Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(54)

Arys paced into the living room where he took a moment to absorb everything I’d said. The atmosphere was heavy with despair. “But why him, Alexa? Why go to him? He’s a f*cking lunatic, and all he’s done is teach you how to be one too.” Arys’s eyes flashed with hatred, and he clenched a fist as if imagining what he’d like to do to Kale.

“That’s why he’s leaving,” I snapped. “He knows that we bring out the worst in each other. But that first morning when I ran to the graveyard and waited for sunrise to free me from this hell, he was the one who made me believe I could handle it. He was the one who saved me that day. So you’d better find it in you to accept that, without him, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

Making a frustrated noise, I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. When had everything gotten so complicated?

After a few minutes Arys approached me. He dropped to his knees before me and pulled my hands away so he could look at my face. Arys never wasted words. So instead of trying to console me with empty promises or false comforts, he simply pulled me into his arms.

The stubborn side of me wanted to resist, but every part of me that was his crumbled in relief. I sank down to the floor beside him, letting him pull me in against his chest. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. Every time I thought I had it all figured out, I was forced to realize how very wrong I was.

Arys never said a word. He just held me. Something inside me that had been broken felt renewed. But it was like a shattered vase glued back together, fixed but not whole. These jagged tears might always be with us.

“I thought I would wait forever for you,” Arys said after much time had passed. “That hasn’t changed. I will do anything for you. I’m sorry that it also means doing things I shouldn’t.”

I shook my head and choked on a sob but said nothing. I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come, probably best that they didn’t. So I squeezed my eyes shut tight and held on to him, wishing that it was enough.

When I didn’t speak, he pressed on, seeking to say everything before he lost the chance. “Alexa, you need to let me guide you through this. I can help you. Shaz can help you. If you would just let us in, we can help you through this transition without losing what’s left of your sanity. I don’t want you to turn out like me. You’re too good for that.”

I pulled back to look at him through blurry, bloody eyes. “Shaz? Do you know how hard it is to look at him and not see him as a toy that I want to play with? I can’t feed from him, Arys. Not anymore.”

“Of course I know how hard it is. I’ve looked at you both the same way for the last year, but I have control, and you will too. But you have to start mastering it now, or you never will.” He stroked a hand through my hair, twisting it around his finger like he so often did. “You can’t keep shutting Shaz out. It’s confusing and unfair to him. He loves you.”

I searched his deep-blue eyes, wondering at what point he’d gone from merely tolerating Shaz to liking him. It wasn’t a bad thing, though it was confusing. “Shaz won’t find the happiness he deserves with me, and you know it,” I said. “He should be with someone who can give him what he needs. Someone who still has a mortal heartbeat.”

Arys cocked his head and gave me a stubborn, thin-lipped smile. “Why don’t you let him make that decision for himself? Isn’t that the same thing you’re asking for?”

Spending several lifetimes with Arys was going to get old fast if he didn’t stop being right at some point. I wanted to frown but found myself smiling just a little.

“What’s with you two anyway?” I asked, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder. “When did you guys go from throwing punches and snark to a full on bromance?”

“Bromance?” Arys scoffed. “Trust me. I took a few punches over the last week when I wouldn’t let Shaz go and drag you out of Sinclair’s house. But something did change for us this week. For once we were on the same side, both hurting in the same way for the same woman. It did something to us, something good I think. I guess we’ll see.”

A warmth filled me. It genuinely moved me to hear that they were bonding. It meant that no matter what happened to me, I could count on them to take care of each other. A heavy sense of relief accompanied that knowledge.

I touched Arys’s face, and he leaned into it, kissing my hand. There had been a time when he’d been cast in the role of the bad guy. Both Kylarai and Shaz had disliked and mistrusted him. That hadn’t been fair. Arys was far from perfect, but he was a good man underneath it all. I was starting to feel like I didn’t deserve to be part of someone so steadfast and strong.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” It was all I could muster before tears threatened again. Cursed emotions. “I’m starting to think it’s always going to be this way. Endless conflict until it finally destroys us. I’d hoped that would change after we stopped Shya. But I feel now like it only made things worse.”

Arys cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. Then against my lips he whispered, “We are not Lilah and Salem. Conflict may be part of our union, but it will not destroy us. It can only do that if we let it. And I’m not going down that way. Ok?”

I nodded as more tears spilled from my eyes. Arys brushed them away, doing little more than smearing blood across my face, but the gesture was heartfelt.