Say You Love Me(57)

“Have you spoken to him?”

“No, I’m going to have lunch with him tomorrow. He deserves to know what’s going on and I want to be as honest with him as I can. Maybe in the future we can see if we have a chance, but right now I need to focus on me and healing my heart. I need to focus on my life and being emotionally healthy. I need to purge Cody from my system. I’m done with this.”

"So you've given up?" Mila’s voice sounded sadder than I’d ever heard it before, her tone showcasing the hurt in my heart.

"If you want to call it that." I sighed, not wanting her to make me feel worse about my decision.

"You don't love Cody anymore?"

"I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I mean yes I love him. I’ll always love him, but I don’t want to be in love with him. I want to completely forget him. I want to forget I ever met him. I would to rid him from my mind completely." I shook my head, though that wasn't completely honest. In my heart of hearts I knew. "Being around Luke has really made me realize how much Cody just isn’t into me. Luke is a good guy." I said, my voice suddenly getting loud. "He's a really good guy. And I like him and he likes me. And he makes me laugh. And he thinks I'm pretty. And he likes being with me. And he asks me on dates. And he texts me. And... ." My voice trailed off as I heard Mila breathing into the phone. "I need someone that wants me, Mila. I need someone that can love me. And I've thought about it. I've wondered if I'm being bad to Luke by dating him knowing I still have feelings for Cody, and that’s what I’m ending it with him. And I really like Luke. When I'm with him, I don't think of Cody. Well, not really. Only sometimes. And most of the time I'm okay. Sometimes I even think I could fall for Luke. Sometimes I even think I could love him. Not like I love Cody, at least that’s how I feel now. And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I’m never going to find love. You ask me if I still love Cody like it’s that easy. Like that makes my decision easier. The problem is because I love Cody so much. The problem is that he’s my entire world and I’m nothing to him."

"We won't be sisters." Mila said softly.

"We were never going to be sisters." I sighed, tears wanting to well up in my eyes. "Cody doesn't care for me like that. I don't know what his game is. I don't know why he acts jealous and pretends like he cares, but never does anything. I don't know and I don't care anymore. My heart can't take it anymore. I've lost a piece of myself, Mila. I can't explain it, but a piece of my soul has died. A piece of me is forever gone and the more I hope, the more I love, the more I wait, the more I feel myself fading into oblivion, not caring, not dreaming, not wondering, not living."

"You should talk to Cody. Call him back and see what he has to say."

"And tell him what?" I sighed. "It's not his problem. You can't blame someone for not loving you. I don’t need to have another conversation with him. I’m sure he feels bad. I’m sure he wishes that he could love me. I know he cares about me. I know he wants me in his life, but I want more than sex. I want more than a good friend. I want a man that would die for me. I want a man that feels my pain. I want a man that can feel my heart. I want a man that loves me so much that he can’t go a day without seeing or talking to me. I want a man that adores me so much that he thinks the sun rises and sets with me. I want a man who thinks about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I want a man that would take my last breath for me. I don’t want a man that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m the walking dead, Mila. I feel like I can’t even go on another day like this."

"I wish I could slap him." Mila mumbled and I could hear tears falling from her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" I asked her softly, feeling myself wanting to cry as well.

"Because you're in so much pain and I can feel it." She sobbed and I could hear the tears running faster now. "I don't want to lose you, Sally. And I don't want you to lose yourself either. I feel like my brother has changed you, torn you down, and now you're trembling like a flower in a brisk wind."

"Oh Mila." I grabbed my phone tightly. "I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to be strong now, Sally." Mila’s voice became strong. "You can cry. You can cry and sob and hug me tight any day of the week. I'm here for you. I love you. You're my best friend. You're my soul mate. I will always be here for you."

"Oh Mila." I started crying. "I wish you were here right now. You don't even know how I feel right now." My tears started falling like raindrops in a thunderstorm, heavy and dark and I could feel my nose running as well. I could hear Mila crying and then I started crying even harder. It was like I could finally let it all out. All the pain and hurt and confusion. All the dreams and hopes. I was letting them all go. And perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. It was easy to hope that things would change. It hurt, but there was always a beckoning light at the end of the tunnel, but now, now there was nothing. Giving up all hope and letting go of Cody was the end. It was the end of every childish dream I’d ever had about the two of us. It was the end of my one true love fantasy. It was the end of my lifelong quest to end up with my soul mate. Cody and I were never going to be. We were never going to get married and sing songs to our children. He was never going to wake me up in the morning gazing adoringly in my eyes and whispering he loved me. We were never going to grow old together and tell each other stories about our joint past. We were never going to anything. There was never going to be an us. That killed me. Knowing that made me die a million deaths, but inside I could also feel a little flower blooming. A flower that was ready to bloom under another sun. A flower that was ready for some happiness and no more pain. A flower that was ready for the dawn of a new day.