Redemption(58)
When I heard the click of her seatbelt as she removed it, I knew pleading with her would be fruitless, but I tried anyhow. I begged her to stay put. “Annie, you don’t need to see whatever is out there. You’re pregnant for the love of God. Don’t go, please.”
It all fell on deaf ears. “Lissa, call Dan. Do not follow me out.”
I wanted to slap her. If either of us should go, it should be me. I didn’t have an emotional attachment to the man on the motorcycle. The stress of the situation was far less likely to hurt the baby I carried than the one she did. But she wouldn’t listen. She climbed out of the car, and I called my boyfriend.
The moment I heard his voice I lost my composure. I didn’t know how he understood anything I’d said, but he assured me he would be here in minutes. I followed his instructions and sat stoically in the backseat, counting the rhythm to any song I could bring to mind, fingering the invisible strings in my hand.
When I heard Annie shriek Brett’s name, I played faster, counted more difficult tempos—anything to escape what was unfolding before me. Death lingered in the night air. The last place I wanted to be was trapped inside another vehicle while someone else took their last breath.
“Gray!” Her voice was shrill.
I closed my eyes determined to force out the sights and sounds before me. Memories of the trial screeched across my mind. The way the witnesses described how they’d found Joshua somehow turned into Gray. With my eyes open, or lids closed, I couldn’t escape either. Joshua. Gray. It all swirled around furiously. My breathing increased, and I became light-headed. The panic attack was the worst I’d had in years, but I couldn’t pull myself out of it.
“No!”
The cry was one I’d imagined a hundred times when Clara Bartell had found my son baked in the heat of the Texas sky. I couldn’t differentiate between then and now. My body rocked back and forth, I hummed louder, my fingers flew, but I couldn’t count fast enough to mentally escape.
“Lissa, baby. I’m here.” Dan’s arms were around me, and his voice cooed in my ear. I didn’t know how long he’d been there, but I wasn’t alone. “Penny, I need you to calm down. Annie’s on the side of the road, alone, but I can’t leave you like this.” He moved with me as I swayed in an attempt to self-soothe.
I turned and breathed in his scent. My nose was pressed to the skin of his neck while he rubbed circles on my back. He whispered words of love and comfort in my ear, slowly bringing me back to a safe place mentally. He wouldn’t leave my side until I told him I was all right. I didn’t want to let him go, but I knew I had too. I inhaled deeply, exhaled, and pushed back. He searched my eyes while his hands instinctively moved to my stomach. With a quick peck on the lips, I assured him I would be okay and sent him to help Annie.
When he stepped away, my focus met the scene in front of me. I couldn’t hear Annie anymore since she was no longer screaming, and Dan had closed the door she’d left open when she got out of the car. But I saw her wrestling with the police officer who wouldn’t let her go any further. Just as I watched her head tilt back and heard her wail into an unforgiving night, her knees began to buckle. Dan caught her as she fell and pulled her into his embrace as they sank to the road beneath them. Her back was to his chest, and he huddled over her as she prayed to a Savior, who wasn’t going to answer her call. Tears continued to run down my cheeks as I witnessed my best friend lose her mind. This woman had been tortured by life.
Dan didn’t abandon her. As much as I wanted him for myself, he stayed by her side, and I knew she needed him more than I currently did. My mind had gone blank. I stared at everything moving around me but took nothing in. I’d tuned out to protect myself mentally. When I allowed myself to acknowledge the details of the accident, I was transported back in time to that rest area. I became a witness on the outside looking in. I watched in a trance-like state as though the EMS, police, and fire crew were trying to save my son.
I knew he wasn’t up there. Logically, I was aware I wasn’t unconscious in the front seat just beyond the ambulances. Joshua had been buried years ago. But at this moment, my mind forced me to see the scene as those who’d found my child had seen mine. No one paid Brett any attention even though he still kneeled in the same spot he’d been in for ages. The emergency workers were all near Gray. I imagined that had been the scene at the rest area. Even during the trials, no one spoke of the way they’d found me, or what had been done to ensure my safety. Not that I deserved that attention, but I’d never thought about it before today. My life hadn’t been as valued as Joshua’s by anyone there, but somehow, I’d been the one to survive while he perished.
Nothing made sense. This wasn’t my child’s death, and that wasn’t me on the ground. I hadn’t had a Dan to comfort me when I’d lost a significant love in my life the way Annie had now. I’d been alone, in the dark, and sedated immediately following the news. No one ever hugged me. No one asked me how I was holding up. At the time, I’d felt the punishment fit the crime. But somehow, sitting here, I acknowledged just how much I needed someone to love me then, and instead, everyone in my life had walked away.
I’d never talked to Matt after he left the house that night. I’d never heard from my parents after they spoke at my sentencing. My friends acted like we’d never met, much less spent our lives within spitting distance of each other. It was as if the world had blown up around me and left me isolated, closed inside a box I could see out of but couldn’t escape.