Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(51)

So I tried again, speaking slowly, fighting to quench the anger lighting my emotions on fire. “Shaz, please. Let go. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” He laughed, a sound filled with pain and rage. “I’ve been hurting since the night you ran from us, straight into Kale’s bed. How much worse can it get?”

The next growl came from me. I understood that he was upset, but he was going too far too soon. “Who the f*ck are you to talk to me about running to someone else’s bed seeking false comfort?” I demanded, satisfied when he flinched. “You don’t get to judge me for mistakes that you’ve made.”

Shaz’s emotions drove his wolf. The hand gripping me sprouted claws that dug into my skin. “My mistakes don’t include slaughtering innocent people just for kicks. This isn’t who you are. Do you really expect me to stand by and watch you destroy yourself?”

Blood ran down my arm. Shaz didn’t seem to notice he was hurting me until both vampires edged closer, drawn by the aroma. Then he released me, but he didn’t back out of my personal space.

“No, I don’t. I expect you to move on with your life. Forget about me. I’m not your burden to bear.”

“Alexa,” Arys said, a warning in his tone.

“Don’t start with me, Arys.” I threw a venomous glare his way. “What you and Jenner have been up to isn’t so different from what Kale and I have been doing. Is it?”

They had been killing too, getting their kicks while bleeding strippers and federal agents. I was just like Arys now, existing night to night with a hunger for pain and destruction. I wanted to blame him, but I had chosen this.

“You’re still a wolf,” Arys spoke softer, as if trying to rein in his own temper. “Shaz is still part of you, as is the light. We will never know how it feels to have both fighting to rule your mind and your heart, but please, give us a chance here. We love you.”

“You love misery.”

“Goddammit, Alexa!” In a sudden burst of wolf fury, Shaz grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the Charger. He shook me hard. “There has to be some part of you that’s still in there. The real you. I’m not leaving until I see it.”

There was no thought, no rational response, no calculated reaction. There was only instinct, and my instinct was to fight back when someone backed me into a corner. With a surge of power-driven anger, I threw him off me with greater force than I’d anticipated. He hit the ground and skidded several feet across the pavement. Immediately I smelled blood. Strong, rich, potent werewolf blood.

I was on him in a flash. Straddling Shaz, I went for his throat. Arys and Jenner both moved to grab me, but Shaz flung up a hand to ward them off.

“Don’t,” he shouted. “Just leave her.” To me, he said, “Go ahead then. If you can bring yourself to kill me, then just do it. I don’t want to live in a world where I have to fear you anyway.”

His words were meant to penetrate the shadows clouding my mind, and they did. Peering into his wide wolf eyes, I could see myself reflected in their depths. Blue-eyed with vampire fangs bared, I didn’t look much like the me I’d once been. Shaz was desperate to know if the woman he loved was still in here, and I couldn’t hold that against him. Still, it only furthered my belief that he was better off without me. He didn’t deserve this shit.

As we stared into one another, something shifted inside me. I was brought back to a time when the wolf was all I knew. I saw it there, reflected in Shaz. And I missed those days with a desperation that forced a cry from me. We could never go back to that.

Hurting Shaz was not what I wanted, but I knew I already had. I’d cut him deep down in a place beyond physical repair. My death had hurt him. I couldn’t let my undead existence torment him further. I would always love him, but I would never be what he needed.

He reached to touch my face. The warmth of his hand snapped me out of the melancholy spell I was under. I threw myself off him with a strangled groan, and all but hurled myself at the car. Before anyone could stop me, I closed the door and turned the key.

The squeal of tires announced my escape. I couldn’t stand to look into those green eyes for another moment. In them I saw everything I would never be.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. It seemed to change from moment to moment. Becoming a vampire had turned me into something I hated, as I’d known it would. I had feared this, but my fear hadn’t saved me. I was starting to believe that nothing ever would.

Chapter Fourteen

Kale’s house was my destination. My break from reality was over. The past several days we’d embraced a reckless sort of escape, living only in each moment. That was done. It was time for me to go home.

Getting my things while he was out with Jez was both cowardly and safe. It would be easier if I didn’t have to look into his amazing eyes. While I gathered my things, I told myself again and again that this was best for Kale and for me. We were a disaster together. But I was going to miss him.

With my bag slung over my shoulder, I paused in the kitchen to dig through the drawers in search of some kind of pen and paper. Vampires didn’t tend to have a lot in the way of everyday things. I ended up digging a pen out of my shoulder bag and scribbled a note on a piece of old newspaper.

We both know how this will play out, and because I can’t stand goodbye, I’m just going to go. I will always love you, and I will miss you like crazy. Please take care of yourself, and as selfish as this is to say, please don’t forget me. Give ’em hell in Sin City. That city won’t know what hit it. xoxo More than once I turned back to change it. I even considered tearing up the note and leaving nothing behind. But I couldn’t do that and live with myself. My encounter with Shaz had reminded me how shitty I’d become. Still, I had my limits. I couldn’t let Kale leave without a word.