The Dilemma(45)

8 P.M. – 9 P.M.





Adam


More people arrive. I stand on the terrace and go through the motions: meet, greet, move them towards the steps and onto the lawn. The caterers stop to offer me things to eat as they walk by with trays of food, but I can’t bring myself to take anything. And then, at last, a lull.

‘Dad!’ I look up and see Josh waving to me. ‘Can you come here?’

‘Has everybody arrived, do you think?’ I call, reluctant to leave the terrace until I’m sure. I have to shout over the sound of Aretha Franklin singing ‘Respect’. Jess’s choice, I heard someone say.

‘Yes, I think so!’

How is it possible that since Nelson and Kirin arrived at seven-thirty, I’ve been so focused on what people are saying so they won’t guess anything is wrong, that there have been stretches of a few seconds, maybe even a few minutes, when Marnie completely disappeared from my mind? It feels wrong that I’m able to smile and chat when – I quickly close my mind. I can’t let doubt in, not with Josh waiting to speak to me.

I close the side gate and make my way over.

‘Mum’s ring. Did you pick it up?’

I stare at him. ‘No, I—’

‘Aw, Dad! You disappeared for ages after Mum got back so I thought you’d gone to get it.’

‘I was upstairs, getting ready.’ I rub at my face. ‘The jewellers phoned to tell me they couldn’t get it done in time.’

‘I thought you were going to give it to her anyway?’ He looks at me, frowning. ‘If you didn’t go and pick it up, does that mean you don’t have a present to give her?’

‘I’ll explain,’ I say. ‘She’ll understand.’

‘Right.’ I can see he’s disappointed. ‘It’s just that I’ve heard people asking what you’d given her and she said that the party was enough. But I think everyone might be expecting you to give her something later. Do you have a photo of the ring? You could at least give her that.’

‘No. No, I don’t.’

‘Well, could you maybe find a photo of something similar?’

‘Yes, good idea,’ I say, glad of an excuse to get away. ‘I’ll go and do that now.’

‘Don’t be long!’ he calls as I head towards the house. ‘I don’t want to have to explain to everyone why you’ve gone missing!’

I go up to the bedroom, but instead of looking for a photo on my iPad, I sit down on the bed. Mimi is in her favourite place, watching me with those unblinking green eyes. Ignoring her, I take out my phone and sit staring at it for a moment. I should call the emergency number now. I should have called before. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, not calling.

A burst of laughter comes through the window and glad of the excuse, I get to my feet and look outside. Nelson is standing in the middle of a group of people and I realise that he, or Kirin, has just announced that she’s expecting twins. The music stops and then the song ‘Congratulations’ starts playing. Everyone is applauding, and I’m struck by the terrible irony of the situation; there’s been a plane crash, a crash which our daughter might have been part of, and people are singing along to ‘Congratulations’, and applauding.

It hits me then, the enormity of what I’ve done. I’ve let the party go on. I’ve let people drink champagne and laugh and sing. I sink onto the bed and bury my face in my hands. What was I thinking? Mimi, sensing my distress, comes to investigate but I push her away. She comes closer again, not used to my reaction, and I round on her.

‘No, Mimi, leave it!’

She darts off the bed and I sink further. What have I done? I have to stop the party now, this minute, before it goes any further. I shouldn’t have let it get this far, I should have cancelled it before it had even started. Now, if the worst has happened, I’m going to have to go down and ask everyone to go home – and then tell them why.

I can’t, I couldn’t. My mind starts spiralling. Maybe I could ask Nelson. If I find out that Marnie was on the flight, maybe Nelson could tell everyone. So would I tell Nelson before I tell Livia? I get to my feet and start pacing the room. No, I need to tell Livia first, then Josh. Mum and Dad too, they should hear it from me, but once I’ve told Livia, once I’ve told Josh. Maybe I should include Izzy and Ian with Mum and Dad, because they’re family too. Or should I tell them after, once I’ve told Livia, once I’ve told Josh, once I’ve told Mum and Dad? Or maybe leave Nelson to tell them along with everyone else?

And how will I tell them? There are no words. Even the thought is unthinkable.

And then – a ring on the doorbell. I whip round, staring at the bedroom door, my heart already racing. We’re not expecting anyone else, all the guests have arrived. The bell sounds again, more timidly this time, as if whoever is on the other side of the door is having second thoughts about having pressed the bell the first time. Just as Marnie might do if she was worried that someone other than me might open the door and spoil the surprise. Just as Marnie might do if she’d gone around to the side gate and hadn’t found me there, waiting to help her into the box.

I look down at my phone. It’s eight thirty-five, earlier than she was due to arrive – but what if she was put on a direct flight to London, straight from Cairo, like she’d said in her message this morning? I run down the stairs, stupidly near to tears. I could have saved myself so much anguish if I’d thought things through. Of course they’d try to get passengers stranded in Cairo to their final destination as quickly as possible. I fumble with the latch, I can already see myself hugging her, telling her that I thought she was on the plane that crashed.