Select (Select #1)(70)
I scrolled through quickly to see if there was anything incriminating Victoria might have found. I’d erased texts and phone messages the moment I’d arrived home that day after the FBI questioned me at my school. I had only one photo of him, but I knew it was obscured and no one would be able to tell who it was. I never planned to look at it again, but I also didn’t delete it. If I went to delete it, I’d have to see it.
Relieved, I knew there was nothing there. I almost put the phone aside when something bothered me. I stared at the phone. A moment later it dawned on me.
Petrified, I scrolled down, down until I saw it: Deleted Messages. They were all there. I’d never completely discarded them. It had been thoughtless, just like everything else I’d done while I was away.
I walked over to my door and locked it softly, then slowly sat down on the very edge of my bed. I turned the volume to the lowest setting and held the phone to my ear, forcing myself to listen to the only three messages he’d ever left me.
Hearing his voice, he was real to me again, suddenly pushed back into the foreground. The first message was from the very beginning, when he first began to call me. It was formal and he spoke fast. The second one was when we were in the thick of dating for those short weeks and he actually said “Hey, babe” on the phone, teasing me because I hated it. His last message was the day after the wine cellar. I remember watching the phone ring, but without a plan for what I was going to say, I let it go to voice mail. I remember noting he had waited until noon to call, most likely so he wouldn’t appear worried about telling me he loved me.
His tone was straightforward, hiding any vulnerability even though he had to be unsure of how I felt about him. “Hey, it’s me. Thanks for having me over last night. Call me.” He didn’t deny the night before, but he didn’t bring it up explicitly either.
Victoria had finally won. The messages made it so obvious. If getting close to an outsider wasn’t enough, I’d brought him here, to our house. If Novak found out—if he didn’t already know—come Relocation, my time with the group was over. I knew firsthand, you couldn’t defy Novak and get away with it. The worst of it was, I had done this to myself.
Victoria gave Liv permission to take a drive as long as it was short and she stayed relatively close. I was surprised when Liv knocked on my door and asked me along. I’d barely ventured from my room, almost scared to move, waiting for Novak to come find me. When Liv asked if I wanted to come, I leapt at the opportunity, thinking no one would confront me as long as I was with her.
With the music thumping, we blazed down the road in a car borrowed from Novak. The life outside the car window felt bright and new after days being holed up. The two of us hadn’t been alone in months. It felt manufactured, but at least we were trying.
“Whoa, slow down, Livvy.” Cars honked as Liv went through a red light. She laughed her lilting laugh. Liv seemed happy for the moment, like she used to be before Novak separated her from Angus.
Liv didn’t listen to me and continued driving like a maniac. We tore down West Fifth, aimless on a Friday afternoon. Traffic was piling up and Liv was swerving around cars. I’d been a passenger in cars driven recklessly countless times, but I trusted the Lost Kids’ skills a hell of a lot more than I trusted Liv’s, since she was a new driver.
Seeing my look, Liv said, “What? I’ve got it. This is how you like to drive.”
“Yeah, but I—” I stopped myself. She didn’t drive looking ahead and in all three mirrors at once like I did.
“What?” Liv looked over at me too long, her eyes off the road. “You’re better at it than me?”
“No. Of course not.” Immediately I felt a pit in my stomach.
She slowed and draped one hand on top of the steering wheel, stuck in traffic now.
“Can I ask you something?” She looked over at me, her tangled hair hanging loose halfway down her back. Liv looked more Lost Kid than I did at the moment.
“Of course.”
“Why are you holding back?”
“What are you talking about?” I looked out the window.
“It’s like you’re deferring to me all the time.” We were moving again, and Liv took her eyes off me. “What happened at Barton Springs—both you and Angus—no one ever talked about it.”
“Ha. I’m sure Angus did.” I didn’t mean to say that. I avoided mentioning his name in her presence.
“You’re advanced like Dad, aren’t you?” The impact of her words got lost in my realization that Liv had driven way too close to Austin High for my own comfort. We were nearby at just the time school would be letting out. I didn’t like it.
“No! Not at all.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“What? Not being like Dad? Of course. I mean, it’s a pipe dream we probably all have, you know? To be that special person among special people. And you all know so much more than me and the boys. I’m just happy I can be back and live this life, be with all of you….”
“I don’t know, Julia. I want to make sure you’re not holding back on my account. It’s okay if you’re better than I am. I don’t care. Honestly. Even if they want it for me, it’s become clear I’m never going to have abilities like Dad’s.”