The Dilemma(46)

I fling open the door.

‘M—!’ Her name dies on my lips, and I stare in disbelief, because it isn’t Marnie but someone else. Someone smaller than Marnie, with darker hair, someone I know but who, in my confusion, I can’t place.

The young woman takes a sudden step back. ‘Hello, Mr Harman,’ she says, flustered. ‘I hope it’s alright that I’m here. We changed my grandad’s celebration to tomorrow so that I could come to the party tonight. I didn’t tell Josh because I wanted to surprise him. Maybe I should have let you or Mrs Harman know. I – I didn’t think. I’m sorry.’

Josh’s girlfriend, I realise dully. Not Marnie.

‘Amy,’ I say.

I don’t want her here. All I want is to slam the door in her face, scream at her to go away.

She looks behind me into the hall, her movement faltering when she sees my face.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says again. ‘I should have called.’

I stand back, not trusting myself to speak. She steps into the hallway and waits, hovering uncertainly.

‘Well, go on through,’ I say roughly. ‘I’m sure Josh will be pleased to see you.’ She hurries off and I lean against the wall, adrenalin making my heart thump painfully. It’s not her fault, I tell myself. It’s not her fault she’s not Marnie.

I walk slowly after her, and watch from the door as she tiptoes across the lawn, around groups of people, to where Josh is standing next to Max, his back to her. She reaches up and puts her hands over his eyes and when he swivels round, it’s not Amy I see laughing at the look on his face, but Marnie, because she did the same to me, the time she came home unexpectedly from university to surprise me on my birthday. I can still feel the touch of her hands as she sneaked up behind me and covered my eyes.

‘You OK, Adam?’ Overwhelmed by the memory, it takes me a moment to realise that Nelson is talking to me.

I pull myself back to the present. ‘Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t know she was coming, that’s all.’

‘Amy?’

‘Yes.’ I take a step onto the terrace, moving myself away from him. ‘Sorry, Nelson, I need to go and socialise.’

I walk unsteadily up the steps. People crowd round, telling me what a wonderful party it is and how lovely Livia looks and isn’t it a shame that Marnie isn’t here. It becomes too much. I look around desperately – I shouldn’t be here, none of us should be. And then I hear Livia laugh from somewhere behind me and when I turn, I see her standing in the middle of a group of her friends. She looks so beautiful, so happy, so – I search for the word – free.

And I know that I’m only going to make the call once the party is over.





Livia


There are so many people talking at the same time that I’m finding it hard to concentrate. Luckily the music is loud and I’m able to smile, laugh and nod without anyone realising how distracted I am. The effort needed to avoid Rob is beginning to weigh on me. I hate that I’m having to play this stupid game of cat and mouse at the party I’ve been waiting for, for so long. Tears prick my eyelids and I bow my head, blinking them away quickly.

Someone hands me a drink and looking up, I see Ian, Izzy’s husband.

‘Thank you,’ I say gratefully.

‘It must be quite overwhelming,’ he says, studying my face. We’re the same height and his eyes, level with mine, are almost black. With Izzy being so extrovert, it’s easy to overlook Ian, who is quieter and gentler. But he’s one of my favourite people, even though, most of the time, I have no idea what he’s really thinking.

‘It’s amazing to have everyone here,’ I tell him.

He nods. ‘But there are people missing.’

My mind flits to Marnie, and away again, because it’s too painful to think of her, then turns to my parents. They haven’t come, of course they haven’t, and I know they won’t now.

‘I thought my parents might come,’ I say. ‘I invited them. Stupid, I know.’

‘It’s not stupid,’ he replies and I want to hug him. ‘I’m sorry they haven’t turned up.’

‘If my fortieth birthday isn’t enough of a reason for them to hold out an olive branch, there’s not much more I can do,’ I say with a shrug. ‘I can’t believe they still hold a grudge after all these years.’

‘Time can either mend bridges or push them further apart,’ he says.

I look quizzically at him. ‘What made you so wise?’

‘Being with Izzy, probably.’

We laugh softly and with a quick smile, he goes to get himself another drink. I take a sip of the one he gave me, knowing it’s time to stop wishing for something that will never happen. It’s too late, anyway. What I wanted was for my parents to be part of Josh and Marnie’s lives. But Josh and Marnie have already left home, they have their own lives, which might not have room for grandparents they barely know. My mother is sixty-eight now, my father seventy-two. Ian is right, time hasn’t mended anything between us. Their hearts will only harden more with age, not soften.

‘Livia!’ A hand touches my arm. I turn and see Paula looking fabulous in a long floaty dress. She’s carrying silver heels in her hand and her face is flushed from dancing.