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“Ford! Now!” I realized they couldn’t see me standing in the dark. Now that he’d stopped moving, he must have been getting cold, his sweat making it worse.

I held my gloved hands together in front of me to stop them from shaking. “You have to go. I just came to say good-bye. I’ve gone back to my old school.”

He knew me well enough to know that his not saying anything was making me nervous. I had trouble looking him in the eye. He just watched me. I wished I were anywhere else.

She’s really doing this when I can’t talk? This particular moment. She’s such a coward.

I couldn’t help it. I audibly sucked in my breath when I heard that. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked at the ground. I realized he had caught a glimpse of the three Cartier diamond love bracelets on my wrist—jewelry that I knew seemed laughable on a teenager. I lifted my eyes to meet his, as if to say, See? I’m looking at you, and a crazy energy flowed between us. My gaze slipped away again. I couldn’t look at him and maintain my Jaynes persona at the same time, not when he looked at me like he could see right through me.

“Are you forfeiting?” the other players yelled.

“You need to go.” After an uncomfortable second I stepped off the bleachers. Completely out of character, my foot caught and I swayed, accidentally falling against John. He automatically put up his hands to steady me and caught my wrist. I was against his chest for a breath. All of our usual insane chemistry was there. He didn’t move, hoping that the contact would bring me back to my senses.

I quickly said, “Excuse me,” and he let go of me like I was on fire.

I walked away from the courts, into the dark. Knowing he was watching, I unlocked the car, and it glowed to life. A new BMW, not my old Prius. It was like I’d been let into the club.

“Julia!” I heard him yell hoarsely. I paused imperceptibly but didn’t turn around. He called out, “It all fucking happened.”

I kept walking. I felt it when John saw him—Angus—in the passenger’s seat. I knew it would seal the deal, that John would know this was who I wanted. Someone perfect. That he’d been right all along.

I let myself into the car, and in seconds we were driving away. There was no sign I’d ever been here. There was no real sign we’d ever been together.

As my car tunneled off into the night, I finally let him go. It felt like we’d been physically connected for the past two and a half months and now the connection was severed. We were spinning far, far away from each other.

“Thanks for helping me,” I said to Angus.

Angus stared impassively out the windshield. “Sure. He won’t be coming back.”

“I think I broke him.”

“You had to,” Angus said.

I mentally cut the cord, and that world no longer existed.





I told myself school was glorious. Compared with Austin High’s severe architecture and subsequent cheap fixes, our school was a country club.

In some ways being back was better than I had imagined. I no longer carried the shame of being isolated from the group. It was like being in the right country, where everyone spoke my language—that higher level of frequency that my family communicated on. It felt so good to have that kind of understanding. No more slow, deliberate conversations communicating the obvious, making sure I sounded right, no more feeling so isolated from other people. It was effortless.

And the beauty. It wasn’t just everyone’s sheer physical beauty. They all seemed to radiate something that gave you a high just from being near them. It was to a lesser extent than with Novak, but each and every member gave off that energy in varying shades. I could feel it much more strongly after having been away.

Things weren’t exactly the same as when I left; everyone was more subdued. Life as we knew it was about to end, and everyone wanted to make sure they would be included on the ride. But there was a last-day-of-school excitement in the air too. If I could guess, we would be leaving around Christmas.

Everyone accepted my presence. It said something that Novak had brought me back. I carried an expensive bag and wore the nicer clothes in my closet. My hair was black again, but otherwise I’d toned everything down and resembled my stepmother and Liv more than a Lost Kid.

While I didn’t dare hang out with the Lost Kids, I carefully maintained my place, making sure I hung back in class and in sports. I had grown up thinking I had to strive and be the best in everything in order to fit in. That hadn’t done me any good. Now I knew how important it was to fade into the background, where I wouldn’t draw attention to myself and disturb the ecosystem. That was my best chance for moving on with my family.

Whenever I saw the Lost Kids during the course of the school day, they were only in twos. No groups. They seemed quiet and cleaned up. But after seeing them at the festival, I knew it was an act. Except for Ellis and Roger. They had actively distanced themselves from the other Lost Kids, as ordered. I saw them constantly searching out Angus with their eyes, though. I missed the old days of hanging out with the Lost Kids, when I felt like I had a group and a sort of identity, feeling free in my own way.

I stayed away and they took the hint. If they were being reckless, I couldn’t join them. As a result my rashes were terrible. I had zero release, but there was no way I was going to do anything that would make the rashes go away. I kept telling myself nothing was worth jeopardizing what I’d gotten back.