closed my eyes. My heart felt heavy and I clutched the phone next to my ear as I pulled the covers up over my head. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I just wanted to never wake up again. I knew I shouldn’t feel so morbid, that my situation wasn’t the end of the world, but I just couldn’t stop from feeling sorry for myself.

“I’m back.” She said, her voice softer now. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t stop thinking about Cody.” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.

“Did something happen?” Mila sounded worried. “Did he say something stupid?”

“No, yes, no.” I sighed. “He left me a voicemail.”

“Hurtful?”

“No, it was really nice. It wasn’t anything, but it meant everything to me. He sounded really sincere.” My voice cracked.

“Oh? Is that a bad thing?”

“He’s always on my mind, Mila. When I heard his voicemail, I felt so happy. I felt on top of the world. I literally went from feeling despondent and down to flying. It’s not right that he should control my emotions this way. I’m just a nut job.” I groaned. “Why does he make me feel this way?”

“Because you love him.” She said softly and I groaned. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know how hard this is for you?”

“How can I stop loving him? I need to stop loving him. This is too hard. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Mila. I can’t keep loving him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to call him back? What’s the point, nothing ever changes. I’m always just chasing butterflies into the sky.”

“I don’t know.” She said softly. “I’m so sorry.”

“I think I need to cut him out of my life.” I said, as much to myself as to her. “I need to just forget him completely.”

“How are you going to do that?” She said, her words coming slowly. “He’s my brother.”

“I know.” I said and I could feel my heart racing again. Only this time, it was with anxiety. “I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t healthy for me.”

“So what about events that I have and invite you both to?”

“I won’t be able to go. I’m sorry, Mila, but I need to do this for me. You just don’t understand. I love him so much and I just can’t seem to give him up and I just can’t do this anymore.”

“Is this because of Luke?”

“Luke?” I sighed. “I don’t know. But no, not really. Yes, I like Luke. I think he’s handsome and really fun and for some reason he really likes me. And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can be loved, but I also know that this isn’t our time. I can’t give him all of me and that’s not fair to him. I can’t do that to him just so I can get over Cody. It wouldn’t be fair.”