Say You Love Me(58)

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“Why won’t you talk to me, Sally?” Cody stood on my doorstep and I felt like I wanted to pass out. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re not answering my calls. My emails. I sent you some messages on Facebook. I texted you.” His eyes searched mine. “You haven’t responded to anything.”

“What do you care?” I said bitterly. “It’s not like you always respond. I just didn’t get around to it yet.”

“You always respond.” He said, his face unsure and red. “You don’t ignore me.”

“What do you want, Cody?” I stood at the door, just waiting for him to leave. I didn’t want to talk to him. Just seeing him was breaking my heart. I didn’t want to deal with this.

“Can I come in?”

“Why?” I took a deep breath. “I just don’t have much time right now.”

“I thought we were friends.” He said softly.

“Yeah, we are.” I nodded.

“Once you called me your best friend.” He said with a small smile. “Remember?”

“We all say things we don’t mean.” I shrugged.

“You’re one of my best friends.” He said softly. “You know that right?”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. What did it even matter anymore? What did anything matter? I felt too numb inside. Too heartbroken. Too empty. I hate you was all I could think as I stared at him. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for making me having so much self-doubt. I hate you for me not being able to let go. I hate you for not letting go of me when you knew you didn’t love me. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

“So how have you been?” He asked me, his face somber as we stood there in awkward silence.

“Good, you?” I gave him a half-hearted smile, not wanting him to know how uncomfortable I felt inside. Not wanting him to know that he had made me lose a part of myself and that I’d been awful, while trying to pretend, even to myself, that I was doing well.

“Not great.” He said, his face looking sad. “But better now that I’m getting to see you.”

“Okay.” I nodded. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Everything.” He shrugged. “I just want to feel better about this situation.”

“I’m not here to make you feel better about yourself, Cody. I’m sorry, but I’ve done that too much already. The only times you’ve really come to me haven’t been about me. They’ve been because you, you were feeling down and out and you needed me to make you feel better about yourself.”

“That’s not true.” He looked at me with a hurt expression. “I care a lot about you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know that. You care oh so much about me.” I rolled my eyes. “I get it, Cody. Look, I know we’re friends, but I also know that I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” His voice rose. “Do we have to get into an argument already? I really hoped we could just talk everything out.”

“Sure, let’s talk it out.” I said with a sigh. What really was there left to talk about?

“What should we talk about?” He asked looking at me with an alert expression that made me want to scream and shout.

"Cody, you called me. You wanted to meet up with me, so if you want to talk, you need to start the conversation." I was not going to make this easy for him. I was over it. Really and truly over it.

"I'm trying to, can you stop being so difficult, please?"

"I'm not being difficult." I groaned, not sure if I was going to be able to do this with him.

"Okay." He said simply as he pursed his lips. "If you say so."

"I do say so." I said, not able to stop a small smile from crossing my face. He looked back at me and smiled back as well. I felt my heart skipping a beat as we both smiled at each other, for a second everything was all right I'm out world again.

“I miss you.” He started again and gave me another small smile. “I miss talking to you. I miss getting your texts. I miss you telling me off for not texting. I miss you dreaming of me. I miss you telling me about your dreams. I miss you wanting to hang out. I miss your random messages. I miss you being there in small ways.”

“I annoyed you.” I said, not wanting to think anything positive. Not wanting to believe that he really missed me in any way important.

“That’s what I said. How I acted.” He sighed, his eyes bleak. “I know that. I know I hurt you. I know I made you think I didn’t care. I know that I haven’t been the friend you needed. I’m so sorry for so many things.”

“It’s fine. I forgive you.”

“Please, can I come in?” He pursed his lips. “Can we have this conversation in your living room as opposed to at your front door?”

“Fine.” I sighed then, and opened the door wider. “Come in.”

“Thanks.” He stepped into the doorway and paused as I closed the door. “You look really pretty today.”

“Thanks.” I said, not looking at him. I didn’t want to look into his eyes; I didn’t want to see his handsome face. I didn’t want my heart to skip the beats it always did when he was around. I didn’t want to be so affected by him, every damn time I saw him