Say You Love Me(55)

“Anything else?” I said, processing what she’d said to me in shock.

“Yeah, figure it out soon.” She snapped. “Get it together, Cody, please just get it together.” And then I heard the phone slamming down. I dropped my phone onto my couch and sat back and tried to think about everything had just said to me. She’d been harsh, but maybe she’d also been partially right? Was I being selfish? And if I was, what did that mean? Where did I go from here? What did I want? What did Sally want? And would I ever be able to figure it out?



* * *



Three days, that was how long it took me to call her. I thought that maybe she’d call me or text me to apologize, but of course she didn’t. I wasn’t even really sure why I thought she would. It wasn’t like she seemed to even care about me anymore. I missed the days when she would text me randomly throughout the day. I’d grown so accustomed to her random texts that I hadn’t realized how much they meant to me, until now. And now that they’d stopped, I would have given anything to just get one. At least then I knew she was thinking about me. If even, for just a few seconds. She crossed my mind every moment of the day and I had no idea if she even thought of me at all.

The first time I called, it rang three times and went to voicemail. I wasn’t sure if that meant that it had just gone to voicemail by itself or if she had sent me to voicemail. I was hoping it was the former, so I ended up calling her her a second time just a few minutes later. Maybe her phone hadn’t rung or maybe it had been off. Maybe she’d even been trying to call me at the same time. This time the phone rang two times and went to voicemail and I frowned. Either her phone wasn’t working properly or she was sending me to voicemail. I’d call her one last time and then I’d leave a voicemail. The third time I rang, it didn’t even ring once. It went straight to voicemail. I gripped the phone and hung up angrily. Had she turned her phone off or was her phone broken? I knew it was highly unlikely that her phone was broken, but I wasn’t sure why she would turn her phone off. Were my calls really that annoying? I looked down at the phone and called her again a fourth time. Once again, it went straight to voicemail. I hung up. And called again. Voicemail. I dropped the phone on the couch, walked to the kitchen, grabbed some water and took a few deep breaths and walked back to my phone. I grabbed my phone, looked at the screen to see if I had any missed calls or missed text messages and sighed when I saw none. I pressed redial on her number and frowned as it went straight to voicemail again.

“Sally, it’s me Cody. Call me back. We need to talk.” I said and then hung up. I groaned as I hung up. My voice had sounded accusatory and my message had been too short. If she listened to this message she was unlikely to call me back. So I decided to call her back and leave one more message. It might make me look like a psycho, but it was better than me looking like a jerk. I called back one more time and this time the phone rang. My heart stilled as I waited to see if she was going to pick up the phone. My heart fell pretty quickly as it went to voicemail again. I cleared my throat and started to leave my new message.

“Hi Sally, it’s me Cody. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry about the other day. I’m sorry we got so angry at each other. I’d really like to talk to you to see if we can figure this out. Please call me back. I’d love to see you as soon as possible. I miss you.” I pressed the pound sign this time instead of hanging up so that I could listen again to the message to see how it sounded and if I wanted to change it before submitting it to her ears. I figured I sounded like a bit of a *, but sincere enough, so I left it as well and accepted the message. All I had to do was wait now. Wait for her to call me back. Wait for her to tell me that she was willing to see me. Wait for her to tell me exactly what she wanted. I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping that I didn’t have to wait too long.





Chapter 18





Sally



There's a feeling at the end, when you know it's the end. It's a feeling of despair, of hurt, of knowing that there's nothing you can do to change your fate. It's the feeling of knowing that you will never be enough. Knowing that no part of you will ever be enough and it's heartbreaking. It makes you wonder, "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I not lovable?" "Why am I not enough?" It's the moment that makes you want to not be alive. It's the moment when you give up all hope. It's the moment you know you will never be pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, rich enough. It's the moment that you doubt everything you ever believed. Sometimes I wonder how I got to such a low spot. It's the moment I wondered why me? It's the moment I just wanted to fade into oblivion. We grow up believing that one day our fairy tale will come true, but what if that's never the case? What if we're destined to be alone? What if we're not lovable? What if there is something wrong with us? Even though we try to be the best person we can be. What if, above everything else, we are just never destined to find love or have happiness? Life should mean more than having a partner. It should mean more than loving and being loved. But what if that's all you ever wanted? What if all you ever wanted was for someone to look at you with adoration in their eyes? What if you all you ever wanted was to feel that someone understood you? Cared about you? Loved you? What if all you ever wanted was to be enough?