Redemption(66)

At a loss for words, I nodded eagerly and hugged his neck just after he slipped the ring on my left ring finger. My tears were more than joy from getting engaged. At that moment, I felt as though I’d been released from suffering. I’d satisfied a higher power who’d forgiven me for hurting my son. The tears trailed down my cheeks as I felt Joshua move on from whatever purgatory I’d had him chained to. And in return, I, myself had been redeemed.



*

The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn’t care what it was. I’d help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move…or stay awake.

I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she’d been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night, and live without restraint.

I didn’t want to dismiss Joshua, but the day I gave birth to Alissa, I started to forgive myself for the accident, the lapse in judgment that had cost me my son. I couldn’t go back and change it, there was no way to rewind the clock—if there had been, I would have done it. I looked around at my life and realized not only did I think I’d never get a second chance, but I loved the way things had changed. I couldn’t say I would have ever chosen this path or the heartache that lead up to it, but the culmination of beautiful things gave purpose to Joshua’s life and his death.

“Hey, Penny.” Dan’s voice carried throughout the house frequently making it difficult to tell just where it had come from.

“Yeah?” I’d follow it until I found him. I just had to keep him talking.

“It’s go time, babe. Put on some shoes. We have Alissa duty until further notice.”

Midway down the steps, it dawned on me what Dan had said, and I raced back to our room to throw on tennis shoes and a bra. I hopped from the last step right into Dan’s arms. “Holy crap. Is Annie totally freaked?” I didn’t know where the whole Valley-girl thing came from.

“Brett said she’s not acting rationally. When I talked to him, she had gotten in the shower to wash her hair and shave her legs.” In some ways, it went against everything I believed about Annie, but in others, it was exactly who she’d always been. She would still be concerned about people seeing her vagina unkempt as the toes passed through the birth canal. But I also knew to trust her, she wouldn’t risk that child for all the money in the world.

“Nice. Wanna make a bet on whether it’s a boy or girl?”

Dan stopped me. “What’s gotten into you? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I can’t tell if you’re excited or nervous.”

“Both, I guess.”

He let whatever was on his mind go and took my hand to walk across the driveways. When we walked in, Brett had a crying baby in his arms and genuinely appeared terrified. I scooped Alissa up while Dan took over with Brett.

“Man, calm down. Why are you so upset?”

“She won’t get out of the shower, Dan. She’s in labor. Her water broke. This is not where we need to be. I’m freaked the fuck out.”

I wandered off with the baby so Brett could get his shit together. I was afraid Dan might have to slap him, but moments later Brett disappeared upstairs, and Dan joined me on the couch with my little love muffin.

Minutes later, Annie and Brett came babbling down the stairs. I wanted to offer her the perfect words, but one look and she knew how I felt. She struggled with asking us to stay with Alissa, but I knew her friends would take care of her at the hospital, and once the baby arrived, Dan and I would get the pleasure of introducing her to her sibling. But the wait might kill me.

As the hours ticked by, Dan and I switched off with Alissa. I never imagined he would love her the way he does. He’d been so adamantly opposed to children, I assumed he wouldn’t be good with them, but that was so far from the truth. He adored his best friends’ daughter as though she were his own.

“You’re really good with her.” It warmed my heart to watch him snuggle her little body against his chest and coo the most adorable sounds in her ear. When he touched his nose to hers, I went weak in the knees.

“I love kids.” He didn’t look away from his butterfly kisses. “Their innocence is captivating. The whole world awaits them, and they can do whatever they want with it. Parents are the ones that screw them up, but Alissa’s lucky. A child couldn’t ask for better people to love her.”

When I didn’t respond, he glanced my way. He studied my face, but I waited. There was something on the tip of his tongue, and he’d share it when the words came to him.

“It’s hard to spend as much time with Alissa as we do and not wonder what it would be like.”

That I wasn’t expecting. I tried to conceal my reaction so he’d continue, but I felt my eyes go wide before I could stop it, and he saw the response.