The Dilemma(41)

I’d been studying the block of mahogany that I’d bought for Marnie’s angel sculpture, trying to ground myself by thinking about how I would start, where I would make the first cut. Liv’s interruption had me pacing the floor, unable to stay still. I tried to call Marnie again but the call wouldn’t connect. To calm me, I put my hands on the wood and focused on the thought that, on her birthday in July, Marnie would be here in the shed with me, delighted with her sculpture.

The stifling air in the shed becomes oppressive. I push my way outside. Livia will be down soon. I circle the marquee and walk across the lawn, psyching myself up to be as normal as I can possibly be so that I don’t spoil anything for her. I wait on the terrace; and then she’s here, walking towards me, her movements nervous, the expression on her face almost embarrassed, so beautiful in her long cream dress that she takes my breath away.

‘You look beautiful,’ I say, kissing her.

A faint blush appears on her cheeks. ‘Do you really think so?’

‘Yes, even more beautiful than on our wedding day.’

‘We were so young. You were only nineteen, the same age as Marnie. Imagine if she told us she was getting married – and that she was pregnant.’ She stops abruptly.

I try not to flinch at the searing pain the mention of Marnie brings. It’s going to happen a lot tonight, I realise. People are going to be talking about her, saying it’s a shame that she couldn’t be here, asking when she’ll be back. How am I going to cope with having to pretend that she’ll soon be home when I don’t know if she will be? You’ll focus on Livia, I tell myself, you’ll be strong for her.

‘I was going to curl my hair and leave it loose but I ran out of time,’ Livia says. ‘Is it alright, do you think?’

She’s put it up and some strands have fallen around her neck. ‘It’s perfect. You’re perfect.’ I give her another kiss. ‘Stop worrying.’

‘I wonder who’ll be the first to arrive?’

‘Normally I’d say Izzy and Ian, but Izzy messaged to say they’re going to be late. So, it’ll probably be Kirin and Nelson. Nelson will be itching to get away from the children.’

‘And I imagine he’ll be needing a stiff drink,’ she says with a smile.

‘Well, there’s everything here he could possibly want.’

‘We haven’t forgotten anything, have we?’

‘No, I don’t think so.’

‘Where’s Josh?’

‘Upstairs, getting changed.’

‘And Max?’

‘Upstairs, getting changed.’

She gives a sudden laugh. ‘This is the worst bit, waiting for everyone to arrive.’ She turns towards me. ‘And do you know when the best bit will be? Not when everyone is here but when it’s all over, and it’s just you and me.’

I swallow painfully. There are footsteps on the path. ‘I think someone’s coming.’

As if in answer, Nelson’s voice comes to us.

‘It’s seven-thirty, let the party begin!’

And he and Kirin burst through the side gate and onto the terrace.

‘Oh my God, Livia, you look amazing!’ Kirin squeals. ‘And you don’t look so bad yourself,’ she says, giving me a kiss and then hugging Livia. ‘I love your shirt.’

I give a quick smile. ‘New on today.’

‘Livia, you look stunning.’ Nelson turns to me and gives me a man hug. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘You only saw me a week ago.’

‘And that’s seven days too long.’

Kirin takes her phone from her bag and I realise, I’m not going to be able to stop people asking about Marnie tonight, but what if they start talking about the plane crash? I move away from them quickly, my heart hammering as I hurry to the kitchen. The caterers are there, taking up too much space. I push past Liz, reach into the cupboard next to the dishwasher, grab a large bowl and go back outside.

‘Sorry, Kirin,’ I say, interrupting her as she talks to Livia. ‘It’s a no-phone policy tonight. In here, please. You too, Nelson.’

Liv looks at me in surprise. ‘Is that really necessary?’

‘Absolutely,’ I say, faking cheerfulness. ‘We don’t want people on their phones when they should be enjoying the party.’

‘But what about photos?’

‘Max is the official photographer, isn’t he?’

Kirin frowns. ‘What if Mum and Dad need me? They’re looking after the children.’

‘They’ll phone on the house phone.’

‘But will we hear it?’

‘Hopefully not,’ Nelson jokes. ‘Kiri, if they need us, one of them can drive two minutes up the road.’

‘Alright,’ Kirin says, reluctantly dropping her phone in the bowl.

‘You can have mine, with pleasure,’ Nelson says. ‘At least I won’t hear a million messages coming in.’

More people arrive. Neighbours from across the street, colleagues from Livia’s law firm, friends we don’t see as often as we’d like because they live further away. Soon the terrace is full of people with bottles of wine and presents for Livia. I’m relieved that everyone is going along with the no-phone policy without too much grumbling, joking about going home with the wrong phone – I hadn’t thought of that. But Josh hears and, with a hand on my shoulder, says he’ll sort it. He disappears for a couple of minutes while I struggle to make conversation with one of Livia’s work friends, and comes back with some stickers and a pen.