Redemption(77)

As much as I believed I had wanted that over the years, the pain was a constant reminder of what I’d lost, and I wasn’t sure I deserved to stop feeling it. My mind tortured me with thoughts of my sweet son and the man I’d met because I’d lost him. I warred with right and wrong. The only person I’d ever loved as much as I loved Joshua was waiting on me to free myself from the chains of grief.

I couldn’t bring myself to lie down in the bed Dan and I shared, so I dragged a blanket to the couch and cuddled with Cosmo. He grew tired of my chatter sometime around two in the morning and left me to curl up in the chair across the room. At five, no closer to a resolution, I got up and retrieved my violin. I didn’t go to the porch to play with the sunrise for fear of disturbing the rest of the neighborhood, but I sat in the living room and moaned the sounds of the changing colors that filled the sky. When sunlight replaced the darkness, I let my bow sing goodbye to my son.

I wasn’t replacing him with Dan, but I had to move on. The crippling pain wasn’t paying homage to his memory, it only served to bury it in shame…and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t know how to shed light on my lost child, but I knew that casting myself in darkness hadn’t worked either. By the time I finally put my violin away, I was exhausted. I watched out the window waiting for Brett to leave, but when he pulled out of the driveway, there was still no sign of Dan. His car still sat in our driveway, so I knew he had to be with Annie.

The clock glowed eight on the dot from the microwave. I didn’t have a dress and knew Dan didn’t have anything other than what he’d worn yesterday. With my mind made up, I ran upstairs to shower. The warm water eased my aching muscles and washed away the grime of the night. The tears had long since dried, but in some way, I felt as though I was cleansing my spirit, baptizing my soul. A hint of a smile tugged at my lips when I finally stepped out of the shower.

I dried my hair, brushed some gloss on my lips and mascara on my lashes, and then put on the pair of jeans Dan loved to see me in, a fitted Vans T-shirt, and my black Docs. It was the very outfit I’d met Annie and Brett in. By the time I got downstairs, my heart sank when I glanced out front, and Dan’s truck was gone. He hadn’t come inside to check on me or even left a note. I found my phone, but there was nothing there either.

If he had changed his mind, I’d find out at ten o’clock, but as it was, I had to proceed with my plan. Whatever fate held in store for me would be known in less than ninety minutes. With my keys in hand, I scratched Cosmo’s head, walked through the front door, closed it behind me and locked it, and walked over to Annie’s porch.

After several deep breaths, I raised my fist and knocked.

“I wondered how long it would be before you came by.” She ushered me in with a warm smile on her face and a baby on her hip. It was crazy how much Alissa and Grayson looked alike. It was almost hard to tell them apart unless she had them in gender specific colors. But Grayson cooed his greeting, and I tickled his tummy.

I wasn’t good at beating around the bush and didn’t have time to even if I was. I followed Annie into the living room where Alissa was on her tummy kicking her feet behind her. My butt had barely met the couch when I finally spoke. “So, what all did Dan tell you?”

“Just that he didn’t want to see you on your wedding day. I thought it was rather old fashioned since the two of you live together and obviously have sex out of wedlock, but who am I to judge?” She shrugged and chuckled under her breath.

“Are you feeling better? You looked really gray in the church. Dan said you were pretty bad off. I was worried it would keep you guys from going to the courthouse today. Honestly, Lissa, I’m kind of hurt you sent Dan over here instead of your coming. We could have hung out and sent the boys to your house. I’m sure being with two babies isn’t the best bachelorette party, but—”

“Annie.”

She stopped talking when I interrupted her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I didn’t have time for this. I assumed Dan had told them what took place, clearly not. I glanced at the time knowing I didn’t have long to get this out and be at the courthouse.

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something. I need to be honest with you before I marry Dan. And I need that in return from you. If you can’t deal with what I’m about to tell you long term, I need you to tell me that. I can’t destroy Dan’s friendship with you and Brett because he’s forced to choose between you guys and me after we’re married.”

She tried to wave me off.

“I’m serious. Look, I don’t have a lot of time. I’m supposed to meet him at ten, but you have to know this first. Whatever your reaction, I’ll deal with it. But my concern, my priority is Dan. Understood?”

Her face took on a serious look, and she set Grayson down on the ground next to his sister. “Yeah. I understand.”

There wasn’t time to stumble through my story. I had to offer the truth as concisely as possible with as much detail as necessary in order for Annie to make an educated decision. She listened completely captivated as I spoke. Her fingers touched her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears. She hiccupped when her breath caught, but she didn’t interject until I finished.

“Your gift back to the world was Alissa?” She choked on the words, and the lump in her throat made speaking difficult.