Say You Love Me(51)

“No.” I mumbled, annoyed. Could he only think about sex? Was this always just going to be a booty-call? Wasn’t I worth more than that? Didn’t I deserve more than that? I loved him, but I valued myself more than what he was offering. I thought about Luke and how sweet he was. I thought about his text message. How sincere he sounded, how he really wanted to get to know me. How he could possibly offer me what I really wanted. And ultimately that was what it was all about. It was about being with someone who could give me what I wanted. Love me in the way I wanted and deserved to be loved. I was fed up of the heartache. Love wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard. I didn’t want to be living on the edge of uncertainty forever.

“Sally, you okay?” Cody collapsed on the bed next to me and I could tell from his voice that he was feeling unsure of himself.

“I’m fine, why?” I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was staring at my face and his eyes were narrowed as he gazed at me. “What’s up?”

“What’s up with you?” He asked me with a slight frown. “You’re acting different.”

“What do you mean?” I blinked at him, pretending I didn’t understand what he was talking about.

“I mean, you can barely look me in the eyes right now.” He reached over and touched my lips. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just tired. I can barely keep my eyes open right now.” I blinked again and yawned widely. “It’s nothing personal.”

“Are you still mad at me? Is this what it’s all about?” He sighed.

“I’m not mad at you.” I shook my head and reached over and touched his face, wanting so badly to tell him that I loved him, wanting so badly for him to know that all I wanted was to lay in his arms forever. I just wanted to be with him and hold him close. When I was around him I was no longer myself. I hated and loved the power he had over me.

“Why does it feel like you’re mad at me then?” He said as his hand grabbed mine and he brought my fingers to his lips for a kiss.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You tell me.”

“Sally, I don’t know what’s going. I just know how I feel in this moment. I know that something doesn’t feel right. I know that you’re not acting how you normally act. I know that something seems off.”

“Wow you know a lot.” I answered with a small smile, trying to joke. “When did you get so smart?”

“We have a connection, Sally. I don’t understand it and I’ve never been so attuned so someone else before, but I know that something isn’t right.” He sighed. “But fine, you don’t have to tell me.”

“What connection do you think we have?” I asked softly, wanting him to continue. Maybe if he, if we, could talk this out, somehow we’d get to a place that felt better.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe because we’ve known each other for so long and because we’re better friends now and now we’re lovers, maybe I can just understand you better now. Maybe I can read your cues better now that you’re in my life more. I don’t really know why or how. Does it really matter?”

“I guess not.” I sighed. “Why should it matter right? Why does any of it matter? It’s just nothing. It’s all just nothing.”

“What is that supposed to mean? It’s just nothing?” He gave a deep sigh. “Why do I feel like we’re fighting and I don’t even know why.”

“If you don’t know why, then it doesn’t matter, right?” I pulled my hand away from his and sat up quickly. “I just can’t do this anymore, Cody. I just don’t have the strength to go back and forth with you all of the time.”

“Go back and forth about what?” He sat up as well and his voice was angry. “What the hell is going on, Sally? I thought we were in a good place? I thought everything was okay? Shit, we just made love five times.”

“It always comes back to sex for you, doesn’t it?” I put my hands in my face. “I want more than that.”

“What?” He jumped off of the bed and looked at me. “What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean it always comes back to sex for us? When has our relationship ever just been about sex?”

“What relationship?” I said and jumped up out of bed. “Do we have a relationship? Do we have anything?”

“What do you mean do we have a relationship?” He frowned. “Of course we do.”

“What’s our relationship then?” I heard the words out loud and my whole body froze. I couldn’t believe that I was having this conversation here and now. I couldn’t believe that I was going for it. I knew that I sounded crazy, like some sort of stalker-obsessed person, but I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep hoping and praying and falling back into this trap. He either wanted me or he didn’t. I couldn’t keep giving my body to him. I couldn’t keep letting my heart have this hope and want. It wasn’t fair and I knew that every time it didn’t go well, I was losing a part of myself. My soul was splintered and I didn’t want to live this way any more. My life and his love weren’t worth all of this.

“I didn’t know we had a defined relationship.” He said slowly, his face going red. “We’ve never discussed anything like that.”