Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(53)

“Tell me,” he demanded, his shout echoing in the vast night. His blue eyes flashed with certainty, and his grip tightened.

I fell into those penetrating eyes. In them I saw myself, and I saw the spark of what it was that united us. I couldn’t lie to him. Not only was it not in my nature, he’d never believe it anyway.

With a frustrated growl, I shouted, “You win, ok? Every day that I was in his bed, it was you that I ached for. It was you that I missed until it hurt. I wanted to escape you by losing myself in him, and every f*cking time it became more and more undeniable that he is not the one.” I jerked away from Arys, and he released me. Turning away, I fought back blood tears that wouldn’t be denied. “Are you happy now?”

There was a long pause before he answered. When he spoke, his voice was thick with tears. It jarred me. Arys wasn’t much of a crier. “Fuck no, I’m not happy,” he said. “It hurts that you went to him to escape me, but it really f*cking kills me that I drove you to it. I wish I could change the way things went down. Yeah, I enjoyed being the one to kill you, but please try to understand it wasn’t about that. It was about having all of you, even your death. I love you, Alexa. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. But this is who I am.”

When I turned back to face him there were blotchy, red tearstains beneath his eyes. It gave him a haunted appearance. I swiped a hand through my own tears, hating that they would never be clear again.

“Is that why you arranged to send him away? Because that’s who you are?” My tone dripped acid. My heart was broken. I saw my torment echoed in Arys, and I couldn’t decide which one of us I hated more for it.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted a big, dramatic apology. He’d apologized for enjoying my death, but he wasn’t willing to go there for the part he played in Kale’s certainty that he should leave.

I opened my mouth and closed it. If I spoke now I would say something horrible that I could never take back. This vicious, mean side of me wanted to spit it out anyway, to tell Arys that I’d never forgive him for toying with my life. I wanted to say he’d damaged things between us in a way that we would never come back from, to tell him I didn’t even want to.

That side of me came from the dark that rooted in my core. I had sense enough to realize that and to keep my mouth shut, no matter how hard it might be. That wasn’t who I was.

Choosing to say nothing at all, I gathered my bag and dagger and shoved by him to the front door. Arys shadowed me, unwilling to let me slam the door in his face.

“Goddammit, Alexa. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You can’t shut me out. I’m inside you, all the time. And you’re inside me. We’re not meant to be apart. Don’t do this.”

He followed me inside. I didn’t try to stop him, but I had to get him to leave before sunrise trapped us together all day.

“I miss you,” I said as I strode down the long entry hall to the kitchen and dropped my things on the table. “I do. Painfully. But I need to be alone right now.”

The last time I’d spent any time at home was the night of Kylarai and Coby’s wedding. They were still gone on their honeymoon, blissfully unaware of what had happened to me since they’d left. I flicked on the lights and surveyed the kitchen and living room. Nothing had changed in my absence. Only me.

“I get it. I’ll leave but not until you hear me out.” He leaned heavily on the kitchen counter and ran a hand through his hair, clutching a handful as he did. It was something Shaz would do. Just how much time were they spending together?

I turned to face him, keeping the island between us. “Fine. Say what you have to say.”

For a moment he just stared at me. There was such agony in his gaze. It speared me, reaching into my soul to drag out the emotion I kept stuffing back down inside me.

“I’m sorry about Sinclair,” Arys began, saying Kale’s name like it was something sour he had to spit out. “I know that I have no right to make decisions for you. When you ran to him instead of me, it damn near killed me. My reaction was not respectful of you, although I stand firmly in my opinion that it’s best for him to go. But the last thing I wanted was for you to despise me. I want you to need me, because I need you in ways I can barely wrap my head around. Please, forgive me.”

The hum of the refrigerator was ridiculously loud in the sudden quiet. I was both subdued and angered by his words, a strange combination that made me want to both hug him and claw his eyes out.

I tried to choose my words carefully, finding it extremely difficult. “Kale wants to go. He sees it as an opportunity for us to get some distance. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make what you did any easier to accept, Arys. You don’t get to make my decisions. I won’t stand for it. This is the last time. If you do this again… I’m done. With everything.”

Saying such things to him was like tearing my heart out with my own hands and crushing it to a bloody pulp. It never should have come to this. Again I thought of Lilah and how she and her twin flame Salem had failed to maintain the stronghold of their bond. They’d fallen victim to the conflict and the forces seeking to separate them. I didn’t want that for Arys and me, but I wouldn’t live in a cage designed by our bond.

With a shaky sigh, I continued, “Don’t you see what’s happening to us? We’re going to end up just like Lilah and Salem, completely destroyed by our bond instead of united. Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of that happening to us.”