Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(58)

I was keenly in tune with our victim. Her heartbeat reverberated in my ears. I was aware of the rise and fall of her chest with each breath. My energy aligned with hers, allowing me to feel her very essence in an intimate way. So when her heart tripped into a different rhythm, I knew it was time to stop.

Resisting it was hard. Damn hard. And yet, somehow satisfying. I didn’t want it any less, and stopping came with mild disappointment. But it was outweighed by the thrill of succeeding.

I looked to Arys, who licked a smear of blood from his lips. He set her bitten arm down gently on the bed. She didn’t react, having passed out at some point. Her breathing was steady and even. She’d be fine.

Arys and I stared at each other like the confused, divided, and smitten lovers we were. The longing that rolled off him matched my own. The room buzzed with the power we’d called.

We were staring at each other with mixed emotions, and then we were kissing. He pulled me over to the small bistro table in the corner where he fell into a chair, tugging me onto his lap. His kiss was hungry, voracious.

I wanted him. I did. Kissing him back with fierce longing, I fisted a handful of his hair. Damn how I’d missed him.

But then the memories played through my head: The way it felt to be in his strong embrace while he drained my life away. The deep satisfaction that filled him after finally getting what he’d waited so long for. The horror I experienced at the realization that he’d been counting down to my death even as he resisted it.

I shoved away from him. On my feet, I backed toward the door. A trembling hand went to my lips as if I could wipe the sensation of him from me. Impossible.

“I can’t do this,” I said, my voice as shaky as my hands. It wasn’t just the awful memories. There were so many reasons why I wasn’t ready for this.

“Why not?” Arys pinned me with a knowing look, one that dared me to tell him what he already knew. “Because of him? Or because of me?”

My back hit the door, and I leaned against it, dropping my gaze to the floor. “Both.”

Having been with Kale so recently, I couldn’t simply pretend none of that had happened. Even if Arys was willing to overlook it or pass it off as newbie vampire mania, I couldn’t do that.

“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t f*cking kill me that you’ve been with him. But we belong together, Alexa. It’s what we are.” Arys slumped in his chair and rubbed a hand over his face as if he couldn’t decide how to get through to me.

“Arys, I’ve spent so much of myself being torn between who I belong with, who my wolf wants, and who lets me forget the world exists, that I’m losing myself. Every night I feel crazier than the last, like I’m losing my damn mind. I need some time to adjust.” My constant plea for time was wearing on him. I could see it in his eyes, the weariness that I couldn’t stand to look at.

He gestured to the unconscious woman on the bed. “Don’t tell me you didn’t feel how good we are together. We are a perfect fit. You were always meant to be a vampire. Part of you knows it. And part of you hates it. I can see that. But please, just don’t shut me out. I can’t take it.”

Again we’d reached an impasse. We both needed something from the other that we weren’t going to get without a fight.

“You’re right. I do hate it. It makes me hate myself. That’s not something that’s going to change overnight.” A surge of emotion choked off my words.

Arys stared at me. I stared at the floor. Finally, his voice husky and strained, he asked, “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

My heart seized at the raw pain in that question. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The part of me that belonged to Arys wanted to throw myself on the floor at his feet and promise him that this wouldn’t divide us forever, that I would get over it. The part of me that was all wolf hated him, hated what he’d done to me, hated that I’d allowed it. It wasn’t just Arys and I that were divided. It was me.

“I want to,” I said, dragging my gaze up to meet his. “I know it’s not your fault, Arys. You’re a victim of circumstance as much as I am. But I need to learn how to forgive myself. And I’m not sure things will ever be what they were before.”

Arys stood up quickly, his hands clenched like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. “I don’t want it to be. I want it to be better. It can be. It will be.”

On impulse I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tight. “I want to believe that. I do. Please, just give me time.” Before he could respond, my phone buzzed with an annoyed text from Jez. “Shit. Jez is here looking for me. She’s coming with me tonight. I have to go.”

Arys nodded and motioned to the door. “I guess you’re taking Kale too.” At my puzzled expression he added, “I can feel him. He’s here. It’s like you magnify his presence or something.”

When I concentrated on the vampire energy in the building, I was able to detect Kale’s honey-sweet vibe among them. “Yeah, I’m taking him. For Jez. She’s not taking his leaving so well.” It wasn’t a lie. So why did it feel like one?

“Well, don’t keep them waiting. When you’re ready, you know how to find me.” With a warm hand Arys pushed my hair back and kissed my forehead before turning away.

I lingered, wondering if I should say something. I was torn, wanting to offer him some kind of reassurance and needing to just walk away. There was nothing I could say to fix this. It would have to come in its own time.