Redemption(61)

“I bet it all falls off in no time. It’s all baby and water weight. I promise you haven’t gained any on any other part of your body.”

“Are you nervous about having two infants a few weeks apart in age?” We hadn’t talked a lot about how she planned to raise two babies. I didn’t think it mattered much. She’d been ready to take on triplets if that option had presented itself.

She shrugged and set her hands on her lap. “Not really. I’ve wanted this for so long that whatever I have to deal with will be worth it. Brett and I decided I would quit working when you go on maternity leave.”

Annie loved her career, but I wasn’t surprised. She’d struggled to engage recently. Gray’s death had taken a toll on all three of them. Surprisingly, Brett harbored more guilt than Annie, but based on what Dan had told me, that was because of the way the men at the DC treated him for weeks after. Dan and Brett had both been tasked with covering Gray’s shifts until they replaced him, and nothing about the situation had been easy for either Ryann.

“That’s not too far off then. I never thought I’d be looking forward to the end of a school year, but walking all over campus and teaching two-hour lectures wipes me out. It will be nice to have a break before the baby gets here and a few weeks off after to help you.” I didn’t mention how excited I was to be able to focus on Dan the way he’d showered me with attention the last few months.

Our situation was unique. Annie wouldn’t have the exhaustion of having pushed a baby through her vagina, but she’d be close to delivering herself. And I wouldn’t have the sleepless nights she would endure with a newborn. I hoped my body recovered quickly so I could help her out before school started back in the fall. Dan and I both wanted to be able to bond with the new additions to the Ryann family together. We weren’t having our own child, but the two of us loved this one as if it were ours.

I had signed my contract for the following school year last week. I wasn’t sure Rob would renew it based on how childish he’d acted since I encountered him in the parking lot. But maybe he was afraid of the lawsuit I’d bring if I hadn’t been brought back after maternity leave, or if I testified to how he’d talked to me about my past. He didn’t know I wouldn’t do either, but I thought it was enough to force him to make the right decision. I was good at my job, and the University got far more than it paid for with regards to my time and energy.

“I hope once you guys are next door, you’ll come over all the time.” She laid her hand on my thigh and waited for me to meet her gaze. “I want you two to be very active in the baby’s life. You know that, right?”

A smile spread across my cheeks. “I can’t wait.” I knew my eyes hinted at my internal struggle, but I also knew Annie thought I had changed my mind about wanting children. She had no reason to believe my envy was based in anything else.

“Have you and Dan thought about adoption?” The question was out of left field, but Annie had been hinting, trying to get me to open up about what I was feeling for days. When I didn’t respond quickly, she kept talking. “I see how protective Dan is of the baby and you.” She shrugged. “I just wondered if maybe the two of you had changed your mind.”

I shook my head and pursed my lips. Thankfully, Dan was out of earshot packing in another room. “No. We haven’t talked about it. I really wouldn’t want to disrupt our lifestyle with the weight of kids, though.”

“I don’t believe you, Lissa. It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind.”

But it wasn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Dan, nor any poor kid who ended up in my custody…not that any court in the land would give me a child after murdering my own. “I think it’s just the hormones, Annie. I’m sure the baby craze will pass once my life goes back to normal.”

“Normal? Meaning you and your boyfriend spending time with your best friends who will have two children?” She resumed wrapping glasses as I stared at her.

“It’s life, Annie. I can enjoy your kids and not have any of my own.”

She didn’t believe the words any more than I did. “You should talk to Dan, Lissa. Something has shifted in him since you’ve been pregnant. I’ve known him for years, and things have changed.”

She let the topic drop, but I pondered it the remainder of the afternoon. It terrified me she might be right about Dan. I didn’t know a lot about vasectomies, but I knew they could be reversed with some success, and sperm could be retrieved the same way eggs had been for Annie. If Dan’s mindset had really changed, this could present a whole new set of problems I hadn’t dreamed of. His vasectomy was my safety net, the security that I’d never face parenthood again.

When Annie got ready to leave, we did an awkward side hug around both of our bellies…mine really, but I was lying to myself to include her, she was still less than half the size I was.

“Talk to Dan, Liss. He may want the same things you do and be just as afraid to approach the subject because you two had this kindred predisposition to remain childless.”

It was on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to reach out and grab her hand, stop her from leaving, and beg her to stay and listen to my story. But instead, I gave her a weak nod and shut the door behind her. I gathered my things and called out my goodbye to Dan. He came racing down the stairs to see why I was leaving.