Redemption(76)

The weight of what I’d just told him hadn’t sunk in. When he had time to really process this, and what he’d face if other people found out, he’d leave just like Matt had.

Clarity crossed his face, as though he’d had an epiphany. He relaxed against the porcelain tub and crossed his arms over his chest. “This is why you don’t want kids, isn’t it? The whole reason you wanted to help Annie wasn’t to experience pregnancy because you’d done that before.”

My shoulders slumped, my head dropped, and my words came out as a whisper. “I felt like it was the universe’s way of allowing me to fix what I’d done. Atone for my sin. I was able to give life where I’d taken it.”

“Did it do any of those things for you?” The question wasn’t smug—it was filled with hope.

“To some degree, yes. I feel more at peace than I have in years. But the weight of my secret is still a tough burden to carry sometimes.”

“Lissa, you could have told me. I can’t imagine anyone in the world thinking less of you.”

“Matt did.”

“Matt was grieving, Penny. He lost his son, too. I’m sure it was tough for him, and maybe the easiest thing, not necessarily the right thing, but the easiest thing was for him not to have reminders. I doubt very seriously that he didn’t love you. Have you talked to him since?”

I gave him a quick shake of the head. I didn’t want to think about Matt, or why he’d left. It didn’t matter…he was gone.

Dan didn’t say anything else. There was no further conversation to convince me of the error in my ways of thinking. He simply pulled me back between his legs, turned on the faucet with his toes to reheat the water, and held me. I didn’t cry. Instead, I got caught up in the cadence of his heartbeat and allowed it to soothe me undeservingly.

He had all of the truth now. I hadn’t put him in a fair situation, but he had a decision to make. If he wanted out, I’d give him the ring and walk away without question. But the wait might kill me.



*

My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett’s house, but I didn’t have the courage to ask him what he’d done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he’d left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering—but I knew with time to think about it, he’d decide he couldn’t stay.

“Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?”

“For what?”

“To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?” He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store.

“I didn’t think we were still doing that?” Maybe he’d taken up drinking.

He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he’d used to dry his hands with. “What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.”

“Dan…”

“No, don’t Dan me. Has something changed that you don’t want to marry me now?”

Oh, for the love of God. I rolled my eyes without answering his question which was apparently the wrong thing to do.

In one giant step, he closed the gap between us and took my chin in his hand while still holding a coffee mug in the other. His grip was tighter than I preferred but not painful. It ensured I couldn’t turn away.

“Do you love me?”

“Huh?” His line of questions didn’t make sense.

“Do. You. Love. Me?”

“Of course. But you haven’t kept some giant secret from me like murder and a felony conviction.”

He launched the mug against the wall without letting go of my chin. His face was marred with anger. My confession hadn’t pissed him off, but this had.

“And you think something that happened before I knew you, a tragic accident, will suddenly change how I feel about you? Damn it, Lissa. I want to marry you, that includes who you are today, who you’ll be tomorrow, and who you were before I met you! There is nothing you can tell me that will change that.” He dropped his hand and stared at the ground. When he finally looked up, my heart broke at the emotion written all over his features, but it was the tears in his eyes that crushed my soul. “You have a decision to make. I’ll be at the courthouse tomorrow morning at ten o’clock. I hope you’ll join me as my bride. If not, there’s nothing left for us. I’m not asking you to change your past, but I am expecting you to embrace your future. The choice is yours.”

He didn’t wait for a response before he turned and walked out our front door. Shocked by his outburst, I hesitated to follow him. I should have known he’d seek solace at our next-door neighbors’ house, but the emptiness left behind was almost as crushing as kneeling next to Joshua’s grave.

He disappeared inside their home, and I wondered what he’d told them. Annie hadn’t called since we abruptly left the church, not even so much as a text message. They were his friends, and I had no claim to them, but it stung just the same. I might have stood there watching their front door for five minutes or two hours, but it didn’t matter. He walked out just like Matt. And I was alone. Again.

I needed to occupy my thoughts, but meaningless tasks around the house didn’t pacify me. As daylight turned to dusk and he hadn’t return, I realized I had a decision to make. I had to either accept that he could love beyond my mistakes or ignore his plea in favor of isolation—but I couldn’t have it both ways. If I chose to meet him tomorrow, I had to let go of the hate I held for myself and allow love in. There wasn’t enough room in my life for both.