Redemption(75)

“What happened?”

The question wasn’t an accusation, but I had to see his face when I answered. It was the only way I’d know what his response truly was. He couldn’t hide what his eyes would say. I forced myself from his embrace to his dismay and turned in the tub with my back against the opposite side. I brought my knees up to my chest and held them tightly. With my eyes closed, I inhaled deeply and exhaled what hadn’t proven to be a cleansing breath.

With eyes wide open, I stared into his stunning greens gazing back at me with sadness. “Are you sure you want that answer? It will forever change us. And once I tell you, it can’t be undone.”

He nodded slowly. “There’s nothing you can tell me about your past that will change how I feel about you, Lissa. The only way I can prove that is to hear the truth.” His voice didn’t waiver. He held my eyes, and I gave him what he asked for.

“Matt, Joshua’s father, had warned me I was doing too much. As a new mother, sleep is a privilege most don’t get, but I took it to new heights, unwilling to lighten my load at work. I guess I thought I was Superwoman, but the truth is, I didn’t think about it at all. I wanted to be successful as a professor, a wife, and a mother. In the end, I lost all three.”

He didn’t need the details of my daily life…they didn’t change the story.

“I took a couple days off to go spend the weekend with my parents at their beach house. I should have waited. Gone the next morning after a good night sleep. But, I insisted on making the drive that afternoon. I dosed off with Joshua in the backseat driving down the interstate, and the grooves on the side of the road woke me up.”

My chest constricted, and the memories flooded my mind. I could see that day as though I were experiencing it in the present. The color of the sky, the heat of the afternoon sun. Every intricate detail was like a painted postcard I couldn’t erase. Each breath became more difficult to take, and my heart raced.

“I thought the safest thing to do was pull into a rest area and take a nap. Joshua was asleep, and I figured if he woke up before my alarm went off his cries would wake me as well. So, I found the next stop and pulled into a space right in front of the welcome building, so we were surrounded by people. It was later in the afternoon, and people mulled about the rest stop. I left the car and the air conditioning running, set my alarm on my phone, and closed my eyes. It was just supposed to be a power nap.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks. My voice didn’t crack as I told my story. I resigned myself to the weight this would carry the rest of my life. I didn’t deserve to feel sorry for myself, and the tears were for my son, not me.

He leaned forward and put his hand on my knee, but I refused to accept his comfort.

“Joshua died in the heat strapped into his car seat. The car ran out of gas, I didn’t wake up, and his screams did nothing. My son perished in unimaginable heat because I was irresponsible and needed a vacation.”

There was zero emotion on Dan’s face, but sorrow was visible in his eyes. I imagined it was for Joshua, not me.

“I woke up in the hospital, and a nurse told me he had passed away.”

He waited for me to say anything else before he opened his mouth. When he got nothing more, he finally responded. “You know that’s a freak accident, right? I can’t imagine your pain, or the agony you felt as a mother, but anyone in their right mind would know, you tried to do the right thing.” His hand clutched mine, desperate to make me see things his way.

“I killed my son, Dan. Freak accident or not, his life is gone because of my stupidity. Who in their right mind takes a nap at a rest area with an infant in the back seat?” I’d unintentionally raised my voice, but Dan remained unfazed. “My child is dead. Three months old, and I baked his little body in the sun! Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I do. And I know you will never absolve yourself of that guilt. But Lissa, baby, I can’t crucify you for it. I hurt for you. My heart is torn knowing I can’t fix this, or change it, or help make it go away. All I can do is love you for whom it made you.”

“Seriously, Dan? I’m a convicted felon. Let that sink in for a minute.” I’d flipped the switch on him. When he hadn’t gotten angry and lashed out at me, I made sure to do it to him. The wrath I’d expected Dan to rain down on me was now being thrown in his face.

His brow furrowed, and his dark hair fell in his eyes, but he never looked away. He held my stare, and the sorrow I’d seen was replaced with love. It wasn’t possible. Somehow, I hadn’t communicated the depravity of the situation. There was no way this man could love me despite what I’d just told him.

“Involuntary manslaughter, I assume?” Like it was a freaking speeding ticket, not murder.

“No. Felony child endangerment.” My voice went weak with the admission. He now had all the information. And I waited for him to tell me he was done.

“So a jury didn’t find you guilty of manslaughter?” It wasn’t a question so much as his making a point. He justified my actions in his mind with the verdict of the lessor charge.

“No. I got probation and hefty fines. Neither of which represented the loss of a life.”

He raked his hand through his hair, leaving it slicked back with water. I knew he was frustrated by my refusal to concede to his point. “Lissa, sweetheart. For whatever reason, God called your son home. If it was his time, there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. It might have happened in a different way, a car accident, SIDs, choking, hell, who knows? But you were spared, and there’s a reason for that, too. And I don’t believe any higher power allowed you to live only to suffer because of a tragedy.”