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I raised my head. “I don’t know. It was bad. I lost it,” I admitted.

Angus laughed. “We’re human, Julia. Maybe different or special or whatever. But still human.”

I’d never thought of it like that. To me it had always been just them and us, no gray area between.

I put my head on his shoulder. “You all seem perfect.”

“Well, we all know there’s more than meets the eye. Seriously, I wouldn’t worry about Liv. You know that saying—she needs to kill the king in order to grow up and take her rightful place. You acted like her mother forever, and now she’s rebelling, trying to prove herself. You’re older and a badass.”

“I don’t think so.”

“What? The badass part? Jesus, Julia. You always have been. You don’t see yourself. You’re the OG. That’s never going to change.”

I lifted my head and looked at him like he was crazy. “This is very different from what you were saying to me a few months ago.”

“Things change.” Novak’s mind changed was what he really meant. I wondered at the timing of it. Would Novak have brought me back if the FBI had never spoken to me? Was I back because he was afraid of what I might know?

Angus leaned forward, elbows on knees, and stared up at me.

I wasn’t good with compliments, but, weirdly, what he said about Liv made sense. I looked up at the sky. “Well, she’s playing around with something dangerous.”

“It’ll be fine. Liv is smart.”

We made eye contact and I smiled, feeling just a tiny bit of relief in spite of the day’s events. Angus suddenly stopped smiling but held my gaze.

He sat up and very slowly extended his arm toward me, his fingers sifting through my hair. Angus had always been a flirt, but this felt different. Like I was precious, he carefully pulled my head toward his, his lips brushing my temple. Then he tilted his head to the side and leaned in to kiss me.

His lips were soft, but they felt totally foreign. Last summer I had been so ready for this, wanting to melt into him. Angus was a skilled kisser, but now I felt removed. After a moment I pulled back, not wanting it.

Angus straightened up, immediately defensive. “What?”

“You surprised me.”

“How could that have been a surprise?”

“Angus, you have led me on for two years.” I felt angry. Why now? He’d shown up too late.

“I was an idiot.”

“No, you just didn’t know if you liked me that way.”

“Like I said, I was an idiot. I have always liked you that way. I just needed to realize it.” I knew he meant it.

“No, Angus.” I put my hand on his knee. “This is because I’ve apparently had a status change.”

He grabbed my hand, holding it—a complete contrast to his harsh words. “Fuck you, Julia. It’s not. I have always loved you.”

“Angus, you were with my sister.” I pulled my hand away and stood up, as if that made it a done deal.

He leaned back, as if in disbelief that Liv could really be a deal breaker. “Julia, she liked me, and I felt like I should like her back because of who she is. You’re right: I got caught up in the status bullshit. But I don’t feel for her the way I feel—

I held up a hand. “Don’t say it. Liv cares about you. A lot.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “So nothing can happen between us simply because I dated Liv for two seconds.”

“It was for more than two seconds. And I wouldn’t do that to her, anyway. Not right now.”

“I never had sex with Liv.”

“Ugh! Why are you telling me this? I don’t want to know.”

“Just letting you know it was never serious.”

“It was to her.”

“She’ll get over it.” Angus stopped abruptly, like something had just occurred to him. Slowly he stepped toward me, trying to get me to look at him full in the face. There was surprise in those light eyes when he asked, “Did you have sex with him?”

“Angus, shut up!” I made a move to grab my bag and jacket.

“Wow. You did.” His voice was more amazed than disgusted. I expected him to say something demeaning. Instead he said quietly, “I just thought—I always thought I’d be your first.”

He left me sitting on the stone wall. I watched him walk away, feeling like I had nothing left.





DECEMBER





When Liv said she was taking me out for my birthday and it was okay with Novak, she could have taken me anywhere. I didn’t care, I was so desperate to leave the house after weeks of staying close to home, quarantined and feeling so messed up, the same scared thoughts spinning. I was surprised when she pulled up in front of a large music venue on the east side of town. We had never been to a music venue or to the east side. This seemed extreme, even for my birthday.

Things still felt uneasy between me and my sister. In the line to get into the show, we were mostly silent, Liv fidgeting in the cold of the late night, impatient and out of her element, and me glancing at her sidelong, in awe that the two of us could be related in any way. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw the photo of Elizabeth Blackcomb all over again.

I felt humiliated that I had walked around thinking I was one of them all these years, that if I just tried a little bit harder I could fit in, though I never did. Turns out I was the child of someone who had probably suffered like Novak’s assistants had.