Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(56)

“You’ll be good for that city, Kale. I’m sure of it. Our loss will be their gain.” I moved through the house, ensuring the blinds were closed and drapes were drawn.

He chuckled, a self-deprecating laugh. “I sure hope so. It’s not like I’ve done much of value here.”

We both fell silent. I returned to the living room feeling restless and scatterbrained. “I’m taking Jez on a hunt tomorrow. Want to come along and watch our backs? For old times sake?”

“You know I do.”

Perhaps it wasn’t the best plan to bring Kale along. We used to make a great team, and this could be our last big hurrah. And I was certain that, if I didn’t need it, then Jez surely did.

After we hung up I called Jez to make arrangements for her to join me while I scouted out the address Brinley had given me. If I didn’t do something good soon, the dark was going to swallow me whole. The light in me might never resurface again.

Because curiosity often coaxed me to do things I knew I shouldn’t do, I crept over to the living room window and peeled back the drapes to allow one small shard of light to peek through. Standing carefully in the shadows, I reached out to touch that beam with a hand.

The pain was immediate, scorching, like scalding water poured on flesh. It burned like a fire had been lit beneath my skin. My hand turned red and blistered before bursting into flames.

I jerked it back out of the light and ran to the sink to rinse it in cool water. That had been stupid, but part of me had needed some kind of confirmation that I would never again be able to walk in the sun.

What hurt the most wasn’t the burn that had already begun to heal. It was the ugliness of reality: the harsh truth that my darkness had grown and the certainty that it wouldn’t stop until it had devoured me whole.

Chapter Fifteen

I didn’t sleep. After cleaning the expired food out of the fridge and doing some light tidying around the house, I tried to sleep. I took a shower and got into bed. Then I lay there and stared at the ceiling.

Sleep eluded me. This was no great puzzle. I wanted to avoid the dreams, avoid waking, screaming and alone. Misery grabbed hold of me, and I lay there feeling like shit. The emotional turmoil took me into places of absolute ridiculousness that left me feeling annoyed with myself.

The last time I’d been in my bed, Arys and Shaz had been with me. They could be now too. Only my insistence kept them away. And the man I was missing was going to leave me in less than forty-eight hours.

I didn’t deserve any of them, but I wanted all of them, each in a different way. Arys made me strong even as he made me weak. He was my rock. Shaz kept me grounded, reminding me of who I was underneath all of the power and chaos. He was my anchor. Kale was the one who shared my pain, my need for solace in all the wrong places. He was my kryptonite.

There had been a time when I thought it was wrong to love more than one man. Maybe it was. Now I just didn’t care. And yet, I wished I could have them all just as badly as I wished I could set them all free and walk alone. It wasn’t going to go down either way. It wasn’t meant to.

Finally I accepted that staring at the ceiling was a shitty way to spend the day. I went back downstairs to the living room and watched horrible daytime TV while surfing the net. It was mind numbing, boring. By sunset, I was going nuts.

When the last of the sun’s glow had started to fade, I ventured over to the blinds and peeked out at the backyard. I felt a tightening in my gut as my wolf tensed, begging for release. The forest beyond the yard called to me. I could feel it in my bones. Deeper even. In my soul.

Fear turned me away. No werewolf had ever become a vampire and managed to retain their wolf. Kale was just one example of that. Thanks to a dear friend with some witchy know-how, I still had mine. But the fear kept me from shifting. I was terrified that it wouldn’t work or that perhaps I would be stuck in wolf form, unable to turn back.

Resisting the shift for too long could be dangerous, both to myself and to Arys, who had no way to calm the echo of my wolf prowling around inside him. Too much time had passed already. I couldn’t put it off much longer.

I ignored the cry of my wolf even though it physically hurt me to do so. Busying myself with mundane things like a shower and makeup, I turned my thoughts toward the evening ahead. I was going to check out the address Brinley had given me.

The bloodlust grew with each passing minute. Without Kale there, I felt lost. I didn’t want to keep killing, even though I loved it so damn much when caught up in the moment. I’d been a hunter of monsters. Now I was what I’d spent so many years hunting.

“How am I supposed to go on like this?” I whispered to my reflection, receiving no answer. The mirror was beginning to feel like an enemy.

Like the past few nights, I did my best to make myself look the way I felt. Like someone else. Something else. The heavy black liner around my eyes and a bright red lipstick was more Jez’s style than mine. It wasn’t enough. I could still see myself there, lost behind those dark-blue eyes.

I turned away from the mirror with disgust. The bloodlust crept up my insides, starting as a twinge that soon became a pang. If I didn’t deal with this while I still had a shred of control, I was going to do something horrible.

Dressed in jeans and a Walking Dead t-shirt with Daryl’s wings on the back, I gathered my dagger, jacket, and shoulder bag and headed for the door. My house felt big and empty. I didn’t want to be there anymore.