Select (Select #1)(68)
Angus, however, was in my life again. In class he always entered at the last minute, looking like he had just rolled out of bed. His bloodshot eyes would meet mine. We had always had a flirtation and an odd mutual understanding, but now it felt like we were partners of a different kind. He knew more about me than anyone else, and still he was being cooler than he’d ever been, accepting me back without missing a beat. The only thing he didn’t know was what the FBI agents had said to me that day.
During the day I convinced myself I was living the dream. Night was a different story. It was harder for me to hold my thoughts back. Those moments just before I fell asleep were the worst. I told myself this feeling that I was missing a part of myself had to do with suppressing my abilities. It wasn’t because of John.
I also tried to tune out the constant replay of my conversation with the FBI agents. Once morning came, however, thoughts that had run through my head seemed irrational.
Every time I left my driveway, I’d see work vans parked along Scenic and wonder if they were watching us. I couldn’t let them mess with my head. I was so close. I was doing so well here. As long as I could operate perfectly within their framework, and Novak never discovered what I’d done while I was away, I’d make the cut. This was all I’d ever wanted, I told myself. This was enough.
My greatest comfort was knowing Liv had a say, whether she knew it or not. Happy Liv meant happy Victoria. If I was left behind, I didn’t think Liv would forgive them. Even though she was behaving like a complete bitch.
In my first week back, Angus grabbed my arm, pulling me as I walked down the hall to the next class. I yanked my arm back.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
I kept walking. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t need to answer to him.
“Hey! Why are you acting like that?”
“Acting like what?” I was annoyed, but we were speaking softly and quickly. Our friends in the hall were speaking in the same manner, so fast and low that outsiders couldn’t hear. To the other students, it must have looked like mass mumbling.
“Like you’re not the smartest one in the room. Of all of us.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re still pretending.”
“Novak never gave me permission to do everything I can do. I just need to stay off the radar.”
“Aren’t you sick of pretending, Julia?” Since I’d been back, Angus had been more sour than usual. I didn’t blame him, since Novak had knocked him back down the social ladder after his attempt to date Liv. Angus was the one in isolation now—forced to stay at home anytime he wasn’t at school. Like a wolf that needed to roam, though, he snuck out whenever he could.
“Since when haven’t we had to pretend, Angus? We’re always pretending. All of us. Hopefully we’ll do less of it in the next place.”
“For a few years, maybe. Everyone’s whispering that Relocation’s going to be different this time, but really? Some things will never change,” he said bitterly.
“It is the way it is. And let me tell you, it’s a lot less pretending here than it is out there.” I waved a hand in the direction of Austin High.
“You seemed happy,” he said.
I let that go and started walking.
“Julia.” I could tell from his tone that he was sorry. He stopped and I turned around. Liv was standing in the doorway of a classroom, watching us. She turned her back after shooting Angus a semblance of a dirty look. I was aware that we looked like we were having a lover’s quarrel.
Angus saw Liv’s reaction but didn’t seem to care. In fact he seemed to have moved on from Liv completely.
“How’s that going?” He nodded in Liv’s direction.
“Not great.”
“What’s up?”
“She’s been cold since I’ve been back. I’m not sure why she’s the one being cold to me,” I said, annoyed. Angus was the only person who knew I had any issues with Liv. Since I’d been back, Liv was either ignoring me or challenging me. It made me want to smack her. “I’m sure it has to do with you and me being friends. Even though you were my friend first.”
“And that you wanted me first,” Angus teased.
“Shut up,” I said, but I laughed. He was so incredibly cocky, it was funny. We smiled at each other, which might’ve made things worse if Liv happened to still be watching.
“Have you heard from him? John…,” Angus said, testing the name and testing me.
The question caught me off guard. It took me a second to recover. He had to stop. I took a step toward Angus, my face close to his, almost like I was going to kiss him. He didn’t move a muscle.
“Angus,” I said as softly and meaningfully as I could, “it never happened.”
We held eyes and I willed him to get it.
He moved first, but it was to kiss my cheek. “Heard that.”
I wouldn’t think about him, I wouldn’t think about him.
Two weeks later, our lives changed abruptly. We were told we were done with school and that we needed to stay home. If we went out, we needed to tell someone where we were going, and we needed to stay close.
At first it felt exciting, like we were preparing to leave for a trip. After days went by, though, the mood changed. It began to feel like we were languishing in a compound, waiting for the FBI to bust through the door. I began to see my same rash appear on Liv, and even on some of the adults who came by the house, as if something was building up in their system from being restricted. You could feel the frustration with Novak increase by the day: What were we waiting for? Why were we still here?