Redemption(70)

I drifted off with thoughts of Dan and Joshua on my mind. Pieces of me wanted to share him with my fiancé, but more of me wanted to keep his memory for myself. I dreamed of my son just as clearly as if I’d held him yesterday, but I woke in a panic when it hadn’t been Matt holding him in his infancy but rather Dan.



*

“You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?”

I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. “You don’t look so hot yourself, heifer.” The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. “I haven’t slept all that well the last couple nights.” I didn’t need to tell her why.

“Bad dreams?” She’d become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann.

“I don’t know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest.”

She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn’t believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her.

“Spill it.”

“There’s nothing to spill. I’m just not sleeping well.”

“Are you nervous about getting married?”

Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed just around the corner. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. But maybe that’s it.” I kissed Alissa on the mouth to get her to smile for me and tried to pretend the words that were about to pass my lips were insignificant. “How much do you think a spouse should know about their partner?”

I felt the weight of her stare and tried to avoid it, but it kept pulling me in.

“Everything. I don’t think a relationship can be successful with secrets.”

“So Brett knows everything about you? There’s nothing you’ve kept to yourself?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure there’s some tidbit I’ve left out but nothing of any importance and certainly not intentionally. But if you’re worried about Dan, he doesn’t have any hidden skeletons. The vasectomy was the only thing he didn’t share with people. He’s an open book.” I appreciated her ability to reassure me my future husband wasn’t hiding anything, but she had done nothing but raise more questions about whether I needed to come clean.

I tried to switch the subject before she started probing into my reasons for asking. “Are you excited about the christening tomorrow?”

Her face scrunched up, and her eyes became narrow slits. “I guess I should be, but it’s more for our parents than either of us. You know I’m not overly religious, but this is what you do in the South. It’s a show for the religious zealots in the community. I don’t believe God would forsake my children for not having water sprinkled on their heads if something happened.”

Clearly, Annie had not been raised Catholic. That is exactly what the denomination as a whole thought, and parents christened babies quickly to ensure their salvation. After Joshua had died, my thoughts on the subject changed with his passing. I refused to allow myself to think he’d been cast aside because he’d missed a blessing that had been scheduled to happen the following week. But I also had to acknowledge, I wholeheartedly believed he’d been idle in purgatory until I righted my wrongs. Contradictory maybe, but my son hadn’t gone to hell.

“Better safe than sorry, right?” It was the only thing I could say.

“Agreed. And it will make for pretty pictures.”

I’d bought a dress for the occasion and was excited to share this event with my friends. It didn’t matter what we were doing, it was the fact that I was included in the ceremony that held so much meaning. With each passing day, Annie and Brett and their two children were etched deeper into the drawing of my life. Aside from Dan, they were my only family—one I never dreamed I’d have. One I wasn’t willing to lose to a mistake I’d made before I ever knew them.

If God could forgive me for what I’d done to Joshua, then the rest of the world didn’t need to know. I had atoned for my sin, I had righted my wrong. The proof was lying in my arms—living, breathing proof. The little girl was my real-life Hail Mary.

I helped Annie get both of the kids bathed and in bed before leaving her house. I loved helping her with them and appreciated that she allowed me to be so active in their lives. It benefited her too, but she didn’t have to treat me like I was just as important to them as she was. I’d never forget just how special she made me feel.

“Do you still want me to come over in the morning to help you get the kids ready?” I had my hand on the knob talking to her. I was ready to go home. It had been a long day, the babies were cranky, and I was exhausted. All I could think about was being wrapped up in Dan’s embrace for the duration of the evening.

She met me at the door with a weary smile on her face. Annie needed sleep as much as they did. “If you don’t mind…Brett means well, but he’s better at feeding and changing diapers than getting them dressed.”

“No worries. I’ll come over around eight. That will give me time to go home and change and meet you guys at the church.”

“Sounds good. Get some rest. Don’t let Dan keep you up.” The way she waggled her eyebrows made me burst out laughing.