Redemption(53)
She continued to speak, but I had checked out. I wasn’t sure if I should be elated I wasn’t leaving here in handcuffs, or feel guilty for worrying about how I would pay ten thousand dollars in fines when I was sure to be unemployed as a convicted felon. Neither were things I had to face at the moment. Right now, I just needed to escape the disappointment of the people around me who’d expected me to go to prison.
16
Chapter Sixteen
We all piled into the exam room for the ultrasound. I hopped up on the table trying to exude excitement when I struggled with overwhelming grief. Each step of this process reminded me of when I had experienced it before. Matt and I had been overjoyed to see our baby on the screen, but now I was concerned about my reaction when I was bombarded by the past.
The easiest thing for me to do was go through the motions focused only on what I was told to do. We were here for Annie and Brett. If I found personal healing through any of this, that would be fantastic, but the end goal was to give back, restore what I’d taken that hot summer day in Texas.
With my back on the table, I lifted my shirt and tucked it under my bra. I glanced down at my swollen stomach, and a mournful grin took over my features. To the outsider, it probably appeared to be subtle happiness that came with pregnancy, but my stomach was a reminder of my first pregnancy…and why I was doing this. Annie watched me until the technician put the gel on my rounded bump, and then she turned her attention to the television screen in the corner of the room. The lights were dim, but I could see Brett’s hand on her leg, and Dan held mine when the baby came into focus. His strong grip reassured me I wasn’t alone in this. Even if he didn’t know my past, he was part of my present and my future. I tried to focus on that instead of the overwhelming desire to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry.
With each organ the sonographer identified, we were one step closer to seeing there was a healthy, whole child swimming around inside me. The whoosh of the baby’s heartbeat held my attention for longer than it should, but it confirmed life. Two legs, two arms, tiny toes and fingers—everything was there, exactly as it should be. I was in awe watching the little guy, or girl, move to avoid the ultrasound wave, feeling him or her turn inside me. I could see Dan from the corner of my eye but kept my stare trained on the image. He watched me in wonder. There was a hint of a grin at the corners of his mouth, but I knew he was proud of what I had done for his friends, not excited by the baby itself. His pride in me kept me from falling over the edge.
I struggled not to cry, not to feel the weight of regret and grief. I could never replace Joshua, and wouldn’t try, but something about offering a child to two people who so desperately wanted one gave purpose to the one I’d taken. Had I never lost Joshua, I wouldn’t be here in South Carolina. Annie and Brett wouldn’t be my friends. And Dan wouldn’t be part of my life. I’d be married to my son’s father and living in Wimberley, Texas—the wife of an Army sniper. While I never would have known the difference then, the reality was I knew it now. I would never have chosen this path, but if I trained my attention on the blessings I’d been given since losing my son, I couldn’t deny God gave me gifts I hadn’t deserved.
Dan leaned over to whisper in my ear. His breath was warm on my skin and reminded me I wasn’t alone anymore. I was more than a baby incubator to this man. He loved me. “I’m so proud of you, Penny. I’ve never seen Annie so happy.” He kissed my temple before settling back in his chair to wait out the viewing.
Annie’s eyes glistened with tears, but the smile from ear-to-ear reassured me of just how happy she was. I’d swear she bonded with that baby sitting in the tiny exam room. Like somehow seeing him or her made this real; whereas, before, it was just an idea…even though I’d gained twenty pounds on that thought.
When the technician was done, she handed us copies of the pictures and gave Annie a disc of the entire screening. Dan helped me wipe the clear jelly off my stomach and sat me up, never relinquishing his grasp on my hand. When I lowered my shirt, I noticed Annie falter and brace herself on Brett’s arm for support just before she launched herself into the bathroom across the hall. The three of us waited outside the exam room, concerned about what had just happened.
“She’s not eating well, and the stress is starting to get to her.” The worry in his tone was crystal clear. “I think she needs to see her counselor, but for whatever reason, she’s not going for it.”
Before either of us could respond, the beautiful brunette emerged from the lady’s room. Her face was washed out, and I tried to lighten the mood. “I’m the one who’s pregnant, but you’ve got the morning sickness.” I chuckled hoping she would smile.
It was a weak response but there just the same. I let go of Dan’s hand and linked arms with her leaving the men trailing behind us. Her color returned by the time we reached the parking lot. If she was stressed, I wanted to give her something to look forward to, something to celebrate, but the only thing that came to mind was a baby shower. I wanted to believe it was just for her, but I needed it, too.
With the four of us standing in the parking lot prepared to go our separate ways for the day, I approached her with the idea. “Annie, what do you think about having a party instead of a baby shower?”
“I’m down. I haven’t really told any of my friends.”